Crispy Gamer Presents: World's Greatest Videogame Toilets

30 Toilets. 30 Days. A look back at some of the greatest virtual crappers ever made.
4/1/2009 12:01 AM | 15 Comments | Page 1 of 2

Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.

[Contributors: Jason McMaster (video capture), Keith Vincent (intro animation); Moral support: Ryan Kuo, Elise Vogel; Intro music by Spooky Johnson's Original Rock and Roll Band]

"You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is small toilet here."

Any gamer worth his salt will recognize this as a toiletized version of the classic opening lines from 1980's Zork I.

Crispy Gamer Presents: World's Greatest Videogame Toilets

Since the dawn of pixels, developers have attempted to bring their virtual worlds to life by featuring a variety of people-actually-live-here cues. Yes, there are white houses with boarded front doors and mailboxes. There are beds in which non-player characters can sleep, and kitchens in which to eat. And there are toilets to make virtual poops in.

Nothing arguably brings a game world to life more effectively than the inclusion of a humble, flushable can. Virtual toilets are an essential ingredient in creating the visual fabric of a fictional game world. Which is why we've decided to spend the next 30 days -- yes, I said 30 days -- celebrating this unsung, unappreciated hero of gaming.

We're about to take you on a decades-spanning, counter-clockwise-turning journey through time, exploring the virtual bowls of yesterday and today. You will contemplate the many thousands of surreal man-hours that went into designing these virtual bowls. We'll approach each bowl with the clinical eye of a sociologist; we'll study the bowl carefully, testing out the functions of each bowl, giving it a flush or two, and since most toilets occur in first-person shooters -- as a bonus -- we will attempt to demolish it.

Grab a can of Lysol and today's paper, because your circular, spinning, whirling journey down the drain of videogame toilet history begins now...

Bowl 1: Duke Nukem 3D (1996) [Watch the video]

Bowl 2: Katamari Damacy (2004) [Watch the video]

Bowl 3: Resident Evil 5 (2009) [Watch the video]

Bowl 4: Silent Hill: Homecoming (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 5: Counter-Strike (2000) [Watch the video]

Bowl 6: Dead Rising (2006) [Watch the video]

Bowl 7: Bully (2006) [Watch the video]

Bowl 8: BioShock (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 9: Assassin's Creed (2007) [Watch the video]

Bowl 10: Call of Duty: World at War (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 11: The Darkness (2007) [Watch the video]

Bowl 12: Dead Space (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 13: Fable II (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 14: Doom 3 (2004) [Watch the video]

Bowl 15: Fallout 3 (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 16: F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (2009) [Watch the video]

Bowl 17: Prey (2006) [Watch the video]

Bowl 18: Left 4 Dead (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 19: Killzone 2 (2009) [Watch the video]

Bowl 20: Grand Theft Auto IV (2008) [Watch the video]

Bowl 21: Gears of War (2006) [Watch the video]

Bowl 22: Star Ocean: The Last Hope (2009) [Watch the video]

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Comments

LarryCroft
4/30/2009 6:33:45 AM

You forgot the toilet from Lefty's bar in the Leisure Suit Larry game.
Reply »
RyanKuo (Game Trust Writer)
4/24/2009 2:17:22 PM

Toilet Man has spoken...!
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ToiletMan
4/24/2009 1:24:00 PM

You better add "Shadow Warrior" also a game from "3D Realms", I'm sorry but if you don't have that on your list, then the list is fail. There's a secret I believe in beginning of level 2, where you find a naked chick siting on the toilet, and if you talk to her she takes out a gun and shoots you. Ye its that awesome.
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ToiletMan
4/24/2009 1:21:50 PM

You better add "Shadow Warrior" also a game from "3D Realms", I'm sorry but if you don't have that on your list, then the list is fail. There's a secret I believe in beginning of level 2, where you find a naked chick siting on the toilet, and if you talk to her she takes out a gun and shoots you. Ye its that awesome.
Reply »
ToiletMan
4/24/2009 1:21:48 PM

You better add "Shadow Warrior" also a game from "3D Realms", I'm sorry but if you don't have that on your list, then the list is fail. There's a secret I believe in beginning of level 2, where you find a naked chick siting on the toilet, and if you talk to her she takes out a gun and shoots you. Ye its that awesome.
Reply »
Crispy Specials
GusMastrapa (Game Trust Writer)
4/18/2009 5:06:10 PM

@CJLopez:

I'd say No More Heroes makes a great number two.
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ReverendTed
4/10/2009 6:29:20 PM

Oh, I do hope you've got the toilet from Soldier of Fortune's Sudanese slaughterhouse level. As John Mullins so eloquently put it after blasting a disturbingly large floater: "Ugh. No amount of money is worth this smell."
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CJLopez
4/7/2009 12:53:53 PM

Ok, really, No More Heroes should really be number 1 here!!!

I hope it comes to be No7 at least
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javiersilva57
4/6/2009 10:35:37 PM

You can use a toilet in Captain Rainbow :D
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JasonMcMaster (Game Trust Writer)
4/2/2009 11:25:57 AM

@JohnKeefer:

You are wayyyy too knowledgeable about 3D Realms toilet lore.
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Crispy Specials
CG-Prophet (Game Trust Writer)
4/1/2009 7:02:47 PM

I thought that was another game. I'm getting old!
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JohnKeefer (Game Trust Writer)
4/1/2009 4:50:11 PM

@CG-Prophet:

Actaully they did. All version gave you a 1% health increase. The XBLA version was increased to 5%. Info courtesy of Joe Siegler ast 3D Realms.
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HaroldGoldberg (Game Trust Writer)
4/1/2009 10:19:04 AM

oh, man; fine idea. :) this reminds me of tony lovett's seminal story about the toilets and bidets of europe. i love the toilet level in parappa the rapper. genius.
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CG-Prophet (Game Trust Writer)
4/1/2009 1:45:08 AM

At least they don't let you drink the water to heal yourself.
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JasonMcMaster (Game Trust Writer)
4/1/2009 1:40:14 AM

The journey of a thousand toilets begins with one flush...
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Crispy Specials