And the Next President of the United States Is...
(Contributors: James Fudge, Ryan Kuo)
Election Day is upon us -- that special day when Americans get to sleep late and stroll into work with donut crumbs caught in their facial hair, pretending that they spent their mornings at the polls. Isn't democracy wonderful?
If you do find yourself at a church basement/public school/VFW Post 1124 within the next 24 hours and you can't decide between Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin, we've got eight alternative candidates for you to consider as last-minute write-ins.
Nico Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)
- Anti-gun control and speed limits.
- Proponent of closing off certain parts of cities until specific missions are completed.
- Promises tax breaks for big businesses like the Sprunk cola factory, and small businesses like the Honkers strip club.
Campaign slogan: "Get out of the way, fat lady!"
Big Daddy (BioShock)
- Supports Head Start program.
- Promises to install 100-plus new Gatherer's Garden machines before the end of his first year in office.
- Promises tougher bees-from-hands control laws.
- Fond of the phrase, "Drill, baby, drill."
Campaign slogan: "[Roaarrrrrrrrrr]."
Roco (Loco Roco)
- Trash reform: All future garbage bags must be bright yellow and have eyes on them.
- New healthcare program asks constituents to dance around and sing childlike songs every day instead of visiting actual doctors.
- Tax breaks for any family with creatures made out of three (or more) smaller creatures.
- Pioneer of "No Yellow Garbage Bag Left Behind" act.
Campaign slogan: "La, la, la-la-la-la-la, laaaaaa, la laaaaa."
- Proposes "Free Sticker In Some Vague Shape For Everyone Day" for all Americans.
- Promises to let Americans rebuild the economy themselves via innovative Popit program.
- Up to four immigrants can simultaneously enjoy new "Welcome To America" tutorials told in cozy, British, old-man voice.
- Include random skateboard race in the middle of his time in office.
Campaign slogan: "Bring me your tired, your poor, and your burlap-covered."
Vault Boy (Fallout series)
- Offers optimistic smile even when left arm is listed as "Crippled."
- His choice for Vice Presidential candidate: fast food king, the Big Boy. Together they promise better hair-swoops in '09.
- Begins "Ghouls Are People, Too" poster campaign.
- Promises tougher Fast-Traveling Under the Influence (F.T.U.I.) laws.
Campaign slogan: "When you're poisoned with radiation and a gang of Raiders is setting fire to your village and you've just inadvertently released a death-bot that is trying to kill you, I'm there."
Tom Nook (Animal Crossing series)
- Promises to keep roaches out of the White House, even when he isn't home for several weeks.
- Baits people who haven't paid their taxes into turning themselves in by offering his "Bring Me 10 Apples and You Get a Banjo" Program. "They won't get a banjo," Nook says. "What they'll get is what they deserve: jail time."
- Supports alternative lifestyles by marrying Mr. Resetti in civil union.
Campaign slogan: "It's time for the American people to go back to an era when animals walking on hind legs could leave their homes unlocked at night, and we had nothing to do but wander around a woodland forest all day, catching butterflies in our butterfly nets."
Old Snake (Metal Gear Solid IV)
- Tax breaks for all domestic cardboard manufacturers.
- Running with VP candidate Wilford "Di-a-bee-tis" Brimley.
- Nominates Muppets Statler and Waldorf as cabinet members.
- Promises tougher prison sentences and torture sequences for anyone with the word "Ocelot" in his name.
- Goes off on random vampire tangent midway through second year in office.
Campaign slogan: "Four more Gears!"
12-Pack (from CG's "Man vs. 12-Pack" feature)
- Fizzy; bubbly.
- Easy-carry handle.
- On sale.
- VP nominee: Colt 45 40-ouncer.
Campaign slogan: "I'll dull your pain and make life seem like it's just one long bad dream in 2009."
It's been a long road to Election Day -- don't miss The Campaign in Pictures, by John Keefer.
Saving your vote for a real candidate? It?s probably a good idea. Still, you can let us know which of our last-minute write-ins you would have liked to see in office. Vote here, and give us your spin and talking points in the comments!