Major Minor's Majestic March (Wii)

4/9/2009 7:08 PM | 2 Comments | Page 1 of 3

Imagine if NanaOn-Sha's classic rhythm action game PaRappa the Rapper had involved doing nothing but tapping the X button over and over and over again to a 2/4 beat. Pretty lame, right? Replace tapping X with moving the Wii Remote up and down and you've essentially got Major Minor's Majestic March, an ignoble and disappointing follow-up to PaRappa (and its less-well known but equally kick-ass spin-off, UmJammer Lammy).

The ingredients for another quirky NanaOn-Sha hit would seem, at first glance, to be in place. Producer Masaya Matsuura has been reunited with Rodney Greenblat, the artist responsible for PaRappa's signature "flat" art style; and the story, which introduces us to Major Minor, an anthropomorphic cat who wants to be the best drum major around, mimics PaRappa's quest to win the heart of his girl by trying hard and being the best he can be.

But where PaRappa's tale was sweet and offbeat, Major Minor's is just saccharine. The game's tepid plot includes a villain named Eggplant Fox, who makes a few half-hearted attempts to sabotage the band before giving up, and a dull sidekick named Tom who leaves the band for a level, then inexplicably returns, creating what passes for dramatic tension.

Major Minor's marching baton somehow holds the reincarnated spirit of his Great Great Grandmother Gladiola (GGGG), who acts as his mentor. But she's no Chop Chop Master Onion. The slogan she croaks out at the beginning of each stage ("March, march, keep on marchin' / March, march, keep on marchin' / Keeeeep Onnnnn Maaaaaarch-ing!") just seems like it's straining way too hard to be "quirky."

But who cares about the story, right? This is a rhythm action game, and one in which you get to be the super-cool guy or gal strutting at the head of the marching band, leading the progression and keeping time. But when everything that's cool about being in a marching band is stripped away, and you're left slouching on your couch moving a small white rectangle of plastic up and down -- alone, most likely -- it's not even close to being fun.

As you march through a stage by pumping your arm while the musicians follow automatically behind you, your band dutifully belts out a series of 2/4 parade hits like the "Liberty Bell" march, "Pomp and Circumstance" and Tchaikovsky's "Slavonic March." You can recruit new band members by flicking to the left or right as you walk by them (this technique can also be used to snag power-ups). There are a few problems here, though. One is that the twists seem to register maybe two-thirds of the time, and the other is that twisting isn't fun for the wrists.

The added challenge is that the musicians all like to walk at different speeds. They start to get angry -- and will eventually quit the band -- if they aren't walking at a pace that's comfortable for them. As a bandleader, it's theoretically your job to adjust the tempo to keep everyone happy, but the problem is they never are. What exactly am I supposed to do when the flute-playing sunflower thinks the pace is too slow, but the fat pig with the sousaphone can't keep up? (I'm not being rude; there actually is a sousaphone-playing pig.)