10 No-Bullshit Rules Parents Should Follow When Buying Videogames for Their Kids: 2009 Edition
Dazed and confused again this holiday season? Follow Jones' 10 simple game-buying rules and you'll be just fine. Promise.
11/19/2009 10:19 AM | 6 Comments | Page 1 of 1
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
Moms, dads: Follow these no-bullshit rules, and your holidays are guaranteed to be a little bit brighter this year.
Rule No. 1: Say these words to yourself before walking into any game store: "The majority of all videogames are just plain awful." Repeat that phrase like a mantra as you wander the aisles. This will remind you that most of what is for sale around you is cleverly packaged trash that will be worthless in about a month. Also: Don't get discouraged. No one said this was going to be easy. But if you follow these 10 rules, your odds of making a sound purchase today go up exponentially.
Rule No. 2: Your kids have lousy taste when it comes to games. Little Jimmy can't distinguish between the crap and the cream when it comes to games. Truth is, kids want the games they want because they've seen those games advertised on television. They'll fill up their wish lists with tripe, because they just don't know any better.
The key: Be smarter than they are. As a parent, educate yourself, do some poking around on the Internet, and preempt those bad choices by looking at stories like
this one. It's tempting to just buy something and be done with this experience. I say: You can do better than that.
Rule No. 3: Do not buy Wii Fit. I said it last year; I'm saying it again this year. No doubt you're thinking,
This is perfect; it combines fitness and gaming. This would make for a truly terrific family gift! Trust me:
Wii Fit -- and its sequel,
Wii Fit Plus, is the videogame equivalent of giving your kids a Bill Blass cardigan. When they open it, they'll smile and feign excitement, but after you go to bed, they'll knock over the Christmas tree and pee in the corners. Don't say I didn't warn you. Same goes for
EA Sports Active (EA) and
Your Shape (Ubisoft).
Rule No. 4: Do not buy mini-game collections. What is a mini-game collection? Close your eyes in the game store, reach blindly toward the Nintendo Wii section, grab almost any game, open your eyes, and chances are good that you're holding a mini-game collection. Recent examples that absolutely must be avoided:
Deca Sports 2 (Hudson Soft),
Wacky World of Sports (Sega) and
Go Play Lumberjacks (Majesco). These discs -- cheap to produce, which is why there's such a proliferation of them these days -- are designed to get four people standing around a TV set as they make lewd hand motions that resemble high-speed self-pleasure. Avoid.
Rule No. 5: Avoid any game that has the word "family" in its title. Examples:
Family Mini Golf (Aksys) and
Family Pirate Party (Aksys). Recognize the packaging for what it is: a cheap wallet-grab. And if you happen to see the words "fun for the whole family" on a game box, act as if the game has just spit hydrochloric acid in your eyes and back away, covering your face while saying the words, "I'm blind! I'm blind!" Other words that should make you suspicious: "Imagine," "Jonas," "Go Play," "Bratz" and "Hannah Montana."
Rule No. 6: Two words that usually guarantee that the game inside is of good quality: "My Sims." Two more words: "Harvest Moon." And still more words: "Ratchet & Clank," "Mario," "Rabbids," "Steven Spielberg," "Buzz!" and "LEGO."
Rule No. 7: The Fine-Print Rule: Get in the habit of sussing out a game's publisher by reading the fine print on the back of a game box. Should you see the following three names anywhere in the fine-print section -- Majesco, Midway or D3 Publisher -- there's a good chance you do not want whatever is inside the box in your home and/or near your family. These three publishers have been flooding the industry with rotten eggs for several years now. I'm also red-flagging Ubisoft for its "Imagine" line of games (
Imagine: Fashion Designer,
Imagine: Babyz,
Imagine: Figure Skater). How about this one, Ubi:
Imagine: Good Games?
Rule No. 8: The Nintendo seal once connoted quality. But that's no longer true. Just because a game box has that shimmering metallic circle that says "Official Nintendo Seal" doesn't necessarily mean that the game inside the box is worth anything. The once-stingy company, which has a history of holding third-party publishers to the highest standards possible and thus staving off a crap-flood not unlike the one that sunk the industry in the early '80s, has abandoned that stance during the Wii generation. Apparently, if you've got a wheelbarrow filled with cash, you're worthy of a Nintendo seal for your upcoming release of
Nut Hunt 2: Harry's Hairy Adventure.
Rule No. 9: Steer clear of any videogame that pluralizes its title with a "z" instead of an "s." Example:
Droplitz (Atlus). Another example:
Imagine: Babyz (Ubisoft). And still another example:
ColorZ (Exkee). And one more, just for good measure:
Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast (Namco Bandai). There seems to be a direct correlation between this spelling tic and poor quality. Avoid at all costs.
Rule No. 10: Finally, never rely solely on the advice of store employees. I spend a lot of time in game stores. I can't tell you the number of times I've overheard store employees give non-gaming parents lousy recommendations. I've seen people walk out of game stores having 1) wasted their money and 2) purchased something that their kids will either a) hate immediately or b) hate in approximately 20 minutes. Empower yourself. Do your homework. Check out Crispy Gamer's "Buy It" choices in our
GameFinder. Believe me when I say that it doesn't take much effort to make yourself the smartest person in the game store.
Want some more great gift ideas? Check out these Crispy Gamer features:
