Orcs & Elves (DS)

Hack and slash your way through an archetypical faux-3-D dungeon crawler that'll either dazzle or depress with its old-school charm.
1/31/2008 12:00 AM | 0 Comments | Page 1 of 2

To call Orcs & Elves an anomaly would be akin to dismissing Perez Hilton as just another Hollywood parasite. It's an anachronism, an aberration, even an abomination by current gaming standards, harkening back to simpler, less HDTV- and 'MTV Cribs'-ed-out times. To a modern-day player, the adventure -- originally a popular wireless game and the pet project of id Software's technological virtuoso John Carmack (DOOM, Quake) -- will surely stun and confuse, what with its über-archaic trappings. But to anyone who grew up with interactive epics like Eye of the Beholder and Lands of Lore near and dear to their heart, it'll also make for a brief, but satisfyingly teary-eyed trip down memory lane.

First, we should get some critical drubbings out of the way upfront, just so you don't cast side-eyed glances or make unwholesome aspersions on our street cred, young 'un. The game's shockingly simplistic, featuring only one main character (sorry, no party members to collect here beyond a talking wand that is with you from the start), and short on stats beyond base health, damage and magic points, which power weapons such as said chattering stick and mystic hammers. (Although you do collect experience rewards for every kill and possess ratings for strength, defense and other attributes, most are tucked away in infrequentlyvisited menu screens, with the action flowing more naturally through direct visual feedback than pure dice rolls.) Only a limited array of weapons, spells and equipment can be collected to boot, with most doled out at preplanned times based on the designers' deliberate placement of treasure chests and occasional fire portals that transport you to a dragon who doubles as a merchant with whom you can barter.

Despite being presented from a pseudo-3-D perspective, movement is also strictly linear and handled via turn-based, step-by-step progression, with adversaries -- whom you can clearly see approaching -- taking one action for your every move along a virtual grid displayed in the form of claustrophobic stone or earthen corridors. Baddies are further found in short selection (imagine a fairly generic and miniscule list of adversaries from trolls to were-rats, wraiths, double-dog-headed obscenities, spider-like weavers and corpse-eating slimes) and scripted to appear in specific locales. Difficulty is skewed; jumping ranges from too easy to nail-bitingly difficult; and ambushes feature groups of lava beasts or giant centipedes (the majority automatically triggered by fleeing NPCs no less) frequently utilized to purposefully whittle down one's supply of health- or speed-boosting potions, otherwise rapidly amassed during your constant dungeon crawls. Storytelling devices are constrained to occasional scrolls, statue inscriptions and chats with drunken or overzealous ghosts to boot, as you follow a third-grade-level tale about a dwarven stronghold overrun by dark elves and orcs.

Similarly, puzzles amount to little more than boulder-pushing challenges, key/switch-hunts, or searches for combinations to blue, green and red rune doors, unlocked by using the d-pad or stylus to tap in the correct color sequence. Secret doors can be easily spotted as well, letting you effortlessly locate passages deeper into an underground realm that includes catacombs, brimstone pits, magic forges or caches of unguarded treasure. Combat involves endlessly tap-tap-tapping away on buttons or the bottom display, as you watch your sword, crossbow or explosive eggs fly outwards on the top screen towards heavily pixilated and less-than-seriously-depicted baddies (who, for example, suddenly develop giant googly-eyes -- a real hoot to see on an otherwise snarling elemental monster or giant insect -- when a magic ring or especially powerful series of attacks causes them to run in fear). Low-res interstitial sequences, portrayed as non-interactive 3-D movies on the upper portion of your DS, make for clunky transitions between areas, too. And darned if the whole thing doesn't feel like one big adolescent fantasy, what with mandatory drinking of various types of ale -- which amplify your power at the expense of accuracy, and woozy, wavering perspective shifts (you're tipsy -- get it?) -- reinforcing the quest's clich&eacure;d writing and generally juvenile outlook.