Man Versus Shadow of the Colossus, Part 1
How I Killed 16 Colossi in 16 Days (Well, 17 Days. OK, 18 Days)
1/26/2009 8:00 PM | 14 Comments | Page 2 of 4
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
Colossus One (Friday, 12/12)
Colossus No. 1: The game's first Colossus is a big, cuddly teddy bear of a Colossus. Who will stomp you into figgy pudding, should he find you underfoot. Seriously, he's harmless. Mostly.
It's Friday afternoon in the Crispy Gamer offices. My friend and fellow videogame journalist John Sellers (hi, John) is getting married the next day in Philadelphia, so I need to pick up my cheap sport coat from the dry cleaner before heading home to kill my Colossus. Managing Editor Elise Vogel and Copy Editor Ryan Kuo both giggle when I say the words, "I need to go home and kill my Colossus."
"You two have dirty minds," I say.
It's cold and gray outside. Perfect Colossus-killing weather. I look up at the buildings surrounding Herald Square. I imagine a Colossus elbowing its way between the Midtown buildings. I remember the original black-and-white Godzilla, the one with the footage of American actor Raymond Burr spliced into it. After seeing the movie, I went to bed every night imagining the giant lizard pushing its way through the backyard trees in our rural upstate New York, wondering what I'd do if that really ever happened.
When I locate the first Colossus in the game, I do something I'd never do in any of my Godzilla fantasies: I run towards the big, shambling behemoth. This shaggy Colossus has piercing blue eyes that never seem to blink. And he's got a "Joy of Sex"-caliber hirsuteness to him. He looks a bit like one of the Muppets.
I get knocked about by his crushing footsteps. But then I locate a hairy patch on the back of his left leg. I climb aboard, and stab him in the calf. This makes him drop to a knee like a genuflecting parishioner. This is my chance. I leap to the fanny-pack/ledge on his waist. I rest for a moment before using his hairy back to climb towards his head.
The Demise of Colossus No. 1: Cue "The Love Boat" theme: "Climb aboooard; he's expecting yooooooou."
My finger on the R1 (grip) button cramps a little. "I'm not in Colossus-killing shape yet," I write in my notes. After a few worrisome moments, with my right index finger aching, I reach the top of his head. I plunge my sword into the glowing spot on his cranium. Black liquid -- Colossus blood? -- geysers forth.
At this moment, my girlfriend wanders through my office. "What are you doing to that thing?" she asks, clearly horrified. She is the type who sees a stray, limping cat on Roosevelt Avenue and wants to take it home. A few more stabs to the top of his head, a few more geysers of black blood, and the Colossus goes down. He looks like Joe Frazier when he got KOed by George Foreman. He falls in dramatic slow-motion, directly onto his Muppet face.
