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Truthfully, the glaive isn't completely useless. The game eventually doled out new techniques that made it sort of OK to use. Holding down the right trigger, for example, let me charge up the glaive, meaning I could deal four times the damage to my enemies. I could also steer the glaive through the air -- hit the right trigger second time to cue up your behind-the-flying-glaive camera -- to direct it towards specific targets.

Yet, despite these improvements, more often than not I got through the game's firefights not by using the glaive -- which should be the star of the show -- but by running like hell and shooting guns.

The game gets eight percent more interesting when a giant hairless ape shows up several times. (Crispy Tip: Whenever you see him, STAY THE HELL OUT OF HIS WAY.) The hairless ape terrorizes your enemies and does a whole bunch of property damage, throwing old cars around and smashing buildings. The game teased me with the ape for hours, giving me little glimpses of him here and there, so I knew that the ape and I were going to have to get it on at some point.

When he and I finally went toe-to-toe in a ruined church, the encounter wasn't very interesting: I set him on fire a few times and then he died. I looked at his charred corpse for a while. It was around this time that Dark Sector began to make me feel like one of those people on "America's Funniest Home Videos" getting struck in the groin with a Wiffle ball bat.

And yes, I did say "a ruined church," which is just one of the countless clichéd sites in which Dark Sector's action -- or rather "action" -- is set. In addition to Old Crumbling Castle, you get Standard-Issue Military Compound That I've Seen in About 800 Other Games, and Eerie Graveyard Filled With Zombies.

Speaking of zombies, Dark Sector features the most piss-poor lot of zombies I have seen in all my days. I love zombies as much as anyone, but these zombies give their kind a bad name. Like everything else in Dark Sector, these zombies gave me no satisfaction. They shamble around, they groan, they try to sound like zombies, but being attacked by them is an annoyance. I've felt more menace from the stroller-wielding moms in my neighborhood than I felt when confronting these zombies.

The game looks marginally better on the Xbox 360 than it does on the PlayStation 3 thanks to the fact that it runs in full 1080p, and because the game borrows so much from Gears of War, the controls felt more familiar to me. Unfortunately, the same exact sluggishness/boringness that plagues and vexes the PS3 version also plagues and vexes the 360 version.

I know that it's hard to make games. I haven't made any games myself, but I'm friends with people who make games. It's hard work. I see the sacrifices they make. I see the love they pour into their projects.

The bottom line here is this: Some people tried to make a good game here, and they did not succeed. They failed.

Despite my hours of trying -- and trust me, I tried like hell to love this game, to give it every break I possibly could; I tried to look past the sluggish controls, past the nonsensical plot, past the fizz-free boss fight; I bought it flowers and chocolates and left little Post-It notes on the mirror in the morning saying "I love you" and "I think you're so awesome" -- in the end, it let me down and broke my heart and kicked me in the teeth for good measure.