With her upper-crust accent, good skin and awesome posture, Lara Croft appears to be a sophisticated goody-goody, a woman who would set the tent up for you when you go camping together, and then sit around wearing a tiny pair of shorts as she regaled you with stories of "that one time in Peru."

But the truth is that beneath her posh, vitamin-taking exterior, Lara Croft is a self-serving, egotistical rogue. She's a character who, ethically speaking, isn't much more evolved than the B-grade villains who typically vex her.

And, honestly, that's what I've always liked most about the old girl. They don't call her a "tomb raider" for nothing, I guess.

"You guys are going to look so awesome in front of my fireplace."

Tomb Raider Underworld finds her on another smash-and-grab mission, busting ancient vases with her foot, stuffing her backpack full of treasure, and leaving hundreds of dead panthers -- and human corpses -- in her wake. I used to think that Lara Croft and Han Solo would make the perfect couple. But now that I think about it, with his snazzy vests and quick wit, he's probably too sophisticated for her. Lara Croft and Duke Nukem, I think, would be a more appropriate pairing.

2006's Tomb Raider: Legend was a back-to-basics reboot for Lara; and 2007's Tomb Raider: Anniversary, a rehash of the 1996 original, was a deserved victory lap for developer Crystal Dynamics. So what's Underworld exactly?

That's hard to say.

The game opens with a murky scuba-diving level. (Side note: Gus Mastrapa was sitting with me as I played the game. "Oh no, a swimming level," he said. "That's not a good sign.") I swam around for awhile, not sure where to go or what I was looking for. Two sharks attacked me. I killed them. I looked at Lara's sonar map, hoping to find a clue. In fact, it's not really a "map" at all. It's a "pretty graphic that doesn't contain any useful or relevant information."

"Man, look at all this old crap."

I eventually found my way into an old-looking underwater room where a big, dangerous octopus lived. After slipping and falling into the water about 40 times, and basically using his face as a ladder to climb out of the water, I realized that the Kraken was about as dangerous as Clay Aiken.

That didn't stop me from yanking a few chains here and there, and ultimately dropping a conveniently placed spiked chandelier-thing onto his bulbous head. He writhed around in his death throes for awhile, and then eventually collapsed, getting out of the way of the old-looking door I needed to get through.


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Lara then discovers a floating batting glove. When she reaches out to touch the batting glove, it disintegrates, and reveals a tiny electric hand-bracelet-thing. Just as she dons the bracelet -- incoming d?j? vu, people! -- a band of mercenary types show up, pulling the old "hand it over" routine. They give her a knock on her head and make off with the hand-bracelet. When Lara comes to, she chases after them. She drives her expensive motorboat and furrows her brow. Then she boards their merc-like tanker, and begins to shoot everyone. And she does all of this -- no kidding -- in her bare feet.

The Polish judge gives Lara a 7.2 for her routine on the uneven bars.

Some "friends" rear their ugly heads in Underworld, including Natla from the original game, as well as Amanda Evert, Lara's colleague who is still cheesed at Lara for abandoning her in Peru. (Get over it, lady.) And locations include Southern Mexico, Coastal Thailand and the Mediterranean. Though Crystal Dynamics does toss in a snow level at the end, most of the game is set in the typical, visually static jungle environments. Man, if I never see another pixilated fern again, it'll be too soon. I don't know where Lara needs to go next -- The city? Rural England? -- but the series desperately needs some visual variety.

The series' rotten controls are also becoming harder and harder to take. Lara bounds around like Kerri Strug one minute; and then she seems to trip over her own feet, stumbling around like a sterno-bum, before plummeting to an awkward death in the next minute. There are far, far too many I-didn't-mean-to-do-that moments. The hinky controls make it very difficult to build up any gameplay momentum; whatever disbelief you've suspended plummets to its death alongside Lara.

The game's pacing and puzzles also hamper gameplay momentum. Example: About halfway through the game, while trying to solve one of the game's umpteen pressure plate puzzles, I was hauling a big rock around some catacombs. Lara walks ... very ... slowly ... while carrying the big rock. So I walked. And walked. And walked. My girlfriend happened to be sitting with me as I carried my rock around. I said to her, "If spiders attack me now, I will seriously lose it." Sure enough, as I rounded the next corner, spiders attacked me. I had to 1. Set down the rock, 2. Pull all the spiders off me and shoot them, and 3. Pick up my rock and continue on my merry way. It was in these moments when I began to wonder if there might be something good on C-Span.

"There must be something around here that I can kill or steal."

But far more unforgiveable are the draconian time limits the developers have placed on many of the game's puzzles. Example: After much experimentation and exploration, I finally resolved one of the game's set-piece puzzles. My reward: A 30-second-long cut scene of a massive temple opening, complete with fire-breathing stone dragons and dramatic music. Knowing that the gate was now open -- which required nearly an hour's worth of game work -- I sped to the temple's entrance on my motorcycle. When I arrived, I found something disturbing: The entrance had closed. Baffled as to what had happened, I consulted the strategy guide (which Eidos wisely shipped to me with the game). The temple, apparently, only opens for a set amount of time, and only by driving like hell to get there, and carefully circumventing the various death pits filled with spikes along the roadway, would I be able to enter the temple.

Realizing that I had to backtrack and re-do at least half of the puzzle over again, just for the chance to make a death-pit drive to the entrance, there's no other way to put this: I felt f***ed with.

Did I make it eventually? I did. But it's exactly these misery-inducing, cruel and unusual moments -- and, trust me, there are a great many throughout -- that make Lara, and Underworld, very difficult to love.

This review is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.