Guitar Hero: On Tour (DS)
Take this one out to the wood shred.
6/27/2008 6:13 PM | 1 Comments | Page 2 of 2
What's Hot: Well, it is Guitar Hero. And it is portable. So that's something, I guess; Pick-shaped stylus is cool. I guess; Variety of venues to play in, including a rooftop and a subway platform.
What's Not: That Smash Mouth track; Hand-cramping, and that's a guarantee; That Smash Mouth track. Oh, mentioned that one already? Trust me, it's worth a second mention.
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
"Your wallet is empty!/You're sweating through your shirt!"
Now, before you slink back to your dressing room,
GH: On Tour, I have a few more questions for you:
Why, for example, are two pertinent pieces of information -- the Star Power meter and my note multiplier -- on the wrong screen? Wouldn't it make more sense to put them on the same screen as the scrolling notes? Instead, they appear on the opposite screen, meaning that whenever I glanced over to check on either stat, I'd screw up my multiplier.
And while we're on the subject of scrolling notes, when holding the game properly in my hand, with the DS laid out before me as the instructions dictate, the notes scroll left to right; not towards me. In fact, the only way to get them to scroll towards me a la traditional Guitar Hero was to crimp my hand sideways -- an act that the game manual explicitly tells me not to do. Why?
Why is the whammy bar so uncomfortably close to the virtual guitar strings on the touch-screen, making it nigh impossible to whammy effectively without drifting over into the virtual strings area and being tagged with a miffed note?
The ability to name your band has such strict letter limitations that when I attempted to input "Sgt. Destroy" -- a truly awesome band name, I think you'll all agree -- the game only allowed me to input "Sgt. Des." In the immortal words of metal fans everywhere: "Boo."
Again, why?
Worst of all -- and if you haven't ceased waving your "Freebird" lighter yet, you will after this -- why must I yell the words "Rock out!" into the DS microphone in order to release my Star Power? No kidding, the game instructs you to yell, "ROCK" followed by the word "OUT."
"Your face is all sad!/And your hand f***ing hurts!" (Cue crappy guitar solo!)
Side note: The words, "Woohoo," "Hello Cleveland," "Kill me now, Jesus," and "This game sucks Sgt. Destroy's ass" are all equally effective at releasing Star Power. Oh, and you can also simply blow into the microphone, if you find yourself playing the game in public and wish to be discrete about it. But if you do find yourself playing this game in public, my guess is you've got more pressing concerns than being discrete. Just a guess.
And, finally, after several years spent playing Guitar Hero games (and, cough cough,
Rock Band), after countless hours of toning up my Guitar Hero muscles in my fingers and forearms, why does playing this version of the game, after only a mere few minutes of play, make me feel like Robert De Niro has been beating on my hand with a hammer
à la "Casino"?
I'll close with this: Movie stars shouldn't talk about politics. The Command & Conquer series doesn't belong on home consoles. Your chocolate doesn't belong in my peanut butter. And Guitar Hero does not belong on the DS.
Goodnight everybody! Bleep bloop bloop bleep!
Verdict: Fry me a river.
