Crispy Gamer

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

If there's one thing gamers like more than playing videogames, it is reading through obnoxious sexy lists. These lists can be anything involving some sort of humanoid female form -- for example, Top 10 Hottest Videogame Girls, Sexiest Moms in Games, Ten Hottest Game Furries I'd Like to F**k, etc.

But the one thing you never read about is the strong, sexy men of videogames. Secure in my masculinity or coming out of the closet (pick one before you start reading, and ridicule me appropriately in the comments), I think it is high time that -- in the spirit of fairness -- we give those poor game guys their moment in the sun.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

9. James Bond (Quantum of Solace)

James Bond is an old soul who knows how to make every woman he meets feel special. A girl lucky enough to hook up with Bond will have adventures filled with sex, intrigue, more sex and a trip to the doctor to figure out if she's contracted anything permanent. Consider that strange rash and unexplainable burn a parting gift from the man keeping Her Majesty's kingdom safe from the world's most dangerous masterminds.

Hot: A hopeless romantic that knows how to treat the ladies right.

Not: The concept of safe sex escapes him. He may have a lot of baby mommas across the globe.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

8. Dirk the Daring (Dragon's Lair)

This one's for the old ladies in the house! Dirk the Daring has been rescuing Princess Daphne for nearly 30 years, and apparently never tires of the noble task. It's hard to understand why this noble knight would bother with Princess Daphne, because she's really not all that hot. With many other princesses in need of rescuing these days, it's time for Dirk to move on and trade up.

Hot: He apparently enjoys being idolized by the homely.

Not: 50-year-old virgin alert.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

7. Barret Wallace (Final Fantasy VII)

Sweet, sweet Barret. The popular character from Final Fantasy VII proved to be a faithful comrade to Cloud, though his motivation for doing so has often been called into question by some historians. But the real Barret is a gentle soul who cares about friends, family and the environment, and would do anything to protect those he loves with his life. Take that, Shinra.

Hot: A family man and fan of Al Gore.

Not: He has a f***ing cannon for a hand.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

6. Wario (WarioWare: Smooth Moves)

While you might not think Wario -- that pudgy, out-of-shape evil nemesis of Mario and Luigi -- is all that sexy, you have to read between the lines to understand why this game dude is such a catch. For one, he's a great provider, an entrepreneur and a collector of rare gold coins. His resemblance to Ron Jeremy is uncanny, which could mean something in the bedroom (no promises though). For the girls out there looking for a bad boy, Wario is the go-to guy.

Hot: His smooth moves are only surpassed by his strong entrepreneurial spirit.

Not: He can be a real dick sometimes.


The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

5. Hershel Layton (Professor Layton and the Curious Village)

St. Mystere's most eligible bachelor is also the smartest man in town. With the help of his young assistant Luke, and an intelligence that rivals even the most scholarly of men, Professor Layton is focusing that intelligence on the secret of the "Golden Apple." But when the thrill of discovery has passed, even a genius must make time for love.

Hot: He can do a New York Times crossword puzzle in a half-hour.

Not: What is really curious is his relationship with Luke. At least they aren't looking for his lost puppy.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

4. Link (The Legend of Zelda)

Do Hylian families have bar mitzvahs? While teenagers may prefer the childish Link of yesteryear, the ladies want more of Link the man in Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess. Link finally came of age and all the girls think he's as cute as a baby's bottom. No longer a little boy, this legendary hero has put away the batons, ocarinas and Minish Caps of his youth.

Hot: Willing to spend the rupees on the right gal.

Not: Has an unhealthy obsession with fairies.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

3. Dominic Santiago (Gears of War)

Dominic Santiago might be playing second fiddle to grizzled veteran Marcus Fenix, but the man deserves top billing in my book. [Note: Spoilers ahead!] Recently a widower after he had to pull the trigger on his wife Maria, Dominic's dance card is now free and I think he's ready to find that special someone.

Hot: He's in top shape, is a team player and a family man, and has no problem pulling the trigger in the most difficult of situations.

Not: He has no problem pulling the trigger in any situation.

The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

2. Louis (Left 4 Dead)

Louis is the Lou Gossett Jr. of gaming (from "The Principal," not "Top Gun"): a strong leading man that is sensitive to the needs of others, a sharp dresser, and one with a strong instinct for survival. Often overheard screaming out such romantic catchphrases as "Reloading!" and "Boomer," Louis is looking to settle down if he can survive the zombie apocalypse.

Hot: Levelheaded, helpful, courteous and kind.

Not: The sound of a child crying sends him into a panic.

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The Top Nine Hottest Game Dudes of All Time

1. Hero (Dragon Quest)

When a man suddenly says "?", that means he's the hero of a Japanese role-playing game. One of my favorites is the Hero from Dragon Quest VIII. He's faithful, handsome, values his friendships, and enjoys bingo, monster battles at the Arena and killing things with his boomerang. He also dabbles in crafting things in his magic alchemy pot, which means that you can expect some sort of homemade ring or crappy broach at some point in your relationship. Oddly enough, he smells like a combination of regret, horse and frog-man, but don't let that stop you from making a love connection.

Hot: A true strong, silent type.

Not: He once had a seven-way with a mouse, a horse, a green guy, a village idiot, a swordsman and some whore named Jessica.