The Five: Xbox 360 Dashboard Update
While Sony continues to ponder how exactly this Internet thing fits into the "digital lifestyle" and Nintendo dreams up wacky new questions for the Everybody Votes channel, Microsoft is adding a slew of features to the only online console dashboard that people actually use.
Microsoft's approach has always been to try as many ideas as possible on the Xbox platform. For each feature, their attitude is, "If you like it, great. If not, here's something else." Last week, I had some hands-on time with the crap they're throwing at the wall for the Autumn 2009 dashboard upgrade. Let's see what sticks.
1. The 360 controller chatpad just became somewhat more useful. Twitter comes to the Xbox! If this doesn't get your local newspaper's editorial cartoonist up in arms about Goddamn Short-Attention-Span Generation Y, nothing will. You can read tweets, browse popular hashtags, and so on. All the Twitter basics.
Then there is the matter of posting your own tweets. Neither Jones nor I have the little keyboard that clips onto the 360 controller, so we're forced to use the "not quite as awful as the PSP's!" on-screen keyboard. We've fallen into a tradition of concluding Xbox Live text messages to each other with the amount of time it took to type the message. This leads to missives like "Hi (15 min)." Suffice to say, you may want to invest in a chatpad to use this feature.
2. The Twitter thing is kinda crippled, though. The Xbox 360 is the only platform to which Microsoft hasn't ported an atrocious version of Internet Explorer, so it has no Web browser. This means you can't follow links from tweets, which will make it extra-frustrating when your buddy tweets something along the lines of, "Um ... wow. http://bit.ly/qxy40g" By the way, if you are one of those people who tweets things like "Um ... wow" with a link, kindly murder yourself.
3. Facebook integration gets you so close to your friends that it's illegal in some jurisdictions. I know that it is my job to gather information and inform the readers, but I tried my best, and I still have only the vaguest idea how this Facebook stuff is going to work on the 360. It's, like, wicked confusing. Here's what I was able to discern after asking a lot of questions, many of them twice, at the Microsoft event last week. You'll link your Facebook account to your Gamertag. Then you'll be able to see Facebook friends who have also linked their Gamertags. Then you can friend your friends on Xbox Live. Then a space-time paradox will form and the universe will collapse in on itself.
You will also be able to put Achievements and screenshots from certain games on your Facebook Wall, although the Microsoft PR person I spoke to was very careful to note that your Xbox won't start posting stuff on your profile willy-nilly. You'll always be in the driver's seat. And you can view your friends' photo albums on your TV, something nobody has ever wanted to do in the history of the world.
4. There is now such a thing as the Xbox Zune Video Marketplace. Look, guys, the Zune has endured a lot of wisecracks. It's the laughingstock of the technology world. But the truth is, it's actually a terrible product that deserves every joke made at its expense. So joke away! Now there's a Zune store on the Xbox! Very exciting for all three of the Zune users on Earth, am I right?! Hahaha! Hey, look over there, a dead Zune horse! Let's beat it! Wheeeee!
Hoo boy. A little out of breath. Whew. OK. So, the deal is that you can buy or rent high-definition, 1080p movies in this store, and yes, it does have the Zune brand, so it will probably be terrible somehow. But it does do one very cool thing. See, streaming 1080p video takes a lot of bandwidth. If for some reason your Internet connection degrades while you're watching an HD movie from the Zune store, the 360 will adjust the quality of the stream on the fly. It won't bring up an annoying dialog box like Netflix streaming often does. The Zune Marketplace software readjusts to higher quality if your connection improves again (something I thought the Netflix software never did until I was lovingly corrected in the comments). Neato keen.
5. Avatars are getting more clothing, but STILL NO SCARVES. Microsoft is adding more choices for avatar clothing, inviting you to live out your sartorial fantasies by way of your knockoff Mii. In particular, they're adding a lot of game tie-in wardrobes, like Mass Effect-themed clothes, in case your fantasy is to look like a huge dork. "And of course there will be scarves, right?" I asked the Microsoft PR rep. Obvious question, but she was confused -- can you imagine! -- and said that she didn't think there were ANY scarves on the service.
I took the controller and spent the next five minutes scouring the beta for scarves. It is almost winter, folks. That means it's scarf time, and I am terribly excited -- at least I would be, if I could buy a goddamn scarf for my little Xbox person. But the PR lady was right; I was out of luck. The "Pants with Belt and Scarf" outfit is the closest I came. No, Microsoft, a thousand times no. That is not where a scarf goes.
The Crispy Forecast: Seriously! No scarves, what the hell. Oh, it's a new paragraph now. Right, the forecast. There are a lot of features here, so I'll break it down.
Twitter: Looks nice, but broken links are a big strike against it.
Facebook: A sensible way to reconnect with friends, and it's careful not to be too intrusive.
Zune Store: Decent for impulse buys, smarter streaming than Netflix, pfffbwahaha Zune!
Avatars: Cold necks.
Scuttlebutt is that you should expect the update in mid-November or thereabouts.
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