Crispy Gamer's E3 2009 Unawards
(Contributors: Kyle Orland, Evan Narcisse)
We saw many funny, silly, surreal things at last week's E3. In fact, some of those funny, silly, surreal things were actually us. After processing everything over the weekend and letting our rum hangovers fade, we'd like to hand out a round of unconventional awards for all of those small, unrecognized moments that may have passed most of you by last week.
Without further ado, here are CG's E3 2009 Unwards. Ladies and gentlemen: Give them all a nice round of un-applause, will you? You are all un-winners!!!!
STFU Addendum Award
James Cameron at the Ubisoft presser. Good to see you, King of the World! But gassing on for 20 minutes like an old woman at a sewing bee? The words "hard to watch" come to mind.
The Absurdly High Damage Award
Tie: Bayonetta (880 megatons); Tatsunoku vs. Capcom (4.77 billion damage).
We Don't Need No Stinking Cut Scenes Award
Those nifty wall projections in Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Conviction.
If You're Going to Make Your Protagonist a Writer, At Least Make the Writing in Your Game Decent Award
Alan Wake. Honestly, we haven't seen this much bad writing since the last Cinemax movie we watched.
Bravissimo! The Ironic Applause Award
Tie: Sony's and EA's press conferences. Audiences applauded with overenthusiastic vigor whenever some silly Hannah Montana bundle, pink PSP or new tween-centric game was demoed.
The Cocoanut Grove Redux Award
EA's booth, whenever the Star Wars: The Old Republic trailer was shown. Convention-goers would stop and clog the aisles to the point where security would push its way through to create fire-evacuation lanes.
Where's The Freaking Love Award
Mario & Sonic at the Winter Olympic Games. Orland explains: "I never saw anyone except Sega employees actually playing this game."
One Is the Loneliest Number Award
The sight of a journalist filming himself solo as he reports "live" from E3 2009 is a sight that inevitably sends us into a downward-spiraling depression.
Best Pac-Man Shape in Beer Foam Award
Game Truster Troy Goodfellow wins, uncontested.
Oh No One Knows What Goes On Behind Closed Doors Award
Project Natal. Jones explains: "I was told by Microsoft that they were only showing it to 'E3 judges and celebrities.' Here's hoping Verne Troyer enjoyed meeting Milo."
Don't Quit Your Paper Route Just Yet Award
R.U.S.E., or Ubisoft's ambitious touch table showing its latest real-time strategy game. That table, according to Orland, will retail for around 15,000 Euros.
Best Line From Any Press Conference Award
Joel McHale of "Talk Soup" at the Ubisoft presser, and his constant riffs on how much he hates Ryan Seacrest. When a Rabbid came onto the stage pushing another Rabbid in a giant shopping cart, McHale said: "Hey, where did you guys get Ryan Seacrest's car?"
If We Shoot It, They Will Watch Award
Camera crews coupled with pretty girls holding microphones and talking about videogames were ubiquitous this year.
Most Improved Press Conference Host Award
Jack Tretton, Sony. Jack seemed much more comfortable up there this year than he did last year, when he appeared to sweat like Albert Brooks in his famous scene from "Broadcast News."
Now That's a Tough Act to Follow Award
Following Tim Schafer's dynamic Brütal Legend demo at EA's presser with Crytek's "We have absolutely nothing to show you except this large screen with the word Crytek on it" moment was an example of how not to pace your press conference. We've said it before and we'll say it again: Put the interesting stuff after the boring stuff.
Viva the Italian Renaissance Award
Tie: Dante's Inferno and Assassin's Creed II.
The Ryan Kuo "If I Wanted to Look at This Crap, I Would Have Stayed in Med School" Award
Tie: Dante's Inferno and God of War III. Both games featured graphic inside-out moments that would make any non-gamer dry-heave.
No One Loves You, You Are Ugly, Please Go Away Now Award
No One Is Safe, Not Even the Star of This Game Award
Tie: Mass Effect 2 and Heavy Rain.
Let's See, Things to Do: See Scribblenauts Demo, Go to Tony Hawk Autograph Signing, Take Big Poop at E3 Award
Blame it on the excitement, their travel schedules or their poor diets, but more than a few E3 goers were a little too comfortable in the L.A. Convention Center men's rooms this year.
R.I.P. Old Girl Award
Instead of having one-stop shopping for all E3 effluvia, all of the upstarts and oddities were relegated this year to the fringes of the South and West halls. Kentia Hall, according to John Keefer, has been turned into a parking garage.