(Contributors: Ryan Kuo, John Teti, James Fudge, Kyle Orland and the illustrious Evan Narcisse)

Last week several members of the CG staff (Vogel, Kuo, Narcisse and myself) traveled to the East Village and entered the confines of a http://www.sheckys.com/newyorkcity/search/_le_poisson_rouge_1_9245.asp " target="_blank">subterranean club in the middle of the afternoon -- is there any place on earth more depressing than a club in the middle of the day? -- to get a glimpse of BioShock 2.

After the 20-minute hands-off demo, we debated whether the game would turn out to be the transcendent gaming experience we'd hoped for. (We'll have more details about the demo as soon as the embargo lifts.)

It's a valid concern. I can't tell you the number of times I've had my teeth kicked in by a sequel. Tenchu 2 is the quintessential example of this. I adored the first game, and I remember trying like hell to love the sequel. I spent days trying, days hoping, to love something that didn't deserve love. I could literally feel my heart breaking as I came to finally accept the fact that the game just plain sucked balls.

Which brings me to CG's list of disappointing Number Twos.

"Did you fart? Because it seriously smells like a fart in here." "I didn't fart. Maybe it's this terrible game we're starring in. That could be what you're smelling."

Halo 2 (Xbox; 2004)

Why It Stinks: F*** this game. Seriously. This is the moment when the train left the tracks for the Halo series. I don't want to hear about how innovative the multiplayer is. Without a strong narrative backbone, there's no reason for multiplayer to exist. Halo 2 was tedious, nonsensical and tedious. Did I say "tedious" already? Oh, sorry. Let me say it a third time: IT'S TEDIOUS.

"It's-a me, terrible Mario."

Super Mario Bros. 2 (NES; 1988)

Why It Stinks: I deferred to Nintendo expert Kyle Orland on this one. "It's by far the weakest of the 'main' Mario games," he says, "mainly because it wasn't originally a Mario game, but just a cheap-o conversion of an odd Japanese platformer. The best sign that it changed things for the worse was that its style of gameplay -- with multiple playable characters, picking up/throwing enemies/items, etc. -- was never returned to later in the series. If this style of play had really set the world on fire, why was Super Mario Bros. 3 so much more like the original? On the plus side, the game brought us Shyguys and Bob-ombs." Thanks, Kyle. You can go back to kissing your Shigeru Miyamoto doll now.


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This game somehow makes even being invisible no fun.

Fade to Black (PC, PlayStation; 1995)

Why It Stinks: The sequel to Flashback: The Quest for Identity broke hearts/took the lunch money of fans everywhere when it was released in the mid-'90s. One of those fans was CG's own Ryan Kuo. "Delphine ditched all the strengths of Flashback and Out of This World -- beautiful 2-D graphics, fluid animation and controls, and exploration -- and went for flabby, over-the-shoulder 3-D action," he says. "Plus, this being 1995, the game looked like three-week-old roadkill."

It's exactly like the original Tenchu, minus the fun.

Tenchu 2: Birth of the Stealth Assassins (PS2; 2000)

Why It Stinks: It's basically unplayable. Guards possess a sixth sense that allows them to spot you through walls from many miles away. That's no good for a stealth/ninja sim. And the introduction of water was a nice idea, but each time Ayame or Rikimaru got into the water, they sounded less like ninjas and more like three-legged boars trying to wash themselves.

Appropriately enough, Dante looks like a dried-up white dog poop on the box cover.

Devil May Cry 2 (PS2; 2003)

Why It Stinks: Three words: unlockable Diesel jeans. This game was one big, bloated, two-disc punch in the stomach for me. The game promised a second playable character -- Lucia -- and sprawling urban environments, but all it delivered was disappointment and depression.

"Wheelman is back."

Driver 2 (PlayStation; 2000)

Why It Stinks: One of the greatest driving games of all time -- the original Driver (FYI: there would never have been a Grand Theft Auto III without Driver) -- got a bigger, more ambitious sequel that bit off more than the underpowered PlayStation could chew. Driver 2 allowed gamers to actually get out of their cars and walk around. Unfortunately, you were far better off staying in your car -- the on-foot controls were awkward, to put it mildly -- but to make matters worse, the game's frame rate chugged so slowly at times that you felt like you were looking at slides of someone's action-packed vacation photos.


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Winner of the Most Intrusive HUD Ever award. Congratulations, Warren Spector.

Deus Ex: Invisible War (Xbox, PC; 2004)

Why It Stinks: News-man James Fudge chimed in with his gripes on this one. "Let's see. The game was too short, the RPG elements were dumbed-down, the skill system was bastardized, there were technical problems because of pixel shaders (most graphics cards didn't support that technology at the time), and changes to the inventory system and ammo use, and the textures were generally poor. A lot of this was blamed on simultaneous development on Xbox and Windows." Hey, why don't you tell us how you really feel, James?

Cirque du Soleil is in town.

Prince of Persia: Warrior Within (Xbox, PS2, GameCube; 2004)

Why It Stinks: Sands of Time was, to my mind, basically perfect. Ubisoft didn't agree with me, so it took the sequel in a much darker, more "xxxtreme" direction. The result was a sillier, boobs-centric follow-up that featured a grungy version of the Prince, and a couple of songs -- I kid you not -- from Godsmack. In the words of William Shakespeare: "Ew."

"If you strike me down with your tiny penis, I will become far more powerful than you can imagine."

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (NES; 1988)

Why It Stinks: I deferred to Zelda fan John Teti on this one. "They made the action side-scrolling instead of top-down, which was a mistake. And for some reason, they threw in RPG elements like 'leveling.' So the whole time you were trying to pick the RPG raisins out of your Zelda cookie. The music sucked. And there weren't nearly as many cool toys to collect like in the other Zelda games, and thus the puzzles did not force you to use those cool toys in a creative way. Finally, Link's sword was this tiny little thing and it made me feel like he had a small penis." Thanks, John.

Beaming friendly messages, "Close Encounters"-style, didn't work.

Power Punch II (NES; 1996)

Bonus Video Footage: Power Punch II

Why It Stinks: This was originally designed as a sequel to Punch-Out!!, but when Nintendo stopped counting money long enough to realize how god-awful it was, it disowned the game, and released it as Power Punch II (though I personally can't recall there ever being a Power Punch I). After the Mike Tyson-like star of the game (name: Mark Tyler) declares to the world that no one can defeat him, aliens come to earth and challenge him. No, I'm not kidding. If you're feeling kind of low today, watch the video footage of the game. Check out the slug ring-card girl who appears between rounds. Trust me, it'll make your day.