The Wii version provides a great white drum kit to whale on.

Pretend you still own an eight-track tape player.


I'm not saying that you do. But imagine that you not only have an eight-track player, but that it is the only music device you own. And no matter how much you talk up the virtues of eight-track, deep down you know that you really ought to buy a turntable or even a CD player to go along with it.


And then imagine you find out that the Rolling Stones have released their swan-song album on eight-track. Never mind that it's been out for months and months on CD and via iTunes. Just when you thought about giving up on your beloved music machine, you suddenly have a reason to hang on.

This, I would imagine, pretty much sums up how Wii owners feel about the arrival of Rock Band on their little white gaming system. It's cool, but just cool in a sort of sloppy seconds sort of way.

Anyone who actually freaked at the idea that Harmonix, the guys who made Frequency, Amplitude and Guitar Hero, were actually going to make a game with guitar, bass, vocals and drums, long ago scraped up the cash for a PlayStation 3 or an Xbox 360 to enjoy the game when it launched last year. Even the hordes of marginal music fans who just happened to own a next-gen console picked up the Rock Band "Special Edition" box and a case of beer at their local Wal-Mart in a desperate attempt to get people to come over and hang out and play games.

"On closer inspection, like most covers, Wii Rock Band is missing key elements, like downloadable content and online multiplayer."

By the time that Rock Band washed up on the seemingly deserted shore of the Wii, you can only wonder, "Who's gonna play this thing?"


A couple of possible answers come to mind, and the minor changes made to the game during its import from the PS3 and 360 to the Wii make much more sense in this context.


So why the Wii?

Answer 1: Abject greed. Why sell to most console gamers when you can sell to all of them? The co-publisher, EA, has a long track record of porting anything they can to everything imaginable, so if a few more suckers will cough up $170 for a Wii version of the game, why not hire some third party to convert the game for a new platform? And that's exactly what they did.


Answer 2: Popular culture moment. Some things just have their moment in the spotlight. Remember Lara Croft? She had her 15 minutes on the original PlayStation and has been whoring herself out like Kato Kaelin ever since trying to stay relevant. The salesman's wisdom holds that you should sell while the market is hot. So, back to answer 1: Make money while the making is good.


Because it's hard to say how long Rock Band's star will shine. Right now, the brand, and its bastard cousin Guitar Hero, appear to have no shame. Well, maybe some shame. I have not seen Rock Band underwear, yet -- but I can only image it's coming.

At first glance, the Wii version of Rock Band is a note-for-note duplicate of the Xbox 360 ad PS3 versions.

Answer 3: The Nintendo model works for someone other than Nintendo. You have to wonder if Nintendo execs keep a folder of clippings filled with journalistic articles and analyst reports that didn't understand what was going on with the big N. For years Nintendo has talked about the mass market and expanding gaming outside the hardcore, and now that they are making money hand over DS-clenching fist, business execs on this side of the ocean seem to be paying attention.


Which is to say, maybe EA put Rock Band out on the Wii under the assumption that lots, millions even, of people that bought Wiis during the last two cycles of holiday hysteria actually would like to play the game, and are not going to tread into Best Buy and plop down hundreds of dollars for a another gaming machine.

On closer inspection, like most covers, Wii Rock Band is missing key elements, like downloadable content and online multiplayer."

Put these three answers together and you get what gamers are getting -- a decent port of Rock Band minus some pretty important pieces more likely lamented by current RB fans than the folks just discovering the game for the first time.


So, what's missing?


Two words: Downloadable content. Sure, the Wii version packs in five extra tracks previously available via download on the 360 and PS3 including The Police "Roxanne," Oasis "Don't Look Back in Anger," Ramones "Rockaway Beach," All-American Rejects "Dirty Little Secret" and B-52s "Roam." But those are just a nod to the fact that the lack of substantial internal storage on the little Nintendo machine that could is just not up to the heavy lifting of his big brothers. Sure, EA has announced song packs at $30 for 20 tunes for the Wii and PlayStation 2, but that's cold comfort for the dedicated Rock Band fan who can currently enjoy close to 200 additional songs and choose what they like for as little less than $2 a pop with hundreds more on the way.

The game looks about as good as anything on the Wii. But don't look for character customization -- there isn't any.

And then there's the conspicuous absence of the character editor. Sure, Rock Band is about rocking. But it's hard to deny there was a little thrill around naming your band, and earning enough dough to outfit your guitar player with that cool camo tee or ink your drummer's arms from shoulder to wrist so she would look more metal.


Once again, facing storage limits, Rock Band for the Wii just dispenses with the entire idea that your band is your band, and just sends you through the same levels as the previous versions, but in an arcade-style series of acts rather than venues. No, it doesn't ruin the game. But somehow while desperately trying to hammer on all those quarter notes, you can't help notice that your avatar on-screen has switched from that cool nerdy guy from the last song to some punk chick with purple hair. The details, we are reminded, do matter.


If you blink, you'll miss the online play. Sure, online multiplayer hasn't turned into the killer Rock Band feature on the more advanced platforms, but it does seem a little sad to lose the opportunity to get your groove on with strangers wailing away in some distant living room.

The bottom line: On the Wii, the song remains the same.

There are other differences, almost too small to mention. The drums are white instead of black, which is cool in a White Stripes kind of way. Plus, the kit seems a little more sturdy than the original Rock Band set. While the included guitar looks almost exactly like the Xbox 360 Stratocaster replica, it's customized with a Wii interface (see that plus and minus button, that's the Wii for you) and, like the PS3, it's wireless (and no, you don't have to snap in a Wii remote like you do on Wii Guitar Hero).


It's worth noting too, that the instrument controllers are conveniently non-interchangeable. Not with other Rock Band set ups. Not with Guitar Hero. The microphone and USB hub, however, do seem to work.

Of course, none of this matters when you remember that the Wii version of Rock Band is for the average Wii owners, who are the same people that don't know what an FPS is, couldn't care less about MGS, and wonder whatever happened to the Xbox 359.

"I am the lord of the moustache. And I am singing that catchy song 29 Fingers from the original Rock Band."

Look at it this way, maybe grandma bought a Wii just because the nice man on television told her how cool Wii Fit is. Great, now there's a Wii at grandma and grandpa's, and this is the perfect time to show up with the Wii Rock Band bundle. Meanwhile, across basements everywhere, dads are drooling over the prospect of grabbing a Wii Rock Band kit to plug into the kids' Wii setup, just so the children can learn a little about music and he can sneak down after the little ones are in bed.


And don't forget about all that Wii bowling in the senior citizens' homes. Think that was a fluke? Wait until you see a new wave of Rock Band parties in the assisted living complex.


Rock Band for the Wii might be too much like the younger sibling that never gets a break and lives in the shadow of his smart, popular and older brother. Then again, here's our chance to slam the little punk up against the lockers and let loose with the criticism that's been welling up in us. "Hey kid, tell your dad we're tired of excuses. We want Beatles and Zeppelin. Neil Young, too. We love the Ramones, but stop fiddling around and get to the meat. We want 'I Wanna Be Sedated' or 'Sheena is a Punk Rocker,' duh. Oh, and stop with all the Boston stuff. We know that's where you're from. But before you post the entire Pixies catalog, how about a H?sker D? or, WTF, have you heard of Black Flag?"


We've got our eye on you, Rock Band, you and your Wii little brother.

This review was based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.