Crispy Gamer

Father's Day FTW: Daddy's Little Helpers

It's a bit of a clich?, but every dad is someone's hero. And, of course, heroes fight battles, even if they are only against crabgrass, parking tickets or culinary shortcomings. It's a common convention that lead characters in videogames get power-ups to help them achieve certain tasks. Here's a bunch that would make any paterfamilias' game of life a whole lot easier.

Father's Day Power-Ups

1. Starman invincibility (Super Mario Bros.)

Why Dad needs it: Sometimes the kid bullying your child may be carrying on the family tradition. In case the father of the playground tyrant is actually tougher than you, you'll need an edge. Not being able to get hurt would also help when putting together IKEA furniture (everybody hates splinters, right?) or when one of your kids' "playful" kicks misses the legs and goes straight up in-between them. We've all seen enough YouTube videos to know that it happens.

Be careful to? schedule your imperviousness accordingly. Invincibility always wears off.

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Father's Day Power-Ups

2. The Sands of Time (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time)

Why Dad needs it: Most modern dads know that there are never enough hours in the day. From early-morning wake-ups to school drop-offs to extracurricular activities to bedtime stories, it's a miracle you're even reading this article. With the ability to rewind, freeze, and fast-forward the clock, the time-controlling granules from 2004's Prince of Persia game would ensure that you get enough time to play the 2008 Prince of Persia, and any others you want.

Be careful to? use it wisely. You only get so much magic sand, and Home Depot can't special-order it for you.

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Father's Day Power-Ups

3. Boost strips (Racing games)

Why Dad needs them: They're those sometimes-glowing stretches of asphalt seen in the WipEout series and tons of other kart racing games. You know how they work: Drive over them and get a temporary momentum boost that gets you back into competition. In the real world, boost strips would make it possible to both pick up the wife's dry cleaning and get your future Cooperstown candidate to batting practice in the wee amount of time allotted.

Be careful to? watch those turns. That minivan of yours might find the freeway off-ramps a bit challenging at 300 mph.

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Father's Day Power-Ups

4. Laser Microphone (Splinter Cell series)

Why Dad needs it: It's been a part of Sam Fisher's kit for years now, and if you've got prevaricating pubescents in the household, you'll need it too. Forget the whole drinking-glass-against-the-door thing. When you suspect that house parties or other such shenanigans will be held during your impending vacation, you can stealthily use this high-tech listening device to confirm and later thwart such plans. Homestead security depends on it.

Be careful to? not overhear things you don't want to know. Making sure the teenagers won't be in over their heads during the weekend's parties is one thing; finding out who gave who mono is entirely another.

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Father's Day Power-Ups

5. Incinerate plasmid (BioShock)

Why Dad needs it: Calm down, calm down. The intention here isn't to broil anybody alive. You've got more practical concerns in mind. One little injection of a pyrokinetic genetic catalyst, and your winter heating bills will worry you no more. How about perfectly cooked steaks for the rest of everyone's lives? We thought you'd like the sound of that. Anyone need some welding done?

Be careful to? watch where you point. The neighbors may say you're even-tempered, but finding their prized poodle slightly singed may change their tune.

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Most children love to play with their dads. And our dads are the greatest person in our lives, and so we must honor them. - James Stuckey

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