10 No-Bullshit Rules Non-Gaming Parents Should Follow When Buying Videogames for Their Kids

Dazed and confused this holiday season while shopping for games? Follow these 10 simple game-buying rules.
12/3/2008 7:20 PM | 5 Comments | Page 1 of 2

While tossing the Used & Neglected bin at my local game emporium on a recent Sunday afternoon, I overheard a woman speaking loudly into her cell phone.

"Wait, wait, so you like Sonic, or you don't like Sonic? Now I'm confused," she said.

It was clear that she was talking to her child. As she scanned the aisles, being guided around the store by her Cyrano de Bergerac-like offspring, I followed her. "OK, so you already beat Mario Kart? I didn't even know you had Mario Kart," she said.

I sucked in my breath as the woman picked up a copy of Crash Bandicoot Xtreme: Still Crashing (or whatever the hell it was called), wondering if I should intervene, or like a nature documentarian, if I should simply let nature run its course. In the end, I wound up letting nature run its course. The woman bought her child a bunch of completely crappy games, including Crash Bandicoot Xtreme.

As she exited the store, her bag of crappy games in tow, I began to think that this non-gaming mom could have benefited from some simple, hard-and-fast game-buying guidelines, to help her make better decisions in these situations. Moms, dads: Follow these no-bullshit rules, and your holidays are guaranteed to be just a little bit brighter this year, trust me.


1. Your kids have lousy taste when it comes to games. I know Little Johnny is precious to you, and cute as all get out. But Little Johnny can't distinguish between the crap and the cream when it comes to videogames. The truth is, kids want the games that they've seen advertised on TV or in magazines. So they'll give you misinformation and bad advice, and fill their wish-lists up with total tripe, because they just don't know any better. They'll tell you that they want Hannah Montana: Music Jam (Disney) or Dora the Explorer: Dora Saves the Mermaids (2K), or Crash Bandicoot Xtreme. You have to be smarter than they are. As a parent, you have to educate yourself, do some poking around on the Net, and preempt those bad choices. In the end you'll save money, and you won't be supporting the shovelware market, and the kids will wind up with good games. Everyone wins. All together now: Yay.

2. Do not buy Wii Fit. Many of you are thinking, This is perfect; it combines fitness and gaming. This would make for a truly terrific family gift! Trust us: Wii Fit is the videogame equivalent of giving your kid a Bill Blass cardigan. Sure, they'll smile and feign excitement when they open it, but after you go to bed, they'll knock over the Christmas tree and smear the walls with excrement. Don't say we didn't warn you.

3. Do not buy mini-game compilations. What is a mini-game compilation? Close your eyes in the game store, reach blindly towards the Wii section, grab almost any game, open your eyes, and chances are good that you're holding a mini-game compilation. Recent examples that absolutely must be avoided: Celebrity Sports Showdown (EA) and Family Party: 30 Great Games (D3Publisher) and Wonderworld Amusement Park (Majesco). These discs -- cheap to produce, which is why there's such a proliferation of them these days -- are designed to get four people standing around a TV set as they make lewd hand motions that resemble high-speed self-pleasure. Avoid them at all costs.

4. Avoid any game that has the word "family" printed anywhere on the box. Do not be tempted by this cheap marketing-department ploy. The general rule is this: The more prominent the word "family" is on the box, the more terrible the game is. Examples: Family Fest Presents Movie Games (Ubisoft), Hasbro Family Game Night (EA). And if you happen to see the words "fun for the whole family" on a game box, act as if the game has just spit hydrochloric acid in your eyes and back away covering your face while saying the words, "I'm blind! I'm blind!"

5. The Superhero Embargo: Do not buy any games that feature superheroes until further notice. These seem like safe purchases; they're not. Game developers have spent millions licensing these properties, which means they typically have very little cash left over to devote to making the actual game. While there have been decent superhero games in the past -- Spider-Man 2 (Activision) comes to mind -- this year's crop of superhero games has been one of the worst in memory. Games to avoid: Iron Man (Sega) and The Incredible Hulk (Sega).