Gaming's Most Awesome Man-Crotches Ever!
Boldly upholding the cheapo Internet tradition of giving gamers something unambiguously sexual to spend the next 14 seconds clicking on.
4/1/2009 12:01 AM | 12 Comments | Page 1 of 2
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
(Photos: Jason McMaster)
With today's extremely high-powered gaming consoles, it's now easier than ever for skilled programmers to fully articulate a man-crotch. Games have certainly come a long way from the totally flat man-crotches of old. Remember the original
Prince of Persia? Totally flat man-crotch. Mario? Flat man-crotch. Simon Belmont? You guessed it: FLAT MAN-CROTCH. For the next 14 seconds, feast your eyes -- and your clicks -- on gaming's most awesome man-crotches ever!
P.S. You might think this is a totally gratuitous feature masquerading as clever sociological observation. Just so there's no ambiguity about it, it's 100-PERCENT TOTALLY GRATUITOUS.
10. M. Bison(
Street Fighter IV)
Pro Tip: Look out for that incoming Scissor Kick. If you feel something that feels like a hamburger patty smacking you in the forehead, it's probably not a hamburger patty. :(
9. Matt Hazard(
Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard)
Hazard spends much of this game hiding behind shipping crates, apparently because he's embarrassed by the size of his
[INSERT SOUND OF SLIDE-WHISTLE HERE]. Ooooga, oooooooooga.
8. Fawkes(
Fallout 3)
Man, they don't call Fawkes a super-mutant for nothing. In a secret side-mission, Fawkes travels to California and briefly stars in a series of adult films called Ghoul Love.
7. Marcus Fenix(
Gears of War 2)
Marcus clearly shows that he's anticipating a rendezvous with Dom in this screenshot from
Gears 2.
6. Hulk Hogan(
WWE Legends of WrestleMania)
Holy Hulkamania, Hulkman. If we eat our vegetables, will we "grow up" to be just like you?
