Tomb Raider Underworld (Xbox 360)

Attack of the bare midriff.
11/28/2008 1:11 PM | 1 Comments | Page 1 of 3

With her upper-crust accent, good skin and awesome posture, Lara Croft appears to be a sophisticated goody-goody, a woman who would set the tent up for you when you go camping together, and then sit around wearing a tiny pair of shorts as she regaled you with stories of "that one time in Peru."

But the truth is that beneath her posh, vitamin-taking exterior, Lara Croft is a self-serving, egotistical rogue. She's a character who, ethically speaking, isn't much more evolved than the B-grade villains who typically vex her.

And, honestly, that's what I've always liked most about the old girl. They don't call her a "tomb raider" for nothing, I guess.

Tomb Raider Underworld finds her on another smash-and-grab mission, busting ancient vases with her foot, stuffing her backpack full of treasure, and leaving hundreds of dead panthers -- and human corpses -- in her wake. I used to think that Lara Croft and Han Solo would make the perfect couple. But now that I think about it, with his snazzy vests and quick wit, he's probably too sophisticated for her. Lara Croft and Duke Nukem, I think, would be a more appropriate pairing.

2006's Tomb Raider: Legend was a back-to-basics reboot for Lara; and 2007's Tomb Raider: Anniversary, a rehash of the 1996 original, was a deserved victory lap for developer Crystal Dynamics. So what's Underworld exactly?

That's hard to say.

The game opens with a murky scuba-diving level. (Side note: Gus Mastrapa was sitting with me as I played the game. "Oh no, a swimming level," he said. "That's not a good sign.") I swam around for awhile, not sure where to go or what I was looking for. Two sharks attacked me. I killed them. I looked at Lara's sonar map, hoping to find a clue. In fact, it's not really a "map" at all. It's a "pretty graphic that doesn't contain any useful or relevant information."

I eventually found my way into an old-looking underwater room where a big, dangerous octopus lived. After slipping and falling into the water about 40 times, and basically using his face as a ladder to climb out of the water, I realized that the Kraken was about as dangerous as Clay Aiken.

That didn't stop me from yanking a few chains here and there, and ultimately dropping a conveniently placed spiked chandelier-thing onto his bulbous head. He writhed around in his death throes for awhile, and then eventually collapsed, getting out of the way of the old-looking door I needed to get through.