Crispy Gamer

The 2008 Crispy Awards: Special E3 Edition

(Contributor: James Fudge)

The pageantry. The pomp. The circumstance. The crap musical numbers.

The Crispy Awards certainly has it all. We've saved a seat for you, friend, right in the front row, between Peter Moore and Phil Harrison. Get comfortable and put your cell on vibrate, and if you're going to eat jelly beans, please do so quietly. The lights are dimming, the curtains are parting -- the 2008 Crispy Awards for E3 2008 are about to begin?

Too Human

The Most Improved Award
And the Crispy goes to: Too Human. After all those choppy, horrible showings at previous E3s? We'll say this: You've really come a long way, baby.

Wii Music

The Review-Proof Game of the Year Award
And the Crispy goes to: Wii Music. Go ahead, give it all the 0/10s, Fs and no stars you want. Like the mummy in those old Boris Karloff movies, this damn thing cannot be killed.

Fallout 3 View-Master
(Photo: Xbox360fanboy.com)

The Best Swag Award
And the Crispy goes to: The View-Masters promoting Fallout 3. Or, in the parlance of the game, the "SimTek 1000 Holographic Archive." Uncle Crispy would be proud to have this adorn his cluttered desk.

Left 4 Dead Mints

The Worst Swag Award
And the Crispy goes to: Left 4 Dead mint tins in the Valve booth. So, what you're saying is, zombies have bad breath? Is that right? Huh.

Tomb Raider

The Looking Far Worse Than We'd Hoped It Would Award
And the Crispy goes to: Tomb Raider Underworld. Just when you think Tomb Raider games are a safe bet again, Lara has a crap showing at E3. Sorry, old girl. Oh well. At least you still have big boobs. So that's something.

Left 4 Dead and Fallout 3

The Looking Far Better Than We'd Thought It Would Award
And the Crispy goes to: It's a tie between Mirror's Edge and Fallout 3. Both games had incredibly strong showings, giving Uncle Crispy a bad case of Must-Playitis. Symptoms: Soft stools. Flatulence. Itchy palms.

Games for Windows

The B.Y.O.B.B. (Bring Your Own Boom Box) Award
And the Crispy goes to: The poorly attended -- it was nearly people-free -- Microsoft Games for Windows event. Honestly, we've seen church bake sales that were better attended and had more excitement.

Xerox photo copier

The Xerox Award
And the Crispy goes to: Microsoft's Avatars, aka Fake Miis. As Uncle Crispy always says, "If you can't beat 'em, copy 'em. This is America. Some of the greatest copiers in history are rich mofos now." How sage, Uncle C.

Cammie Dunaway

The Maybe It's Not Too Late to Start an Ultimate Frisbee Club and Quit Gaming Altogether Award
And the Crispy goes to: Shaun White and Cammie Dunaway fake-snowboarding together at the Nintendo presser. Just the thought of it, even 10 days later, still makes us throw up our candy. And that was good candy, too!

pink shirt

The Worst-Dressed Developer Award
And the Crispy Goes to: It's a tie between Epic's Mark Rein and Konami's Koji Igarashi. Pink shirt vs. leather vest! It's so on!

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The Best E3 Party Award
And the Crispy goes to: MTV and Harmonix for their Rock Band 2 party featuring The Who at the Orpheum Theater. Uncle Crispy's ears are still happily ringing.

Rock Revolution

The Too Little Too Late Award
And the Crispy goes to: Konami's Rock Revolution. Your lame drum peripheral and crap soundtrack? In this era of sophisticated music/rhythm games, it's like trying to send a Honda Civic to the moon. Trust us: This thing will not get out of the driveway.

Cooking Guide: Can't Decide What to Eat?

The This Has to Be One of the Signs of the Apocalypse Award
And the Crispy goes to: The upcoming DS game called Cooking Guide: Can't Decide What to Eat? Now leave Uncle Crispy alone for a moment so he can enjoy a good, old-fashioned man-cry, OK?

Frodo

The Biggest Disappointment Award
And the Crispy goes to: BioWare's Dragon Age. Frodo called, boys. He wants his world back.

Nintendo wallet

The We'll Clean Out Your Wallet One Damn Way or Another Award
And the Crispy goes to: Nintendo's sudden emphasis on making us purchase all kinds of Wii peripherals. Here's our wallet, Reggie. Let us know when you're finished with it, OK?