Will E3 Ever Get Its Groove Back?

Of prostitutes, suicide, moviemakers, Maker's Mark, caged parrots and the worst E3 show ever.
7/23/2008 11:43 PM | 0 Comments | Page 2 of 5

E3 Day Two, Too Damn Early

But it was worse at the House of Mario. We go over to the place they have the Oscars at the unnatural hour of 7:30 a.m. At Nintendo we get wristbands and we sit in our so-called VIP areas, which we have done for years, and some security guy tries to kick me out because I don't have the right band on my wrist. Not just me, but CNET's Dan Ackerman, too. They even try to kick out Game Informer editor Andy McNamara. I mean, the dude's Andy McNamara. And like clones, more security comes and they keep trying to kick us out, even though we won't move. They try words, but they're not masters of words, so why should we listen to them?

But security keeps returning like hungry black flies around a pond in early summer. So we all stand up and leave in solidarity, embarrassment and annoyance and we get the proper bands and settle into our so-called VIP seats. But the House of Mario had little to show, just Wii Music and Animal Crossing: City Life. Yes, Nintendo had Reggie the President moving all macho around the stage like he was launching the Wii for the first time. And, yes, Cammie Dunaway was affable in her role of a marketing executive who is a Mom to a cute kid who loves games. But she's not an actor, even though she plays one onstage, trying to relate to us by talking about hurting her wrist at snowboarding, something she already talked about at Nintendo's Game Summit a few months ago. Add this to Crispy Gamer's Commandments: Thou shalt not repeat thy anecdotes at E3.

So Nintendo showed some good stuff, but not one blow-us-away thing. And sadness crept upon me. Another critic said Nintendo had somehow contaminated the whole show with a dark, smoky pall of a virus that would pervade the rest of E3. As the show let out, I thought, I brought my swim trunks. I could have been swimming in the ocean off Santa Monica if I knew I wasn't going to get even one snippet of exciting news. I mean, you know they have a new Mario and new Zelda in the works. Where's the dang 15-second trailer or a screenshot or even a logo? Nothin' folks. We got nothin'.

Day Two, 10:45 a.m.

So I'm in a Mustang with analyst Billy Pidgeon, hitching a ride across town to Sony. Billy is driving like the punk rocker he once was and still is in his soul, moving fast and braking faster like the car is an instrument in a Ramones song. Billy is none too pleased about some things, and it's not my place to mention which. But the press conferences are so far apart that that now we're off-rhythm. We get to the Shrine Auditorium in time, but the tempo is off and as I'm thinking this could be the worst E3 ever, I start drinking Corona and eating dessert courtesy of Sony before noon, which is something I never do. Heck, I don't even drink beer. But I need to be relaxed because I feel some sort of apocalypse is upon E3.