Crispy Gamer

Bored at Work- March 2nd, 2010: Cell Phone Games


Bored at Work: The Series

            When away from videogames, many of our readers will find themselves bored.  Either at work or at school, our minds will always wander from the task at hand back to the pastime we love.  Bored at Work will be a weekly blog post dedicated to my absent-mindedness at my day job; a tribute to finding games to play or think about, wherever they may be found.

Cell Phone Demo Games

            The first installment of Bored at Work was the inspiration of a new purchase that occurred just this morning: an LG enV Touch.  Before I get to the meat of the games I (sort of) played, a few notes about the phone itself:

            -Large and Responsive touch screen

            -QWERTY Keyboard with nice, BIG buttons for my apparently fatass thumbs

            Naturally, all I wanted to do at work today was peruse the features, mess with the online abilities, and find any games that might have been factory installed on the phone.  Within a few button pushes, I found the objects of my desire: Resident Evil: Degeneration, Need for Speed Undercover, and Tetris.  Fantastic, I thought.

            Turns out they are all demos, blows.  But hell, I’m at work, and have nothing else to do, so here goes!

Resident Evil: Degeneration

            What I liked:  Surprisingly crisp graphics.

            What I didn’t like:  Everything goddamned else.

            I have not seen the CGI Degeneration movie, so all I know about the story here is what the game itself offers me in the intro text:

            An airport in the American city of Harvardville is not having the greatest of days.  An airplane has crashed directly into the terminal (probably because it’s too hard to get into Harvard with an application), and a mysterious virus has spread to all inside the airport.  The government dispatches Leon Kennedy to the scene to rescue the survivors that are allegedly in “the heart of the terminal.”  How the government knows this, I do not know.  How these people are apparently trapped, even though the terminal is torn to shreds and is mostly open to the environment, I do not know. 

            What I do know is that Kennedys have unusual bad luck with airplanes, and RE:Degeneration follows suit.  The enV, while having a touch screen, does not have touch support for this game.  Therefore, I had the absolute pleasureof controlling our fair haired badass with the keyboard.  Earlier on, I stated that I love the enV keyboard, and I still do.  However, what’s good for texting does not apply to killing zombies.  Controlling Leon feels floaty at best, and he is constantly stuck between some state of walking and running, which I will refer to in the future as Speed Waddling. 

Upon arriving at the airport, Leon reports to Hunnigan (bitch in glasses) that he entered with agents Angela and Greg, and that the two of them have gone on without him.  Awesome.  Now it’s pretty much all up to you to rescue Senator Ron Davis, one of the supposed survivors. 

You make Leon speed waddle around the airport, stopping only to shoot some zombies.  Aiming is… surprisingly alright.  RE:D uses the over the shoulder shooting that originated in RE4, and has a slight lock on feature.  You still have to make the headshots happen yourself, but the game cuts you some slack.  It must recognize its own shitty controls and doesn’t want you to break your phone in frustration.

I would speak more about the game, but the demo ends literally after you open like, three doors. 

Would I purchase it? 

Honestly, maybe, but only because I love the Resident Evil series.  Otherwise, avoid it like the plague.

Need For Speed Undercover

            What I liked: Tilt steering

            What I didn’t like: QWERTY Steering

            Let me preface this with letting you know that I absolutely hate tilt steering controls.  When Mario Kart Wii came out I was not merely unexcited to try steering my kart with the wiimote, I hated even thinking about it.  I am, like I assume many of you are, a precision guy.  Tilt controls are not precise.  At all.

            So why did I like the tilt steering in NFSU?  Cause the QWERTY controls sucked ass.  For some reason, while not pressing any keys, my car would assume control of itself as if it were Herbie fucking Fully Loaded.  No matter how many times I restarted the demo, my car would cruise out of control (much like Lindsay Lohan’s career since aforementioned Herbie).  Tilt steering, while not great, at least got me through the demo without coming in last place in the one race available.

            Would I purchase it?

            Eff no.


            What I liked: Its Tetris you asshole

            What I didn’t like:  Demo length

            Tetris.  The game that is impossible to screw up.  The game that is the world’s best time waster, making it the de factostandard in cellular phone gaming.  What I won’t do is review Tetris.  You know what Tetris is. 

            But, just for one moment, let’s imagine that you are an old person, or a mom, or Patrick Star (who happens to live under this), and you’ve never played Tetris.  This demo won’t teach you much, as it only lets you drop 14 fucking blocksuntil the demo is over. 

            No way,  I thought to myself.  Maybe it’s on a quick time limit.  I restarted the game.  “Loading Marathon” it said.  Liar.  The game came up, and I dropped 14 blocks as fast as possible. “Game Over.” 


            Would I purchase it?

            Well, I guess I have to.  Damn.

See you next week when I’m bored at work!