The Crispy Awards: E3 2009 Edition

6/11/2009 11:07 AM | 7 Comments | Page 1 of 2

(Contributors: Scott Jones, Gus Mastrapa, Evan Narcisse, John Teti, William Abner, John Keefer, Ryan Kuo, Kyle Orland)

Mama always said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." But Mama drank a lot of chardonnay from a box. And she got all of her sayings from back issues of Reader's Digest. And, as any fool who made it past the fourth grade knows, all that really matters in a more global, existential sense is who wins.

Which brings us to the Crispy Awards: E3 2009 Edition. (In case you're curious, here are last year's awards.) The Game Trust saw about one bazillion games last week. Some of those games -- a full week later -- are still stuck in our craws. They haunt us, the way that Kathy Griffin haunts our televisions. (Exorcist doesn't work; we tried that.) Still, other games magically, mysteriously vaporized from our gray matter only seconds after the demos were over.

What is it about these games that stay with us?

Well, of course, they are the games that are worthy of the spotlight, a statue and a complimentary stay in a Catskills resort. They are the best and brightest games of E3. After a great deal of consideration, and far too many rounds of drawing Pac-Man shapes in the foamy tops of our pints, here are Crispy Gamer's E3 2009 Awards. (Psst! Hugh Jackman: That's your cue to perform your cloying, overwrought song/dance number.) Enjoy.


Best Xbox 360 Game: Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction

All the runners-up you see down below? We knew those games would be good. But if you told us before the show that the words "Splinter Cell" would be uttered by any member of the Game Trust? We would have had you committed to Arkham Asylum.

(Runners-up: Brütal Legend, Final Fantasy XIII, Left 4 Dead 2, Mass Effect 2, The Beatles: Rock Band)


Best PlayStation 3 Game: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

It should have been Kratos' show. (We picture the old bald-headed bastard somewhere in a hotel room, pulling the wings off flies.) Instead, it's Nathan Drake's this-freaking-building-is-falling-down-around-meeeee demo that's indelibly etched into our admittedly soft brains. Can a "Kratos Meets Nathan" game be far behind? Stay tuned, true believers.

(Runners-up: Heavy Rain, Mod Nation Racers, God of War III)


Best Nintendo Wii Game: The Conduit

New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a nice bit of fan service. And Red Steel 2 actually did not look completely awful. But The Conduit gets the nod, mostly because we're weary of hearing about it, and we'd like it to come out already. Ship it already, Sega, so we can get on with our damn lives.

(Runners-up: Shiren the Wanderer, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Red Steel 2)


Best PC Game: Mass Effect 2

BioWare: How you toy and tease! Is Commander Shepard dead? Alive? In a coma? BioWare games are the soap operas of the medium. And this, folks, is our "Who Shot J.R." moment. As Evan Narcisse says, Mass Effect 2 is "The Empire Strikes Back" crossed with "The Dirty Dozen." And yes, we're fully aware that the game will also ship for the 360. But to play it the way it's meant to be played, you need an old-fashioned mouse and keyboard, and the intimacy of a PC.

(Runners-up: Left 4 Dead 2, Dragon Age: Origins, Mafia II, APB, Star Wars: The Old Republic)


Best Nintendo DS Game: Scribblenauts

It's not easy stealing the show from a cel-shaded Link driving around a cute little train in all of his elfin glory. But that's exactly what the inventive, cerebral Scribblenauts did.

(Runner-up: The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks)




Best PSP Game: LittleBigPlanet

Media Molecule's nifty do-it-yourself side-scroller feels right at home on the PSP. In fact, if anything, the PSP feels -- at least symbolically -- like a more appropriate platform for a game that celebrates little creatures accomplishing big things.

(Runners-up: Gran Turismo, Soulcalibur: Broken Destiny)


Most Innovative Game: Heavy Rain

Love it or hate it, you have to give Quantic Dream credit for bucking the status quo and trying something a little different. Yes, the controls are f***ing obtuse. Yes, the Quick Time Events are annoyingly too quick. But in a medium where we are overwhelmed with tripe like the insipid, never-ending Dynasty Warriors series (which apparently reproduces faster than rabbits do), this is exactly the kind of risk-taking we'd like to see more of.

(Runners-up: Scribblenauts, Split/Second, Mod Nation Racers)


Most Improved Game: Dragon Age: Origins

Sure, this game has been in development since -- no joke -- 2004. And one of the star characters in the game is named Duncan. (Yes, Duncan.) And despite the inevitable we're-so-over-Tolkien-and-Orcs-and-all-the-other-B.S. backlash, the game is finally -- finally! -- starting to come together in impressive fashion.

(Runners-up: The Agency, Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction, Fat Princess, Madden NFL 10)

Read on for Biggest Disappointments and Best Overall Game.