As the all-powerful Yogurt said in "Spaceballs," "We put the picture's name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made." Electronic Arts has been riding the Lord of the Rings merchandising train for a few years now, with no signs of slowing down.

"I think we need a bigger box."

With The Lord of the Rings: Conquest, EA and Pandemic decided to borrow liberally from Pandemic's previous work on the Star Wars: Battlefront series. You jump into the frontlines as either a foot soldier for the forces of Good or as one of Sauron's minions for the forces of Evil. Start up a game and choose from four main classes: Warrior, Mage, Archer and Scout. Mages and Archers take out enemies from a distance, while Scouts sneak around amongst the hordes, and Warriors just hack and slash their way through the enemy forces. Occasionally, the game lets you become one of the trilogy's big guns, like Gandalf or Aragon, but you by and large go through the motions as one of the nameless grunts, feeling like you're wearing a red shirt in an episode of "Star Trek."

Pandemic seems to have taken a lot more interest in Conquest's campaign mode than it ever did in the Battlefront games. Seeing the major movie battles from the fresh perspective of someone outside the spotlight almost feels like playing a part in an extended director's cut of the films. Even more entertaining are the game's "what?if" scenarios. For example, one mission in the Good campaign tasks you with leading the charge against Sauron's outpost in Minas Morgul. While this was discussed as a possible tactic in both the movie and in the books, the plan was quickly abandoned.

"Nobody move! Bob lost a contact."

But as interesting as this is, it's nothing compared to what's in store after you beat the Good campaign. Doing so unlocks the Evil campaign, which has you take the reins of the bad guys in a world in which Frodo failed in his quest to destroy the One Ring. From a storytelling perspective, it's every geeky fanboy's dream played out.

The plot of Conquest is surprisingly good, but the game itself is a mixed bag. Visually, half the stuff in the game looks phenomenal. With the FX gurus over at Weta working on the game, the creatures of Middle-earth look stunning on the PC screen. The main characters, though, be they human, Elf, Hobbit or aged wizard, are barely a step above cardboard cutouts, and they move around with about as much grace. The frame rate for the game also chugs along like a Ray Harryhausen stop-motion flick when the screen starts to fill. At least the controls are easy and fairly intuitive.

"Don't worry. We found a stand-in for the role of Goliath in the community theater."

The opposing armies seem about as bright as a three-watt bulb on a dimmer switch. These guys charge blindly into battle, stumble over each other, and are generally the most ill-witted opponents you could possibly face. The only way they seem to get things done is by sheer numbers. But the enemy artificial intelligence is a MENSA-certified genius compared to your computer-controlled allies. Your allies, on whom you absolutely need to count for support, normally drag you into trouble instead of pulling you out of it. If you want reliable support, you'll have to skip the single-player campaign altogether, and move right into the game's multiplayer component.

Multiplayer games support up to 16 players -- not exactly a large number of players for a PC action title -- and apparently have a much lower cap on the number of enemies that appear on-screen at any given time. As a result, the multiplayer games actually tend to run a hell of a lot more smoothly than the single-player games.

With new and imaginative Lord of the Rings material, the powerhouse teaming of EA, Pandemic and Weta Digital, and the basic formula behind the hugely popular Star Wars: Battlefront games, Conquest is a game that couldn't possibly have gone wrong. And yet, the game snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. I wish Frodo had kept the One Ring and sent this game into the fires of Mount Doom.

This review is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.