The 11 Sports That Got Edited Out of Wii Sports Resort
(Contributor: M. Moleington III)
In our ongoing quest to win our industry's never-ending, spiritually exhausting, and really kind of silly WE WERE FIRST TO REPORT THIS SUCK IT EVERYONE ELSE WOOOOOO PWNED game, Crispy Gamer recently hired a Mole to infiltrate the mighty Nintendo empire.
This Mole didn't come cheap. After four months of sending us expense reports that consisted almost entirely of vague entries like "Natural Medicines ... $182," "Extra Blankets ... $441," "ChapStick ... $106" and "Bees ... $14," our investment, it seems, has finally paid off.
The Mole located several internal e-mail exchanges that revealed a list of the tropical-themed mini-games that were excised from Wii Sports Resort. This information is entirely exclusive to Crispy Gamer. Which is our way of saying WOOOO PWNED SUCK IT EVERYONE ELSE PWNED PNWED.
11. The sport: Marco Polo
How it works: The old swimming-pool chestnut gets a virtual reboot. The gamer selects his Mii, then dives into the shallow end of the resort pool. Hold the Wii Remote perpendicular to your television screen. Use a downward plunging motion to submerge your Mii. Then: Listen carefully. When you hear the word "Marco" coming from the tinny speaker on the Wii Remote, quickly lift the Wii Remote upward to bring your Mii to the surface. Once he has surfaced, the response "Polo" will be issued. Also available in split-screen multiplayer.
10. The sport: Let's See Who Can Hold His Breath Underwater the Longest
How it works: Another swimming-pool chestnut. Gamers can challenge up to three other Miis or, better still, B-level Nintendo characters like Lakitu and Toad to see who has the most lung capacity. But keep an eye on your Mii's face. If he should turn blue, that means that videogame death is imminent. Losers slowly float to the surface where the paramedic Miis can collect them. Winners get to sit on the bottom of the pool and gloat.
9. The sport: Tetherball Prime
How it works: Toss the "ball" into the air, then swing the Wii Remote to the side to get the tethered ball moving around the pole toward your opponent. Use the Z button to duck incoming returns; the C button pulls off reversals, but the timing -- as it is in the real game -- is tricky. The game features a clever multiplier system; any ball that smacks the opposing Mii in the face not only leaves a big, painful-looking pink mark on his visage for the duration of the game, it also triples your score.
8. The sport: Nude Beach Challenge
How it works: This on-rails peeper shuttles happy gamers through the underbrush near the Resort's nude beach. Hold the Wii Remote to your face like a pair of binoculars. When you spot a topless bather, press the A button to zoom in for a closer look. But look out for the security guard! If he spots you, you and your Mii will be dragged back to the Resort's security office. From there, your Mii's parents will be phoned.
7. The sport: Locate the Best Jet in the Hot Tub
How it works: By tilting the Wii Remote, you shift your submerged Mii's hips from side to side. Once you've located the Oh-God-That's-Good Zone, a series of increasingly difficult button-presses appears on the screen. Z, A, left, left, Z, B, etc. are needed to keep your Mii in the Oh-God-That's-Good Zone and maximize your final score.
6. The sport: Fancy Dinner-Ruiner Deluxe
How it works: Your Mii has to wear a clip-on tie and is told to behave for the duration of this "adult dinner" at the Resort's seafood restaurant. Your father Mii says, "Try not to embarrass us for once." Pretend to knock over your Coke with a quick jerk of the Wii Remote. The idea here is not to create chaos immediately and ruin the dinner too soon. Target specific items on the table, and work on getting your parents' Annoyed Meter into the Rage Zone. Pro Tip: Shaking the Wii Remote vigorously will make your Mii spit up whatever he has just put into his mouth.
5. The sport: Old Aunt Water Splash
How it works: Your mom's spinster sister has decided to tag along on your family vacation this year. She lies by the pool all day in her far-too-revealing bikini and reads issues of Star magazine. Your parents have put her in charge of you while they enjoy a couples massage together. Your aunt hates you; you hate her. From your in-the-water vantage point, use the Wii Remote to splash water on your aunt. When she says the words, "If you get water in my $28 permanent, so help me god, young man," you know you are on the right track. Aim carefully! You receive bonus points for dousing her cigarette.
4. The sport: Five-Finger Fillet
How it works: Place the palm of your hand flat against the table in front of you and splay open your fingers. Hold the Wii Remote in an upright position, as if it were a Bowie knife so sharp you could shave hair with it. Outside your thumb is position one; outside your pinkie finger is position six. Beginning at position one, per the on-screen prompts, tap the Wii Remote between your fingers in rapid succession: 1-2-3-4-5-6-5-4-3-2-1 and repeat.
3. The sport: Reggie's Head Kart Racing
How it works: Nintendo bigwig Reggie Fils-Aime's head has gotten so big that it fell off of his body and rolled away! OH NO! Using the control stick on the Nunchuk, "drive" Reggie's head around the Wii Sports Resort racetrack at incredible speeds, in a quest to win races against other Miis. Includes online play, so that Reggie Heads from around the world can race together to earn bragging rights for the title of "Fastest Reggie Head."
2. The sport: Score a Dime Bag From the Bellhop
How it works: The shifty bellhop has been "psssting" you since you and your parents checked into the Resort. Head down to the lobby, stand near the bellhop, and hold the A and B buttons at the same time. When the bellhop heads through a nearby service entrance, follow him using the control stick. Once you are in the bowels of the Resort, you'll discover a maze filled with dangers and obstacles. Hide whenever rats or other staff members are near, or whenever you see Reggie's Head patrolling the hallways. The quicker you complete the Resort Bowels Maze, the more "generous" the drug-dealing bellhop will be with you. Solve the maze in record time, and a mini-game is launched that allows you to smoke a virtual joint (hold Wii Remote to lips; pass right to left) with his bellhop friends.
1. The sport: Find the Spoiled Items on the Seafood Buffet
How it works: Look at this bountiful food! There are piles of it! Joy! But, as anyone who has ever gotten sick from a buffet (and wound up spending the night on the can reading the back of a shampoo bottle over and over and over again) knows, buffets are also hot zones for bacteria, spoiled food and possibly even little bugs. The object of this game is to use your Mii's virtual "nose" (hold B down to inhale) to gauge whether or not anything is wrong with tonight's Seafood Paella. A meter appears on-screen; if the readings are in the Stink Zone, you'll need to press the A button to pull out your magnifying glass. Move the magnifying glass around the screen using motion controls. If you still can't deduce whether or not the Seafood Paella is spoiled, you can always take the more conservative route and wait for other Miis to eat from it, then gauge their behaviors. If they turn yellow and run out of the restaurant like Satan himself is chasing them, then you've located the Spoiled Item. Congratulations! You're a winner!
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