Gaming's 21 Greatest Old People
Twenty-one pixilated elderly who refuse to go gentle into that good night.
5/8/2009 7:50 PM | 9 Comments | Page 3 of 4
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
10.
Dr. Wily (Mega Man series; Capcom)
Age: 57
Notes: One day Dr. Wily grabbed his scissors and cut a picture of Heihachi out of a videogame magazine. He brought it with him to his barber. He said to his barber, "Please cut my hair like this." The barber did as he was told. Dr. Wily paid the barber. But when Dr. Wily got home, he looked into the mirror and did not like the results. So Dr. Wily vowed, once again, to destroy Mega Man.
9.
Admiral Tolwyn (Wing Commander series; Electronic Arts)
Age: 56
Notes: Tolwyn was originally merely a cartoon of an old guy. But in the later, full-motion-video iterations of the game, decorated thespian Malcolm McDowell stepped into the role to lend gravitas to lines like, "Mankind was at his zenith when fighting the Kilrathi."
8.
Cervantes (SoulCalibur series; Namco)
Age: 66
Notes: Ye olde scurvy-riddled pirate forgoes his usual plundering/pillaging/hijacking duties and attempts instead to defeat a bunch of other costumed people in SoulCalibur. With his dual blades, awesome facial hair and Red Lobster-caliber pirate hat, Cervantes makes getting old beautiful.
7.
Orca (
The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker; Nintendo)
Age: 61
Notes: And so we meet the second shirtless old person on the list. (Note: The first was the Hobo from
Bully.) As a general rule, older people should keep their clothes on. One, because they tend to get chilly very easily. And two, because no one wants to see their old bodies. Orca is the old man in the village who gives Link his penis and teaches him how to use it. Did I say penis? Crap. I meant "sword." Crap!
6.
Dr. Muto (
Dr. Muto; Midway)
Age: 52
Notes: Ah, Midway. It's junk like
Dr. Muto that made you into who you are today. This game featured an annoying mad scientist who was able to change into a mouse, a squirrel, a gorilla, a fish and a spider, in the name of solving puzzles and battling enemies. One thing that Dr. Muto was unable turn into: fun.
5.
Old Snake (
Metal Gear Solid IV: Guns of the Patriots; Konami)
Age: 58
Notes: Hideo Kojima: You have blown our minds YET AGAIN. Meet Old Snake, the second eye patch-wearing elderly person (see Helen "No. 19" Parker for more eye-patch action) on our list. Old Snake proves, once and for all, that yes, old people can pull off bandanas.
