Crispy Gamer

Top 10 (Closet) Annoying Characters in Video Game History

Every video game has its annoying characters. Over the course of time, some characters have gained monumental recognition for their suckatude, and they do indeed suck a lot. But are these well known characters even the most annoying in their own game? Hardly. You just have to look a little closer.

#10- Phoenix Wright
Who you would expect: Wendy Oldbag, Winston Payne, Pearl, Judge’s Canadian Brother
Real offender: The Judge

The Phoenix Wright universe features a cavalcade of buffoons that range from (but are terrifyingly not limited to) an idiot up and coming lawyer to an overweight effeminate girly gay FRENCH chef. The only thing that can be certain with this cast of characters is uncertainty, and that translates directly into the courtroom.

The Gay French Chef
I can see that.

While each Wright denizen one by one does his best to make a complete mockery of the legal system, their antics are understandable; they’re insane. One character, however, does not get such a pass: the judge. After years of law school and climbing the legal ladder to get to his lofty position, especially in whatever upside-down retard land he lives in (probably France), one would think that the judge has his stuff together. “One”, and everyone who thinks like “One,” is god-dammed wrong.

The Judge seems to have made it his personal duty to turn every minor case into a major disaster by overlooking facts, forgetting information that was mentioned mere moments before, and being selectively appalled at only Phoenix Wright. In one memorable moment from Phoenix Wright: Justice For All, Phoenix lets the Judge know that his client did in fact bash another man over the head during an argument. The Judge doesn’t take to this sort of thing kindly, and is outraged that Phoenix would admit his client’s guilt to assault and battery.

Which is fine… other than the fact that Franziska Von Karma, the prosecuting attorney, has been whipping Phoenix, the witnesses, and the Judge himself multiple times during the court proceedings. Not whipping as in kicking ass, whipping as in physical assault.

Bulbasaur! Use Vine Whip!
Something like that anyway.

The Judge is the only man in the Phoenix Wright universe that has the power to put an end to the dumb-assery. Not only does he choose to let it go on, but he only adds to the madness. Serious candidate for the U.S. Supreme Court.

#9- Braid
Who you would expect: Bunnies
Real offender: That time slowing ball thing

Braid is a great game. Like, a really great, fun little number. Its world is a beautiful menagerie of pretty colors, detailed textures, and a story that may or may not be really complex (don’t really care). Of the few living obstacles that get in your way, I will admit that the bunnies get on my nerves. How can’t they? The pop up, run, and viciously tear you to shreds.

Pish-Posh you say? You know where they are from the flowers you say? Piss off. Despite my numerous runs of the game, I, as if I were an Alzheimer’s patient, constantly forget about those foreshadowing flowers.

Bulbasaur! Use Vine Whip! Again!
Never seen this before, ain’t it funny?

But bunnies are hardly the least annoying thing that you encounter in Braid. In the last section of the game, the final tool given to you is a little ball that, when dropped, slows time around it. Sounds awesome right? It kind of is, but it also kind of sucks.

Say you’re on a level. A level that’s kind of maze. You place your time ball on the ground, and go off exploring the ins and outs of a puzzle. You climb up into a hard to get to place, and need the ball agai- *&#^. The ball is a million miles away. You jump all the way back down, all your hard work undone, as if it never happened. To make matters worse. The closer you get to the ball, the more you slow down; it teases and mocks you until the end.

#8- Resident Evil 4
Who you would think: Ashley Grahm
Real offender: Ramon Salazar

Resident Evil 4 was an awesome game; totally new change of pace for the series that was welcomed from nearly everyone in the gaming community. What Capcom didn’t change, however, was crappy dialogue and stupid characters. The favorite dead horse of RE4 is Ashley Grahm, daughter of the President, and kidnap-ee. During Leon’s exploration of the Spanish village and all that surrounds it, the player could count on Ashley to be a squeaky little annoying brat who is quick to frighten and hard to please; generally a combination for a headache, and subsequent smack upside the head.

But can you blame her? She’s an 18 or so pampered little girl who has not only been kidnapped –oh no- she’s been kidnapped by a murderous parasite cult that doesn’t just want her for the cash, they want to infect her and send her back to the states as a super-zombie. Any person with even a loose grip on reality (other than manly-man Leon Kennedy of course) would lose their shit and piss their pants too.

I love New York.
First image that Google provided for “lose their shit.”

The real target of anger and frustration is none other than Ramon Salazar, RE4’s answer to the question “How could we make a badass Spanish Castellan super gay?” Capcom goes above and beyond in that endeavor by pitting Leon up against a short statured, falsetto voiced, whiny little boy of a man who looks more like a Les Miserables extra than the awesome castle owning, servant slapping guy he should be.

