Gaming's 21 Greatest Old People

Twenty-one pixilated elderly who refuse to go gentle into that good night.
5/8/2009 7:50 PM | 9 Comments | Page 2 of 4

17. The Vizier (Prince of Persia: Sands of Time; Ubisoft)

Age: 72

Notes: The Vizier is such a coward, he hides behind a set of lacey parlor curtains during your fight with him and summons his clones do his dirty work. Defeat his clones, and you'll finally get the chance to wring his wrinkled neck. When he's wounded, he doubles over and hacks and wheezes and tries to show you his Medic Alert bracelet. Keep a close eye on his whirling, orthopedic walking stick -- yes, he has one too -- and you'll show him how the young people do it these days.

16. Dr. Russell Barnaby (Dead Rising; Capcom)

Age: 72

Notes: Dr. Barnaby isn't happy to see the youthful, virile Frank West when the two finally meet through a shopping mall gate. Dr. Barnaby does what you'd expect him to do: He shouts, makes very little sense, and dramatically jabs his cane in Frank's general direction.

Bonus Clip: Dead Rising






15. Heihachi Mishima (Tekken series; Namco)

Age: 62

Notes: For an older gentleman, Heihachi certainly has style. That hairstyle says: "I'm old, but I still enjoy combing what's left of my hair." That hairstyle says: "Ladies, look out. I'm not afraid of mousse." That hairstyle says: "Manther on the prowl." Trivia: As difficult as this might be for Tekken fans to accept, Heihachi is one of the unlockable characters in Anna Kournikova's Smash Court Tennis.

14. Cranky Kong (Donkey Kong Country series; Nintendo)

Age: 84

Notes: There's a rumor that Cranky Kong is actually the original Kong from the '80s arcade game. He's old and bitter now, because that stupid Steve Wiebe keeps knocking him off his perch and taking back his beloved Pauline. Cranky has a Moses beard. His special ability: complaining.

13. Strago Magus (Final Fantasy VI; Square)

Age: 89

Notes: According to our Final Fantasy notebook (don't pretend you didn't keep one, you hypocrite), Strago is an elderly mage who hails from the village of Thamasa. He's your party's certified grumpy old man. He's even referred to by a fellow party member as "Gramps" at one point. (Got to love those hip writers at Square.) His special skill is "Lore," which allows him to learn special attacks from enemies and to instinctively know when it's 10-percent Senior Citizen Discount Day at Pathmark.

12. The Hobo (Bully; Rockstar Games)

Age: 58

Notes: The Hobo doesn't wear a shirt. He's a Korean War veteran who lost most of his unit in a friendly-fire incident. He enjoys listening to his transistor radio. And a note on the bulletin board in the boys' dorm suggests that he might have rabies. Last seen: sitting next to Bill at the VFW bar.

11. Gouken (Street Fighter IV; Capcom)

Age: 67

Notes: Gouken is a feisty buzzard who originally trained Ryu and Ken. He and Akuma had an epic battle in which Gouken was defeated. But Gouken didn't die at the end, as suspected. He was only rendered unconscious... You know, f*** this. I don't care what his stupid backstory is. It's a stupid f***ing Capcom fighting game. Point is, Gouken is a very attractive older gentleman. Dear Gouken: My grandmother is single and has only had one hip surgery. Would you mind taking her out on Friday night and dancing the Charleston with her? She needs to be aired out a bit.