The Rules of Gaming: The Crispy Rulebook, Vol. 1
6/23/2009 7:21 AM | 22 Comments | Page 1 of 1
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
(Contributors: Evan Narcisse and John Teti)
Many hundreds of years ago, a wise, old, long-bearded gamer once said to a younger, more naive, beardless gamer, "Thou art doing it wrong." That phrase has recently enjoyed a renaissance in the Crispy Gamer comment threads, thanks to long-bearded Game Truster
Gus Mastrapa and commenter w1ndstorm. The 21st-century version of the phrase is, of course: "You are doing it wrong."
What that old gamer was attempting to convey to the young gamer was that the young gamer's approach to gaming was inherently misguided. All forms of gaming have a value system. But that value system is not always self-evident. And, to not abide by said value system results in -- you guessed it -- "doing it wrong."
And lo, the Crispy Rulebook is born. Picking up a controller for the first time? These rules will save you years of embarrassment/doing it wrong. A weathered old sea salt of a gamer who's logged thousands of gaming hours? You too could likely use a bit of clarity. Eyes forward, open your textbooks to page 101, and spit out that chewing gum unless you brought enough for the entire class. It's time to go back to school.
Don't call us. We'll call you.
1.
The Xbox Live relationship is a sacred relationship. Most gamers are not chomping at the bit to play co-op with you 24/7. Stop assuming as much. "Watching a DVD" means "Watching a DVD." It does not translate to "I'm just passing the time until you set up a mind-blowing
Left 4 Dead party and invite me."
2.
Your Madden glory stories must be kept to yourself -- no exceptions. No one cares if you were down four points going into the fourth quarter against the Dolphins and blah blah blah. Take it to your grave, and tell St. Peter when you get to the other side.
You're only fooling yourself, lady.
3.
Videogames are not an acceptable substitute for exercise. Don't come crying to us six months from now when opening the fridge is an act that still causes wheezing/shortness of breath. You want results? Strap the Wii Balance Board to your back and jog around the Dairy Queen a few times.
4.
Only fools and sub-normals pre-order games. If you find yourself in a GameStop -- face it, sometimes it's inevitable -- and the slack-jawed clerk asks if you would like to preorder
Fart Karts 2: Xtreme Farting, the only reasonable response to this question is, "When I was a child my neighbor killed my family's dog by putting broken glass inside a raw hamburger patty. You remind me a lot of my neighbor."
5.
All consoles are created equal. Except for the Nintendo Wii, which is about as powerful as two D cell batteries strapped to a stale bagel. Well, it's true.
Here's a level I built that's based on my painful, sex-free adolescence. Yay!
6.
Custom-built levels/mods are only interesting to you (and maybe your mom). No one is interested in playing your Dr. Who-themed
LittleBigPlanet level. You can stop building it now. We said "now."
7.
There is a strict five-minute time limit on customizing your character. The eyebrows look fine. They're fine! And that +4 shield is terribly flattering. Now start the goddamn game already.
8.
Boobs made of polygons are not the least bit titillating. If you find Lara Croft's virtual mamms, um, moving, put down the controller and seek the guidance of a licensed psychotherapist immediately. And, while we're on the subject, actual breasts do not feel like "bags of sand." In case you were curious.
Congratulations. You've won nothing!!!!!1
9.
The term "Achievement points" must always be viewed as ironic. No sane, mature gamer cares about Achievement points. (And sane, mature gamers care even less about PSN Trophies.) In fact, researchers have actually found that the lower your Gamerscore, the more times a week said person has sexual relations involving another living, breathing human being.
10.
The term "waggle" must never be used in public. Or in private, for that matter. "Waggle" was originally intended as a pejorative for the Wii's motion controls that manage to make everyone appear to be engaged in a bout of high-speed (and possibly angry) self-pleasure. Somehow the term crept into the vernacular, and now everyone uses it
ad nauseam. What we're trying to say is simply this: If you feel the urge to use the word "waggle," lift up your left foot and lower it at a high rate of speed onto your right foot several times. This is currently the only known cure for making that urge go away.
[Editor's note: Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more installments of the Crispy Rulebook.]
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