STFU 2009: The 10 People We Hope Will Shut the F*** Up at This Year's E3
These 10 people need a reminder that mouths are for putting hamburgers into, nothing more.
5/28/2009 7:10 PM | 24 Comments | Page 2 of 3
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
5. Jonathan Blow
Who He Is: Lead designer on
Braid; Industry Pontificator.
Why He Needs to STFU: Braid was a wee bit mean-spirited. There was something very cruel at the heart of that game. How we cursed it out! Blame the way that the game relished in making us feel totally stupid. Still, we played it, Jon. We admired it, and we admired you, Mr. Blow. Until you started talking so much. And saying things like, and
we quote, "And that sounds asshole-ish, and mean and snarky, but that's just how I'm feeling right now." And, worst of all, getting into pathetic, Denis Dyack-like pissing matches in the
forums on Brainy Gamer. Three words: Rise above, man. You're better than this.
6. Hideo Kojima
Who He Is: Creator of Metal Gear Solid; namesake of Kojima Productions.
Why He Needs to STFU: Yes, your expensive eyeglasses are very cute, Hideo. But your games have gotten pretentious to the point of being insufferable. Just looking at that picture of you, we can tell that you're thinking of around 200 new ways to annoy us at this very moment. Let the endless cut scenes and nonsensical plotlines go. Cleanse your palate, and our palates, by making a game that is simple, and pure, and pleasant again. One more thing, Hideo: Teasing gamers about a Metal Gear Solid game that will come out in 2015 does absolutely nothing for anyone. Leave the teasing where it belongs: in schoolyards.
7. Quantic Dream's David Cage
Who He Is: Developer of the much-discussed
Heavy Rain.
Why He Needs to STFU: It's official: We're interested in what you're doing. We're curious. We're even -- dare I say it? -- excited. Now, please stop talking about what you are going to do, and go away and make the best f***ing game you possibly can. We even said "please." And we never say please. Never.
8. Cammie Dunaway
Who She Is: Executive Vice President of Sales & Marketing, Nintendo.
Why She Needs to STFU: After her infamous performance at last year's E3, during which she awkwardly snowboarded with Shaun White onstage at the Kodak Theater, and then polluted the game world with her condescending attitude, Ms. Dunaway earned herself the No. 8 spot on this list
quite possibly for all time. It was like having a nightmare, in which you learn that your mom somehow got into the videogame business so that she could make games for her beloved ne'er-do-well son that were healthy and educational and good for him.
