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Russ Fischer

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Scott Jones

John Keefer

Steve Kent

Ryan Kuo

Scott Kurtz

Gus Mastrapa

Evan Narcisse

Kyle Orland

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Steve Steinberg

John Teti

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Scott Jones Author Bio

Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.

Last Login: November 6, 2009 5:17:30 PM
Joined: March 18, 2008 5:46:57 AM

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Jones: STILL Playing FF XII; Gets Killed By Werewolves; Penelo = Killed Too
By Scott Jones | November 3, 2009
I've been chipping away at Final Fantasy XII over the past 10 days or so. And, to my surprise, I'm actually getting into it. I find myself looking forward to the little theme song that plays when the game first loads up. Doot, doot. Doot, doot. Doot, doot, etc. One thing I've been having to learn how to deal with is the inherent ambiguity of the genre. I can't stand ambiguity. I need the world, and my books, and my movies, and my games--especially my games--to make perfect sense. (Music, less so.) I have a friend in Boston who made a baby about a year ago, and since his gaming time is severely limited now, he refuses to play anything but Rock Band. His reasoning: There is absolutely nothing about Rock Band that is ambiguous. But FF XII throws a bunch of stuff at me--armlets and wolf pelts and fancy leather wear and various types of stones--and basically says, "Here. You figure out what to do with all of this shit." Each ...

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It Came From the Game Room: 10 Things Evan Narcisse Said While Playing Tekken 6
By Scott Jones | October 29, 2009
1."Now who the hell is this guy?" 2. "Battle legs? I have to put my 'battle legs' on? These ARE my fucking legs!" 3. "Where should I go? Queens Harbor or Container Terminal 3?" 4. "Ooof, that Hillary Clinton clone snuck up on me." 5. "Hello infamous panty-flash juggle." 6. "He's a big one; I'm going to get a lot of chicken from him! And money!" 7. "Shit, I should have opened those crates. Shit, man!" 8. "Man, why not just MAP IT TO THE RIGHT STICK?" 9. "I need to get my eggs over here." 10. "It's funny. No, wait; it's stupid."

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Day Two: Final Fantasy XII: Jones Defeats Rogue Tomato, Does Some Shopping In Town
By Scott Jones | October 28, 2009
So it looks like I'm really going to go through with this whole FF XII thing. I kind of can't believe it. I'm not having a terrible time so far. Which is more than I can say for most games. The dialogue is uneven, but actually pretty good in spots. Though I do wonder at times why all the citizens, even the elderly ones, are wearing half shirts and tiny, sleeveless vests. I care a little bit about Vaan and Kytes and Penelo. They're street urchins who are always scheming. They are the Little Rascals of Rabanastre. Most recently, Vaan is scheming to find a way into the Palace; and Old Dalan might have a crystal that can help him accomplish this. I also defeated the Rogue Tomato this morning. He was a total push-over. He was a tiny dude who only came up to about my knees, with a large, red tomato on his head. I don't really even know what he was, technically speaking. He didn't seem too viscious. He was barely aggressive at all. I slapped ...

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Day One: Jones Plays Final Fantasy XII; Spots Menacing Chocobos
By Scott Jones | October 27, 2009
So I knew the opening cutscene would be long, and lavish, with lots of action and characters staring up at the sky with their blonde hair waving in their faces. But man! This one was REALLY LONG. It was kind of exciting for awhile. Some airships flew over and everyone stared up at them. And then there was a war sequence which was very exciting and made me REALLY LUST FOR COMBAT. And then some Chocobos were running around, but these Chocobos looked kind of menacing, so I was OK with them.(I'm Chocobo-Averse. It says so in my eHarmony profile.) The game opens with a slow-paced tutorial, which I appreciated, since I'm not a FF expert, or an RPG expert. It was so slow that I'm sure anyone who is either of those two things would be horribly annoyed by it. It's RPG 101 stuff. Again, I didn't mind. The combat system is kind of cool. I open the menu, select ATTACK, then move Reks, whose wedding was interrupted by the Archadian Empire's ...

