Battalion Wars 2 (Wii)

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Being jaded old bastards, we rarely let ourselves get overly giddy around the Crispy Gamer offices. But there are exceptions. Mention Advance Wars or its sequel, or the DS Advance Wars: Dual Strike, around any staff member, and he or she will start gushing like a teenage girl discussing Justin Timberlake's dance moves.

So, in 2005, when Nintendo decided to transform their successful turn-based strategy game -- one of the great handheld games of all time -- into a full-on third-person action console game, instead of crying "Judas!" we crossed our fingers and hoped for the best.

Battalion Wars wasn't a travesty, but it was dangerously close to being one. Nintendo, we figured, would declare this experiment a failure.

But like finding a fly in your soup or a turd in a hat box, Nintendo gifted us with a sequel that we didn't really want, or need. Despite minor improvements here and there, Battalion Wars 2 proves to be yet another extremely pedestrian gaming experience, and beyond that, represents a further besmirching of Advance Wars' good name.

Battalion Wars 2 drops you into the shoes of soldier who, with his oversized helmet and boots, looks like a child wearing adult-sized clothing. The control scheme reminded us of Metroid Prime 3: Corruption: move your soldier via the Nunchuck, aim with the Wii remote, and lock onto targets with the Z button.

As with all Advance Wars/Battalion Wars games, battles are fought between jokey, unlikeable generals, all rendered in the series' trademark caricatures. There's the twee British general with the pin head and pointy mustache; the blockhead American general with the clich&eacure;d gruff manner and wrinkled forehead; the high-collared, off-the-wall, bizarre CO named Admiral A-Quira. You get the idea.

The game involves a wide variety of troop types and vehicles to command. In fact, there's so much to learn -- tanks, planes, and ships all control differently and have their own strengths and weaknesses -- that the game winds up feeling like a 15-hour-long tutorial. The goal is to use the right troops or vehicle for the job and to maximize your effectiveness on the battlefield. Gunships inbound? Order your anti-air vehicle to target and destroy them. Enemies armed with bazookas up ahead? Send in your flame veterans to dispatch them while keeping your more vulnerable troops at a safe distance.

The game allowed us rove ghostlike around the battlefield, meaning that if you're the do-it-yourself type, you can get actually behind the wheel of the anti-air vehicle and destroy those gunships yourself, if that's your thing.

Like Advance Wars, the point of Battalion Wars 2 is to manage your resources in the most efficient manner possible, while minimizing your losses. But what always felt clean and crisp in the turn-based world of Advance Wars winds up feeling messy, chaotic, and brutally frustrating in Battalion Wars 2. Make one mistake -- like sending your bazooka unit to take down incoming aircraft (which, we can attest, will most definitely not work) -- and everything instantly goes haywire. Suddenly, we had no idea who was doing what, or where they were. Instead of feeling like a force to be reckoned with, a dealer of doom, a soldier of fortune, Battalion Wars 2 all too often left us feeling like pre-school teachers on a class trip. Instead of doling out virtual beatings to the opposing army, we were busy doing headcounts of our troops and trying to keep everyone in line and moving in the proper direction.