$8 and all the farts you can fart.

1. Rule No. 1: Always eat before going through the security line at JFK's Terminal 4. On the far side of security, your options are the stale trail mix from Hudson News or an $8 re-re-reheated pizza slice.

2. The Las Vegas Strip is seedy; but the hotels/casinos off the Strip? They're like leper colonies filled with lepers with diabetes who enjoy playing the one-cent slots and shopping for T-shirts with Betty Boop on them. Evan Narcisse and I bunked at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino/Diabetic Leper Colony.

3. By the way, DICE is held at the Red Rock Casino Resort, a place that isn't really close to the Palace Station Hotel & Casino. In fact, it's not really even close to Las Vegas. I'm pretty sure it's in Utah. Average cost of a cab ride from Palace Station to Red Rock: $60. Or the retail price of a still-shrink-wrapped copy of Street Fighter IV.

"I'm funny."

4. Jay Mohr, host of the Interactive Achievement Awards, is funnier than Hugh Jackman. His only gaffe: Calling Media Molecule's Alex Evans "the 'Trainspotting' guy." Boo.

5. Ralph Osterhout's "Invention is the Mother of Creativity" talk was entertaining. And funny. And scary. And the vest he was wearing? I'm pretty sure it was bulletproof.

6. Narcisse likes to play his music in the mornings at a godforsaken volume. Even with my noise-canceling headphones on, I could still hear it through the hotel room walls. Cue "The Odd Couple" theme music.

7. The DICE swag bag is without a doubt one of the best swag bags in the history of conventions and conferences. Sleek, stylish and not-totally embarrassing to be seen carrying. (Unlike those NPR-ish Game Developers Conference totes. Boo.) Unfortunately, approximately 85 percent of the bags, including the swag inside, were left behind by attendees unwilling to haul all the tripe home with them. (Dear Maid at Palace Station: Please enjoy the tripe I left for you. -- Scott.)

Geoff Keighley's Achilles Heel.

8. Kyle Gabler, half of 2D Boy, is a very strange individual. His presentation -- "Small is the New Big" -- was one of the oddest highlights of the conference. To quote TV's "The Bachelor": "Kyle, will you please accept this rose?"

9. New York Times writer Seth Schiesel partied like he was auditioning for "I Love Money 3" on Thursday night, dancing by himself to music that wasn't playing. Miraculously, he rallied through what must have been a monstrous hangover to more than hold his own on a panel on Friday. Bully for you, Seth.

10. Number of times Blackberry addict Geoff Keighley checked his phone while on stage during the "Game Journalism: Who Cares?" panel: one.

Narcisse on the left; Jones on the right.

11. Number of times I caught Narcisse ironing in his hotel room: one. (Personally, I currently have a 17-year no-ironing streak going.) Again: cue "The Odd Couple" theme.

12. Pete Wanat and Nick Torchia, producers on the upcoming Wanted: Weapons of Fate, are two of the finest dinner companions anyone could hope for. Both have decent table manners (they used cutlery and did not fart). And when asked what his own personal "Flower" would be, Nick actually confessed to wanting to make a hairdressing simulation. (Read all about it later this week in our inaugural "Dining With Developers" feature.)

13. Happiness is ... waking up with Executive Producer Haden Blackman's business card in your coat pocket. (I absolutely loved Star Wars: The Force Unleashed; so sue me.)

14. Did you know ... that Resident Evil 5 producer Jun Takeuchi smiles like a mischievous badger while being interviewed?

Put your face close to the screen and you can smell the Palace Station.

15. The sight of Dean Takahashi's face eerily glowing in his bluish laptop light in the corner of the dark summit hall for three days straight made him look like one of those apparitions from Disney's Haunted Mansion ride, minus the dancing candelabras.

16. Joining Kyle Gabler in the "Who Knew They Were Funny?" Department: Bethesda's game director Todd Howard. Howard's talk, "Great Games Are Played, Not Made" was hilarious. Todd, will you also accept this rose? Seriously, you and Gabler would both be funnier than anything I'd see onstage at Bonkerz, Palace Station's comedy club.

17. There weren't a lot of behind-closed-doors style reveals at DICE, but the one game we did get to see was Raven Software's Singularity. Narcisse and I were both impressed. (Look for Narcisse's preview later in the week.)

18. Still the best-dressed man in the business: Former GDC director Jamil Moledina (who now works for EA Partners). With his GQ-caliber eyewear and his jauntily un-tucked silk shirts, Moledina makes the rest of the industry look like we all just wandered in from a Li'l Abner comic strip.

19. Number of times Narcisse dug his fork into whatever I was eating without saying a word to me: twice. I'm telling you, all he needs is the cigar and the backwards baseball cap...

Pictured: Gus Mastrapa's soul.

20. Number of times I referred to Gus Mastrapa as a unicorn: one. ("He's like this mythical creature in the business; every outlet tries to hire him, but no one can. He's like the games journalism equivalent of a unicorn.")

21. Friday: As banners were pulled down, stray soda cans were collected, and developers streamed towards the taxi line, wheelie luggage in tow, I felt the way I always feel at the end of conferences: vaguely depressed, lost and a little bit aroused. After a quick dinner with a few colleagues at Caesar's, Narcisse and I finally headed to the airport for our flight back to New York. We assumed the redeye would be largely vacant and that we could sprawl like pashas across entire rows of seats. We were wrong. It's the opposite of vacant; it's sold out completely. People are literally sleeping on the floor, underneath makeshift tents, making the gate look -- and smell -- like a refugee camp.

22. As our packed plane ascended into the night sky, heading towards a pre-dawn New York, Narcisse and I tucked tiny, synthetic pillows underneath our heads, and covered ourselves with tiny, synthetic blankets, our notebooks filled with game journo scribblings, our voice recorders filled with disembodied voices, and our man-nerd heads dreaming our man-nerd dreams.