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The Great Cull of 2009: What Do You Do With Old, Crappy Games?
By Scott Jones | October 26, 2009
I'm back in New York for the first time in a couple months. Back in my old bed, back in my old desk chair, back in my neighborhood of many years. It's strange being here. I find myself looking at my old things like an anthropologist, wondering: Who this person was who lived here? What were his values? How did he live? Did he enjoy his life at all? Clearly this person wasn't terribly organized (note: laundry discovered in closet that has been sitting there for several months). He seemed to enjoy pornography and dry roasted peanuts and string cheese. The kitchen drawers are stuffed with old soy sauce packets and chopsticks; he must have had at least seven thousand dollars worth of Chinese food delivered over the years. And clearly this person played a lot of games. Bad games, mostly. I am astonished, and more than a little embarrassed, by the mass quantities of terrible games I'm still harboring. True Crime: ...

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10 Things I'm Looking Forward to Doing in the NYC Crispy Office
By Scott Jones | October 22, 2009
I'm heading for the airport shortly, boarding an Air Canada flight, then beginning the long journey back to Crispy Central in New York City. I actually fly into Newark. #$@*&!. For those of you who don't know, Crispy Gamer is rare in that it's one of the few gaming-centric publications unique enough, or crazy enough, to set up shop in New York City. The orange-painted office--that shade of orange has been known to drive lesser men insane--is located in a no-man's-land part of town that probably resembles Grand Theft Auto's Liberty City more than it does the rest of New York. Downstairs from our building, there are many suspicious clothing shops (which are no doubt fronts for other activities) and places to buy chicken (which are also no doubt fronts for other activities). It seems like everything is being torn down and/or built up around us; huge pieces of yellow-colored construction equipment rumble along the ...

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ESPN's Top 10 Sports Documentaries Includes...King of Kong?
By Scott Jones | October 14, 2009
The guy who used to live in my apartment subscribed to ESPN: The Magazine. He's gone, but his subscription marches on without him. Woot. It's not a bad magazine, especially when you're sitting on the toilet. Like movies on airplanes, all magazines get about 30-percent more interesting if you're sitting on a toilet at the time. On a recent morning, during one of my porcelain epiphanies, I came across a story listing the top 10 best sports documentaries of all time. When We Were Kings? Oh, man, absolutely. Hoop Dreams? Great fucking film. But I was surprised to see Hands on a Hardbody on the lists, and even more surprised to find The King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters there. I mean, I guess there's training involved. And a main event of sorts. And I loved the movie dearly. But is there really such a dearth of good sports ...

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Jones Vows To Play/Finish Final Fantasy XII
By Scott Jones | October 9, 2009
Yesterday I went to the local EB Games here in Vancouver to buy a copy of Final Fantasy XII. In related news, pigs were seen flying over several North American cities yesterday. When I was at the store, I saw these two games prominently displayed in the PS2 section: That's right: Trapt and Zathura. They sound like titles of games that someone who knows nothing about games would make up. I can imagine my mother saying, "What are you doing in there for hours on end? Playing Zathura again or whatever the hell it's called? Why don't you go out and get a job? Why don't you have more friends? Why can't you be more like your brother!!!!!" Ahem. Sorry for that. Anyway, back to Final Fantasy XII. When John Teti and I were in Tokyo a few weeks back, the top floor ...

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Real-life Ocarinas: Just in Time for the Holiday Shopping Season
By Scott Jones | October 8, 2009
I know what Kyle Orland is doing over the holidays this year: Teaching himself how to play a mournful rendition of "Epona's Theme" on his real-life Ocarina. While eating a sandwich and leafing through a recent issue of Nintendo Power yesterday, I came across the following ad: Yes, it says: DISCOVER A MAGICAL WORLD WITH YOUR OCARINA. It features some fourth-rate Photoshopped-in magical star effects and a woman who looks like she's sad that her modeling career has taken her to a point where one-third of her head is appearing in ads in videogame magazines for Ocarinas. If you blow into this ocarina, the only "magical world" you will likely discover is one of loneliness and alcohol and subscriptions to Cat Fancy.

