The 2008 Crispy Awards: Special E3 Edition

"I'd like to thank my agent, my mom, my wife, but most of all I'd like to thank Uncle Crispy. Because without that old, smelly bastard, none of this would be possible. This one's for you, Uncle C.! I'm the king of the world! Wooooo!"
7/25/2008 10:14 PM | 8 Comments | Page 1 of 1

Scott Jones
Scott Jones
Status: Coffee makes me feel 4-percent sexier.
(Contributor: James Fudge)

The pageantry. The pomp. The circumstance. The crap musical numbers.

The Crispy Awards certainly has it all. We've saved a seat for you, friend, right in the front row, between Peter Moore and Phil Harrison. Get comfortable and put your cell on vibrate, and if you're going to eat jelly beans, please do so quietly. The lights are dimming, the curtains are parting -- the 2008 Crispy Awards for E3 2008 are about to begin...

Too Human
The Most Improved Award
And the Crispy goes to: Too Human. After all those choppy, horrible showings at previous E3s? We'll say this: You've really come a long way, baby.









Wii Music
The Review-Proof Game of the Year Award
And the Crispy goes to: Wii Music. Go ahead, give it all the 0/10s, Fs and no stars you want. Like the mummy in those old Boris Karloff movies, this damn thing cannot be killed.


Fallout 3 View-Master
(Photo: Xbox360fanboy.com)
The Best Swag Award
And the Crispy goes to: The View-Masters promoting Fallout 3. Or, in the parlance of the game, the "SimTek 1000 Holographic Archive." Uncle Crispy would be proud to have this adorn his cluttered desk.











Left 4 Dead Mints
The Worst Swag Award
And the Crispy goes to: Left 4 Dead mint tins in the Valve booth. So, what you're saying is, zombies have bad breath? Is that right? Huh.










Tomb Raider
The Looking Far Worse Than We'd Hoped It Would Award
And the Crispy goes to: Tomb Raider Underworld. Just when you think Tomb Raider games are a safe bet again, Lara has a crap showing at E3. Sorry, old girl. Oh well. At least you still have big boobs. So that's something.







Left 4 Dead and Fallout 3
The Looking Far Better Than We'd Thought It Would Award
And the Crispy goes to: It's a tie between Mirror's Edge and Fallout 3. Both games had incredibly strong showings, giving Uncle Crispy a bad case of Must-Playitis. Symptoms: Soft stools. Flatulence. Itchy palms.



Games for Windows
The B.Y.O.B.B. (Bring Your Own Boom Box) Award
And the Crispy goes to: The poorly attended -- it was nearly people-free -- Microsoft Games for Windows event. Honestly, we've seen church bake sales that were better attended and had more excitement.


Xerox photo copier
The Xerox Award
And the Crispy goes to: Microsoft's Avatars, aka Fake Miis. As Uncle Crispy always says, "If you can't beat 'em, copy 'em. This is America. Some of the greatest copiers in history are rich mofos now." How sage, Uncle C.











Cammie Dunaway
The Maybe It's Not Too Late to Start an Ultimate Frisbee Club and Quit Gaming Altogether Award
And the Crispy goes to: Shaun White and Cammie Dunaway fake-snowboarding together at the Nintendo presser. Just the thought of it, even 10 days later, still makes us throw up our candy. And that was good candy, too!













pink shirt
The Worst-Dressed Developer Award
And the Crispy Goes to: It's a tie between Epic's Mark Rein and Konami's Koji Igarashi. Pink shirt vs. leather vest! It's so on!














The Who
The Best E3 Party Award
And the Crispy goes to: MTV and Harmonix for their Rock Band 2 party featuring The Who at the Orpheum Theater. Uncle Crispy's ears are still happily ringing.








Rock Revolution
The Too Little Too Late Award
And the Crispy goes to: Konami's Rock Revolution. Your lame drum peripheral and crap soundtrack? In this era of sophisticated music/rhythm games, it's like trying to send a Honda Civic to the moon. Trust us: This thing will not get out of the driveway.







Cooking Guide: Can't Decide What to Eat?
The This Has to Be One of the Signs of the Apocalypse Award
And the Crispy goes to: The upcoming DS game called Cooking Guide: Can't Decide What to Eat? Now leave Uncle Crispy alone for a moment so he can enjoy a good, old-fashioned man-cry, OK?















Frodo
The Biggest Disappointment Award
And the Crispy goes to: BioWare's Dragon Age. Frodo called, boys. He wants his world back.






Nintendo wallet
The We'll Clean Out Your Wallet One Damn Way or Another Award
And the Crispy goes to: Nintendo's sudden emphasis on making us purchase all kinds of Wii peripherals. Here's our wallet, Reggie. Let us know when you're finished with it, OK?









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Comments

  • CaptainHomeless

    7/28/2008 11:01:18 AM

    I don't get the front page image either ... and I made it! :)

    Reply »
  • Gabe
    Gabe

    7/28/2008 10:31:53 AM

    I don't get the picture.

    Reply »
  • Harden
    Harden

    7/27/2008 4:38:07 PM

    Loved this feature, thank you author, that made my day :)

    Reply »
  • CG-Prophet

    7/26/2008 11:04:18 AM

    When Cammie showed that birthday card and letter I thought that Nintendo was going to announce some freaky Wii Scrapbooking game.

    Reply »
  • Alcibiades
    Alcibiades

    7/26/2008 9:59:11 AM

    Wii Music - wins the "NEVER COMING INTO MY HOUSE" award. I have heard noisy toys before and this is a nightmare. Five screechy electronic toys that sound like cheese graters on my spine even in the demo. OMG, are they insane! That game will be a word-of-mouth nightmare for them with parents once they realize how bad it is. Why not sell it with Q-tip cotton balls for parents' ears.

    Reply »
  • Alcibiades
    Alcibiades

    7/26/2008 9:54:24 AM

    Having seen the Nintendo presentation via webcast, it was horrifying how little Cammie Dunaway seemed to be able to use the Wii products. Ever play what you sell? Even if she is relatively new, then someone should make sure she knows how to play before putting her up there.

    Reply »
  • Alcibiades
    Alcibiades

    7/26/2008 9:50:23 AM

    Best E3 party - Rockband 2... you know it would be good if these guys actually invited a band that has been relevant in the last 25 years. Are they selling this game to the kids and 20-somethings ar their grandparents... grooin' to the oldies. geez.

    Reply »
  • Alcibiades
    Alcibiades

    7/26/2008 9:47:59 AM

    Betty Crocker is dead and rotting in her grave...pretty much like this game before it ever gets released!

    Reply »

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