How not to make an open-world action game
6/16/2009 5:06 PM | 34 Comments | Page 1 of 3
What's Hot: Dynamically generated urban chaos; Some inventive combat powers
What's Not: Aimless game world; Pointless game progression; Lots of stuff that doesn't matter
Prototype made me yell at my cat.
I was fighting one of the game's various bosses. It was some kind of mound of goo in Times Square. It had tentacles that smacked me if I got within punching range. Little green energy balls floated around it and homed in on me when I got close. Occasionally, the goo mound would send out a blast wave. All the while, superfast mutants swarmed me and knocked me over. There was a hit-point bar for the mass of goo, and then a series of hit-point hash marks for the goo's armor or support structures or carapace or something. I was just staying alive as long as I could to do damage, hoping I would reach some sort of checkpoint before dying, which was happening with frequency. I'd beaten the boss twice, but each time -- psyche! -- it turned out I was only beating one stage of the boss, at which point it would come back with more hit-point hash marks. Who knew how long this was going to go on?
And there was my cat meowing about something. So I go, "Dude, shut up! You are driving me crazy. Go away!"
You can punch a guy really hard. If you want.
I was sick of this game and its terrible boss fights. I was sick of the awkward spammy Devil May Cry/Ninja Gaiden battles. I was sick of the twitchy jumping/flight controls, which made the electric flying in
Infamous seem downright sensible (to explain anything in
Prototype, just insert the words "a wizard did it" but replace "wizard" with "virus"). I was just sick of it all. I did not want to be playing this stupid thing anymore. I had no idea why I was fighting a mound of goo, though the backstory assured me there was something relevant going on. I felt sorry for Barry Pepper, who provided the voice for
Prototype's confused attempt at a mass-murdering antihero. Before the game is over, he will yell and rage like Christian Bale berating a cinematographer. It will sound just as silly. Barry Pepper was good in "Saving Private Ryan." He was really good in "25th Hour," which was about New York City.
Prototype thinks it's about New York City. When it ends, which won't be for another five hours or so after this terrible boss fight in which I yell at my cat, there will be a speech about the city surviving the world's first biological terror attack. Yeah, pretty much everyone will be thinking about 9/11 when you say that,
Prototype. Then there are the many times we'll see the cut scene of Manhattan getting nuked when we fail the final boss fight. I will see that cut scene 11 times. I know it's 11 times because I will keep count.
These are the things that will wander through my mind as I play
Prototype. Right now I'm clutching this controller and spamming various tendril attacks and hammer-slams and throwing cars and generally frowning at the fact that
Prototype is terrible. My cat is sulking on the couch across the room from me. I later apologize to him and explain it wasn't him driving me crazy, it was the game. I think he understands. But the point is that
Prototype made me a very unpleasant person. It's one of those games I would have stopped playing if I were in it for fun. But I wasn't. I was in it for the review. I was in it so I could come here to tell you people about it.