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The Indie Game That Ryan Kuo Wants To Play: The Hallway
By Scott Jones | October 6, 2009
Here at Crispy Gamer, we kid because we love. And we love Ryan Kuo. Seriously, this guy has turned out to be an integral part of Team Crispy. I personally didn't want to hire him. I know! He seemed kind of mopey during his interview. (Which I now realize is just one weapon in his toolbox of insidious charms.) And he went to Harvard, which only made me not want to hire him even more, because I think all Harvard people, once in their lifetimes, should not get at least one job they've applied for. And he didn't seem like much of a gamer. And...well, I could continue, but you get the idea. Ryan has turned out to be awesome to work with. He puts on his headphones and slouches in his office chair and just makes shit happen. Sometimes he leaves the office and never tells us where he goes. But he always comes back. Always. Sometimes carrying a sandwich from a sandwich shop none of us have ever heard of before. He originally ...

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	Preview: BioShock 2: Hands All Over It by Scott Jones \| 11/5/2009 10:25:56 AM \| 4 comments It's BioShock 2. But is it still BioShock? Scott Jones played the latest build.
	Feature: Games That Time Forgot: Freedom Fighters* (2003)* by Scott Jones \| 11/5/2009 10:12:56 AM \| 5 comments This fight against the Russians has all but vanished from history.
	Column: Casual Fridays: Backbreaker Football: Tackle Alley by Scott Jones \| 10/30/2009 12:15:41 PM \| 5 comments It's tilt or be tackled in Backbreaker Football.
	Review: Tekken 6 (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 10/29/2009 7:26:46 PM \| 8 comments They're still fighting in Tekken 6.
	Feature: Fun Things to Do With Corpses by Scott Jones \| 10/29/2009 8:57:15 AM \| 6 comments Ten things you can do with dead bodies. Happy Halloween!
	Feature: NSFW Gone Wild by Scott Jones \| 10/27/2009 1:04:12 PM \| 6 comments Your LOLs and FTWs are so passé compared to these.
	Review: Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time (PS3) by Scott Jones \| 10/22/2009 12:35:24 PM \| 18 comments Ratchet & Clank managed to blast their way into Jones' heart.
	Review: Borderlands (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 10/21/2009 9:51:52 AM \| 73 comments Borderlands is totally wild!
	Feature: It Was the Best of Cons, It Was the Worst of Cons by Scott Jones \| 10/19/2009 9:30:32 AM \| 14 comments Another year of nerd gatherings is over. Here is Jones' take on the Cons.
	Review: Psychonauts (Xbox) by Scott Jones \| 10/15/2009 8:50:29 AM \| 9 comments Before he melted faces, Tim Schafer boggled minds with Psychonauts. Read our retro review.
	Feature: Man vs. PSP Go by Scott Jones \| 10/13/2009 9:45:34 AM \| 25 comments This is what happened when Scott Jones met his PSP Go.
	Feature: The Jones Report: Fitness Games Are Really Only Thinly Veiled Erotica by Scott Jones \| 10/8/2009 8:58:25 AM \| 11 comments Here's the problem with fitness games.
	Feature: The Jones Report: It's Hard Out There for a Game Journalist by Scott Jones \| 10/6/2009 8:46:01 AM \| 62 comments Scott Jones thinks that game criticism may be on the verge of a crisis.
	Review: Dead Space Extraction (Wii) by Scott Jones \| 9/29/2009 12:51:50 PM \| 1 comments Extraction will tell you when and where to wet your space-pants.
	Review: Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 (PS3) by Scott Jones \| 9/29/2009 11:41:47 AM \| 9 comments The enhancements in the PS3-exclusive Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 bring the game down.
	Feature: Ten Things About Halo That Are Just Terrible by Scott Jones \| 9/23/2009 8:50:43 AM \| 27 comments Scott Jones has some issues with Halo.
	Review: Wet (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 9/15/2009 8:43:24 AM \| 8 comments Sex takes unexpected form in Wet.
	Feature: Uncomfortable Pairings by Scott Jones \| 9/15/2009 8:43:14 AM \| 14 comments Something strange is going on with those two.
