An Open Letter to Sony
Even though you're getting knocked around like a sapling in a windstorm, we're still rooting like crazed futbol fans for you. Here's why.
7/1/2009 8:43 AM | 9 Comments | Page 2 of 2
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
We were sure of it: This was the turning of the tide. We could feel it: the old Sony confidence coming back! It was like watching Brett Favre or Cher come out of retirement; we braced ourselves for a new Golden Age. So what if a few of your tent-pole titles turned out to be duds?
Warhawk and
Lair? We hardly knew you. "OK, fine," we said. "Every system has its share of first-generation duds. And the PS3 is still young. It has so much potential."
And then along came those 10-, 20-, even 30-minute mandatory installs to the hard drive. A collective "WTF" was issued by the press. Developers defended themselves by proclaiming the PS3 a difficult machine to program.
The tankards of celebratory mead were hauled away. Cue: darkness and suffering.
"
Home"? It was a punch line at inception. Now, years in development, it's become a reluctant metaphor for all of your woes: You've spent millions -- billions, even -- creating something that no one wants; you've conjured a world that no one with a discerning bone in his body wants to inhabit.
Your latest hotfoot: The PSP Go. Another punch line at inception. I don't even know what to say about this one, Sony. $250? For this? I mean, honestly, I'm speechless. I'm ... I'm just going to grab a pillow and punch it for the next eight minutes.
OK, back. All of this is to say, we sorely miss your old swagger. We thought we wanted Nintendo to rule again. What a mistake we made. What a terrible, terrible mistake. We can't go to a press event or industry gathering now without being overwhelmed with Nintendo's attitude. We've created a monster -- one that makes our parents buy Wiis for themselves and barrages us with charts and graphs to remind us how awesome they are.
We need you to get back on your feet, Sony; to sober up -- here, drink this strong cup of coffee -- and dust yourself off. And we need you to deliver a shoelaces-to-chin uppercut to Nintendo.
We thought we were tired of your extravagant E3 parties. Wrong again. We miss how you once threw money around like it was water and you were surrounded by many rings of fire. We miss going out to the Dodger Stadium parking lot and eating big pieces of prime rib on tiny paper plates, guzzling Patron, and then using those awesome Port-O-Potties. (The best Port-O-Potties money could buy. They even had
running water. Posh.) Then, at the end of the night, you'd shuttle us back to our crappy hotels like sleepy, overfed, drunken children, our complimentary Sony duffel bags sitting in our laps.
It was like Hollywood in the '40s! Or New York in the '80s! It was an era, man. More importantly, it was an era defined by you. You owned this industry back then. PWNED it, even.
It's time to rise from your grave. Take back what is yours. Bare your fangs. We know you have them.
Fight, damn it, fight!
To quote the Pulitzer Prize-winning poet known as Megan Fox in "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen": "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Sincerely,
Scott Jones, Crispy Gamer