What makes the utter crime of Ramon Salazar even that more terrible is that the major baddie in the first phase of the game, Bitorez Mendez, is so god-damn awesome.

Bitorez Mendez
If you wish upon a star…

Mendez gives you everything you want in a villain: freakish strength and power, superhuman measurables, and an entire village of crazed freaks completely in his control. Having Ramon follow that act is like having Hitler going on after Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates Good Samaritan competition.

#7- Rogue Galaxy
Who you would think: Mioko and Chie
Real offender: Steve

A game about a dude on an enslaved desert planet escaping and becoming a space pirate should be nothing short of awesome. For the most part, Rogue Galaxy delivers. It has a decent story and excellent (read: challenging) battle system that will sometimes leave you scratching your head wondering how you got your ass kicked so hard.

An ass-kicking machine.
Simulation may not mirror authentic experience.

One commonly noted black mark on the game is Mioko and Chie, a wandering mother with her child searching for her baby’s daddy. While I certainly wish her the best on her noble endeavor, between my interstellar raping and pillaging, I just don’t have the time to put up with her constant B.S.

However, Mioko and the kid are but a minor distraction. The most annoying character is unfortunately found in your party. Steve the robot. Steve the robot. In a universe where people have names like Jaster, Zegram, Kisala, and Lilika Rhyza, we have Steve the Robot. STEVE.


#6- Duck Hunt
Who you would think: The dog
Real offender: The ducks

Before I go on to say that the dog isn’t the most annoying thing in Duck Hunt, let me just say that he comes close. I’ve put a dog to sleep before, and I know how troubling a thing it is. This dog, however, I would have no qualms about it.

The dog.
We’ll see who laughs last.

Ultimately though, the dog is there to help you, no matter how funny he thinks his jokes are. What you should really be concentrating your anger on is the ducks. This is Duck Hunt after all. You are here to kill ducks. And how do they cooperate with you? They fly the hell away. Stand still, and let us kill you and all of your friends.

Sure, a game called Duck Hunt featuring mildly retarded, aerially challenged poultry may be using the term “hunt” a little loosely, but there is nothing in this world or the next that I wouldn’t give to unload a cartridge on stationary badelynge of ducks.

Daffy Duck.
Eat me.

#5- Final Fantasy VIII
Who you would think: Selphie, NORG
Real Offender: Irvine Kinneas

Irvine is a cowboy. A cowboy in a world that, to our knowledge, did not and does not have a wild wild west. That alone would be enough to be on this list.

The newest Prince of Persia.
And now that he’s a widow, on his.

The real issue with Irvine is his ego. In terms of the gameplay itself, Irvine is pretty useless to the party, as his damage output is easily eclipsed by every character on the planet not named Selphie. However, there is something he can do: long range assassination. Or so he tells us.

“"No one understands me..."
"Sharpshooters are loners by nature..."
"We hone our instincts, pour our whole being into a single bullet."
"The pressure of the moment...An instant of tension..."
"That's what...I have to face alone..."
"...It's not easy."
"So like..."
"Just do me a favor, and let me be!"
"You get my drift?"

Somewhere in that menagerie of ellipsis Irvine communicates the fact that he owns a device that can kill things real far in the distance. That, and that he alone has the power to get the job done. He so good that if you just leave him alone, he can point at something, say “bang,” and it will die. Literally. Sounds awesome right?

(He hesitates for a moment, then fires.)
FMV Sequence. The bullet flies through the gate's grating, but Edea deflects it with magic.

"...I'm sorry."

He missed. After all that hot shot, I’m such a tormented soul who kills stuff dribble, he failed. He more than just failed; he dropped the ball the first and only time the team really needs him. If he really does get Selphie to do the horizontal monster mash with him, I hope she is a breeding ground of venereal disease.

Warning: May contain Herpes.

#4- Tales of the Abyss
Who you would think: Anise, Fon Master Ion
Real offender: Mieu

Anise and Ion combine to make quite a pair when it comes to causing internal mental damage as they both subscribe to the JRPG Annoying Character Stereotype. Both are children, are powerful magic users, and have voices that would make a deaf man stick a knife in his ear. Experienced JRPGers will know exactly what to do: never put Anise in the party, and mute the T.V. when Ion comes on screen. And besides, it’s not all that bad; halfway through the game I could have sworn Guy called Anise “anus.”

She likes Anise, not anus.
“OOOOoooooo! I love anus!”

Since it’s easy to avoid tweedle anus and tweedle gay, the annoyance crown rests comfortably on the head of Mieu. Mieu is a cheagle (read: squirrel) that joins the party not as a playable character, but as a utility. The party must use Mieu abilities of fire and pushing to solve puzzles. In other words, every time you need to solve a puzzle, you will hear this.