	Review: Muramasa: The Demon Blade (Wii) by Scott Jones \| 9/14/2009 6:57:18 PM \| 2 comments If it looks like a videogame, and plays like a videogame …
	Feature: Six Games That Really Should Have Fighting in Them by Scott Jones \| 9/14/2009 9:09:14 AM \| 9 comments Ever itch to start a fight in Animal Crossing?
	Interview: Postmortem: Wolfenstein by Scott Jones \| 9/2/2009 8:39:50 AM \| 2 comments Creative Director Eric Biessman surveys the aftermath of Wolfenstein, including Crispy's own Fry.
	Review: Metroid Prime Trilogy (Wii) by Scott Jones \| 8/24/2009 4:44:01 PM \| 4 comments The Metroid Prime series gets a second, much-deserved chance to shine.
	Feature: The Game Reaper: 13 Franchises That Need to Die by Scott Jones \| 8/18/2009 8:47:39 AM \| 4 comments The Game Reaper lets fly with his scythe.
	Feature: The Jones Report: 1-900-HOW-2-WIN by Scott Jones \| 8/12/2009 9:05:06 AM \| 23 comments When the going got tough, Scott Jones used to call Nintendo.
	Feature: Great Moments in Madden Glitches by Scott Jones \| 8/11/2009 8:50:59 AM \| 0 comments We pick out some of Madden's darker moments.
	Feature: Eight Toys That Should Never, Under Any Circumstances, Be Turned Into Videogames by Scott Jones \| 8/5/2009 9:07:22 AM \| 17 comments Don't toy with videogames. Not if you're one of these childhood diversions.
	Feature: Six Gaming Console Ports/Holes That Never Really Went Anywhere by Scott Jones \| 8/4/2009 8:51:24 AM \| 26 comments These consoles gave us something to believe in. But their mysterious dead-end ports still give us nothing.
	Feature: The 11 Biggest Frauds in Gaming by Scott Jones \| 7/29/2009 9:10:36 AM \| 36 comments You'll only get fake fun out of these gaming impostors. Scott Jones sniffs them out.
	Feature: The 11 Sports That Got Edited Out of Wii Sports Resort by Scott Jones \| 7/27/2009 8:40:01 AM \| 5 comments Scott Jones and his Mole dug up exclusive info on the games that never made it into Wii Sports Resort.
	Interview: Postmortem: Prototype by Scott Jones \| 7/21/2009 8:37:02 AM \| 1 comments Prototype's executive producer talks open worlds, anti-heroes and New York City.
	Review: The Bigs 2 (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 7/8/2009 6:57:59 PM \| 4 comments The Bigs 2 is the Ichiro of baseball games: lean, hard-hitting, no bloat. (Well, almost.)
	Feature: What-If Dept.: What If Great Authors Had Written Game Reviews? by Scott Jones \| 7/8/2009 8:36:07 AM \| 14 comments Try asking Carver, Hemingway or Poe why they didn't talk about multiplayer in their game reviews.
	Feature: Like Watching Paint Dry: Why Most Games Are Really Boring After the Opening Hour by Scott Jones \| 7/6/2009 3:08:29 PM \| 23 comments Most games start strong, drag on, and end with a whimper. Scott Jones considers why.
	Feature: An Open Letter to Sony by Scott Jones \| 7/1/2009 8:43:53 AM \| 9 comments To the maker of Home and PSP Go, read this letter from Scott Jones.
	Review: Fight Night Round 4 (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 6/30/2009 4:35:19 PM \| 6 comments Fight Night made it to Round 4, but it's in mixed shape. Scott Jones reviews EA Sports' latest boxing game.
	Review: Overlord II (Xbox 360) by Scott Jones \| 6/26/2009 5:06:01 PM \| 5 comments Overlord II brings much-needed mischief to videogames.
	Feature: The 25 Games You Need to Finish Before You Die by Scott Jones \| 6/25/2009 7:35:03 AM \| 51 comments You aren't allowed to leave Earth until you play -- and finish -- these 25 games.
	Feature: Wii MotionPlus: Fact, Fiction, Fraud or Hoax by Scott Jones \| 6/23/2009 7:37:46 AM \| 10 comments Does WiiMotion Plus walk the walk? Or is it just more waggle? Scott Jones investigates.
	Feature: The Rules of Gaming: The Crispy Rulebook, Vol. 1 by Scott Jones \| 6/23/2009 7:21:50 AM \| 22 comments Read up on gaming etiquette and best practices in this first edition of the Crispy Rulebook.
	Preview: E3 2009: The Five: Wet by Scott Jones \| 6/19/2009 2:22:14 PM \| 0 comments Bethesda reveals that it, too, enjoys ninjas from the third-person. Scott Jones previews Wet.