Playing Blue
When games in the arcades gave players a meager platform for self-expression on the high-score entry prompt, gamers exploited that precious space -- inputting initials like HIV or POO. And in the week following the release of Scribblenauts, there already was a "controversy" about the word "sambo" in its 22,802-word dictionary, which produces a watermelon on the screen.
But as games have gotten more sophisticated and allowed more direct input from the player, so has the testing of boundaries. Since videogames don't yet possess the ability to wash out your mouth with soap, forward-thinking developers have long planted Easter eggs to scold the most desperately foulmouthed of gamers.
Valkyrie 17 (1984)
The slap on the wrist: This ski resort rife with secret agents takes itself very seriously. Unlike other text adventures, Valkyrie 17 doesn't mess around with repeated profanities -- it'll reset your game instantly, without warning. When you embark on the adventure again, it ominously says, "Next time's for real."
The moral: Respect your game, and it'll respect you. Valkyrie 17, which earnestly asks whether you're playing a pirated copy, has a lofty code of conduct. Confess your wrongdoing, and it triggers the same response as entering a swear. Why the game isn't smart enough to recognize bad words being used in complete sentences is another mystery altogether.
Space Quest (1986-1995)
The slap on the wrist: Intergalactic janitor Roger Wilco has always been a hapless underdog, so he has the right to let a few choice words fly. But entering classic cusses like "f***" or "shit" turns Space Quest into Warp-Speed School Marm: The original game slaps you with "A mind is a terrible thing to waste," while the sequel brings out the big guns with "Would your mother want to hear you say that?"
The moral: In space, no one can hear you cuss. Like your mom, Space Quest will give you bonus points for doing the right thing, remind you of death's inevitability at every turn, and will never let it go if you forgot to pick up that ID card about 30 screens back. Fortunately, if you know more swear words than the average sixth grader, it won't matter: Most of the words we all take for granted aren't comprehended by Space Quest.
Beyond Zork (1987)
The slap on the wrist: One of the last official entries in the beloved text-adventure series spiced up the quest with role-playing elements like character stats and the ability to level up. But no matter how high your Luck, Beyond Zork had no tolerance for foul language, and now had the means to punish you for using it -- instantly docking you an Intelligence point with an unforgiving "You suddenly feel less intelligent" even for a word as innocent as "damn."
The moral: Did you know that some words actually make you stupider? On the surface, Beyond Zork is a deeply engrossing text adventure, but inside beats the heart of a preachy smart-ass: Use the word "longsword," not "shit," to defeat your enemies.
Seaman (1999)
The slap on the wrist: Leonard Nimoy's turn as narrator for this amphibian/human/pet simulator somehow wasn't the strangest part of Seaman. As your fishy friends with alarmingly human faces progress in their life cycle, they hold bizarre and captivating conversations with you. It's easy to get fed up with the little buggers, though, and the crotchety critters don't appreciate being cussed at. Tell them to "f*** off" and you'll be scolded with "Hey, watch the F-word, airsucker" or "Thanks, I'm not interested." Say "shit" into the microphone, and they'll use their antenna to fling a chunky brown mound at your side of the aquarium.
The moral: As a new pet owner, your responsibilities should include feeding your Seamen, turning on the light for them in the morning, and then cranking up the heater so they're comfortable. Poisoning their budding minds will only alienate your creepy babies further. On the other hand, your little ones can dish it out as well as they can take it: Mispronounce "seaman," and they'll remind you smarmily that, "If my name was semen I wouldn't be swimming in this tank -- I'd be swimming in your mama." Ouch.
Spider-Man (2001)
The slap on the wrist: As Spidey's uncle once said, "With great power comes great responsibility," and there's definitely no way Peter Parker would allow anyone to enter naughty words into his Dreamcast game. From the "Special" option on the menu, select "Cheats." Once there, you can enter any eight-letter word that comes to mind -- but try to sneak a swearword past the Web-slinger and he'll emerge from the bottom of the screen and smack it in the name of all that's decent.
The moral: A superhero's work is never done. It hasn't shown up in the comics much, but it'd be worth exploring whether it's the human side or the radioactive-spider side of Peter Parker that makes him detest expletives with such force. (Here's hoping it's the spider.)
Fable (2004)
The slap on the wrist: In Albion, you can choose to be good or evil, and nowhere was this more present than in the first Fable game's "find the archaeologist" quest. After warping to Witchwood, head for the four large stones in the area. You're supposed to hit each stone to spell out "hits" -- but spell out "shit," and you'll be greeted by a pack of bloodthirsty Balverines.
The moral: Persistence is the key. Spell out "shit" again after vanquishing the Balverines, and Fable rewards you by saying the word aloud, albeit very nonchalantly.
LifeLine: Voice Action Adventure (2004)
The slap on the wrist: LifeLine traps you inside a "security monitoring room" on Christmas Eve in 2029 after a mysterious mishap during the grand opening of the Japan Space Station Hotel. Your only hope for survival is by communicating with Rio, a hotel employee who can hear you over the intercom. But, as the voice recognition is terribly inept, you'll inevitably want to blow off some steam at her. "F*** you" results with Rio shooting back, "The feeling's mutual, dude."
The moral: The more direct approach is the way to a woman's heart, and talking dirty to Rio elicits some amusing putdowns. Rio swats away advances like "Will you have sex with me?" or "I'm so horny" with a simple "Let's figure a way out of here first, Casanova." The more desperate "Take off your clothes" will be rejected with a "Not in your lifetime." But ask her to bark like a dog and she's totally onboard -- Rio will bark like a little dog and a big dog. Yay?
Animal Crossing: Wild World (2005)
The slap on the wrist: Unlike its predecessor, Animal Crossing: Wild World takes on a decided Big Brother tone when you want to send letters to your fellow townsfolk. Salty messages or announcements posted in the town square read like redacted government memos once you're done, as the game substitutes the handful of swears it knows with an even more threatening series of underscores.
The moral: If you're that upset with the world, then maybe you don't deserve to be heard at all. The responses you get back indicate the recipients aren't paying very close attention to their correspondences. Here's a response from a neighbor to a missive positively dripping with anatomical impossibilities: "I was pumped to get your letter! Here's my opinion. I'd never say this to your face, but you're cool. I'm on fire! Buck." How is this better than real life, exactly?
Scribblenauts (2009)
The slap on the wrist: Leading up to Scribblenauts' release, message boards were atwitter with heated discussions about whether the childish-looking game could produce boobs, heaps of shit, or horny sluts. Flicking the game on for the first time or flipping through the manual provided this splash of cold water: "The game won't recognize words that are copyrighted, vulgar or inappropriate, so be sure to keep it clean, everyone!"
The moral: Don't limit your imagination! Enterprising profanity lovers will just have to be a bit more resourceful in Scribblenauts. Believe that "piss soda" bottle is really filled with urine and brown dye, and you're well on your way.
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