All the time. &*^% you.

#3- Star Ocean: The Last Hope
Who you would think: Welch Vineyard
Real offender: Lymle Lemuri Phi

Space, the final frontier, the last hope to escape from the dying planet of Earth. Along his interstellar journey, Edge Maverick, captain of the SRF-003, lands on many a planet and picks up many a new companion, none more heinously annoying than Lymle. But more on her in a moment. To truly appreciate how awful she is, one must look at who she beat out for the title…

…And that is Welch Vineyard.

Not actually Welch Vineyard.
Love me them nappa honnies.

Welch is an engineer of sorts who takes care of item creation for the crew of the Calnus. Fine. What sucks about her is her voice. The first time I heard it, I immediately went back to my childhood, to Nickelodeon’s Rugrats. This chick sounds exactly like Phil and Lil. Not kind of, exactly. So much so that it prompted me to look up the voice actress. Nope, not her. This is in fact worse. Not only is her voice cringe inducing, its stolen, plagiarized, swiped.

I can't let you do that, Star Fox.
She learned from the best.

But Lymle, ooooohhh Lymle. In a game genre almost entirely defined by slow, plodding dialogue littered with awkward pauses, Lymle makes all other JRPGs appear to be voiced by auctioneers. Let’s take a look.

This particular scene teaches us some very important things, kay? It tells us that Lymle is occasionally homicidal, kay? It tells us that she’s clinically retarded, kay? It teaches us that she uses “kay” as *$@&!(^ punctuation, KAY? Almost every ill conceived sentence that ekes its way out of her speak-hole ends with “…kay?” This game is roughly 30 hours, kay? It starts to get on your nerves, kay? Kay?

But whatever, she’s just an idiot little kid; can’t be mad at her right? Wrong…asshole. The game manual stipulates that Lymle is in fact 15.

15 years old.

#2- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Who you would think: Navi
Real offender: Great Deku Tree & Great Deku Tree Sprout

Hey! Look! Listen! Shut up. Really. How many times has that been said? As far as annoying characters go, Navi is the official dead horse of all video games, ever. So let’s just gloss over her for a moment, and take a look at the real dumbass of Ocarina.

GDT = Great Deku Tree
Yeah, you, with the foliage.

When dealing with the fate of the world, those in power must take some necessary risks. The Great Deku tree has a lot of crap on his plate at the start of Ocarina, and instead of being a man and eating it, he scrapes it off his plate when no one is looking.

Why? Because he chooses Link to be our hero. Nothing against Link, but Hylian or not, this kid grew up in the forest and never got a fairy. This is equivalent to having a major birth defect to the Kokiri. Fairy-less defect Link spends his days sleeping and generally being retarded in his tree house home while all the other Kokiri are presumably doing all the work and having lots and lots of eternal youth sex; not really hero material.

And what does GDT give Link to succeed? Navi, the aforementioned fairy with a propensity to say the same phrases over and over again. Navi is annoying, yes, but don’t blame the messenger, blame the architect of this grand scheme. By choosing Link and Navi for the first mission of cleaning out his colon, GDT almost assures that Hyrule will be destroyed. He just got lucky, and therefore the idiot gets too much credit.

#1- Star Fox 64
Who you would think: Slippy Toad
Real offender: Falco Lombardi

Slippy’s voice is not only worthy of most annoying voice of all time, but he is an awful fighter pilot to boot. However, he, like Navi, receives too much grief from the gaming community. While Slippy doesn’t last 20 seconds before having to pull out (like most of the nerds reading this) he never pretends like he’s all that. Slippy is an engineer, why should he be an ace pilot?

Falco, on the other hand, is constantly reminding the team about how sweet he is. But no matter what way you look at it, Falco really brings nothing to the team. Even on the first mission, Falco needs bailing out, and will continue to do so for the rest of the game.

But that isn’t even the worst part of Falco “I can’t execute a flip maneuver” Lombardi. It’s his abusive relationship with his girlfriend.

In the Zoness Mission, Kat, some random cat chick drops in to help out the Star Fox team. The moment she drops onto the scene Falco demands to know what in the hell she is doing there. Well Falco, she’s being more helpful than you have ever been in your life. The one time Kat does get into a little trouble and Fox assists her, she promises him some hot loving, much better than what Falco could provide.

Hmmm, I dunno about that actually.

After all the crap Falco dishes out, when the level ends and Kat is gone, Falco is bewildered as to where she has gone off to. She left cause of you, dick. She left cause of you.


Somehow, the characters are cute. But on the other hand, they are just good for exactly nothing. - Arthur van der Vant

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