Videogame reviews are not here for your entertainment. They are not here to amuse you like Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas." They are here to tell you whether a game is good or bad; whether you should, as Crispy Gamer puts it, "Buy It," "Try It," or "Fry It."

So let's cut to the chase: Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Jedi Alliance is bad. It's not an affront to nature; playing it won't make you go blind -- it's just a so-so game made even more infuriating because of bad controls that give you no, well, control. It could've been good, and it's not.


If I sound a bit bitter about it, well, I am. I love Star Wars and by extension, Star Wars videogames (and Star Wars comic books, Star Wars cartoons and even weird Japanese Star Wars action figures with stylishly large hands, feet and heads). Jedi Alliance is based on the animated series, "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," currently airing on the Cartoon Network, Friday nights at 9 p.m. It's not only set in the same era, but it also has the same stylized look, and features the same voice cast.

As you'd expect from watching the show, or the "Clone Wars" movie that just came out on DVD, the story is told like it's some galactic newsreel footage. (Because everyone who likes Star Wars remembers newsreel footage from the second World War.) When a Republic spaceship transporting the crystals used to make lightsabers is attacked by Separatists, it's up to the Jedis to find out what happened and who is responsible. So the Jedi Council dispatch two of their finest to the scene, and you decide which duo will go: Will it be elder statesmen Mace Windu and Plo Koon, war veterans Obi-Wan Kenobi and Kit Fisto, or Anakin Skywalker and his spunky but still green Padawan, Ahsoka Tano? Or another combo of your choosing, such as Ahsoka and her pal Plo, or Mace and Obi-Wan?


Thus we come to the central idea of Jedi Alliance, that two Jedi are better than one -- though apparently not much better, since the game doesn't do much with this idea. Once you've chosen which Jedi to play, you then pick a sidekick to accompany you on this mission. While there are some areas only accessible if you have the right pairing of Jedi, and you can help a fellow Jedi by tapping on the enemy they're fighting, you're otherwise left to your own devices. And once you've chosen your lead Jedi, you're stuck with them; there's no switching between characters like in most other games that have two characters working together.

This is a mere inconvenience and a wasted opportunity, but hardly the biggest problem with Jedi Alliance. That would be that you're forced (no pun intended) to use the touch-screen, even though you could just as easily -- scratch that -- even though it would be far easier to play this with the buttons and directional pad. I know Jedi live by a strict code, but making them use the touch-screen without an option to use the buttons seems like something a Sith would do. And even then, only a Sith who's being a jerk.


To move, you put the stylus' tip on the lower screen where you'd like your Jedi to head, and the screen scrolls accordingly. This will not only remind older gamers of those point-and-click CD-ROM adventure games we used to play in the '80s, but also why we we're glad they stopped making them in the '80s.


Other motions are decidedly more modern; they'll remind you of using the touch-screen on a Palm Pilot. To attack enemies, you simply tap on them repeatedly until they go down. This is the same action you take when you find a box you'd like to smash, a glowing blue spot you'd like to jump to, or a switch you'd like to flip. And it's just as challenging.

There is, admittedly, a little more to combat. (Very little.) You can hold down the L or R buttons to use the Force ? and then tap your enemies repeatedly until they go down. You get more Force Power if you attack a second enemy just after beating the first, but this isn't much of a strategy since you're not going to beat up one enemy and then wait a while before attacking the second. You can also stun opponents by attacking them rapidly, and follow with a combo of low, middle or high attacks -- but it's hardly ever necessary, and once you've started smacking someone, you'll just keep doing so until they're down anyway.


The only parts of the game where the touch-screen makes sense are in the mini-games strewn throughout. This isn't to say they're challenging or engaging, just that they work better with the touch-screen than they would with normal controls. For example, you have to cut a door by following a pattern, which is about as difficult and fun as it sounds.

Using the stylus and touch-screen isn't horrible -- but it ruins the challenge. And even if it employed the buttons and directional pad, this is an okay action game at best -- a rental, if there's nothing else available ... and you love Star Wars.


Even hardcore Star Wars fanatics -- present company included -- might be turned off by the game's low-rent presentation. Granted, no one expects 5.1 surround sound from a DS, but the music and dialogue sound especially grungy, like a bad AM radio signal, even through a good pair of headphones. Ahsoka Tano hardly sounds like herself. Similarly, while we don't expect high-definition visuals from Nintendo's little buddy, is it to much to ask that the character's mouths move when they speak?

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This leaves ... little kids. Yes, little kids will probably enjoy Jedi Alliance just fine. It's not just because the combat won't remind them of putting their wife's birthday in their electronic calendar. But if you're over the age of 10, and even the least bit discerning, this won't cut it. It's not "The Star Wars Holiday Special" bad, or even Jar-Jar bad, but it's hardly entertaining -- which, unlike this review, is what this game should've been.


This review is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.