E3 2008 Predictions: The Crispy Crystal Ball Has the Answers

We dusted off the old office crystal ball -- it's right next to the fax machine -- to find out what's in store for this year's E3.

by Crispy Gamer Staff, 7/12/2008 10:31 PM

(Page 1 of 3)

Crispy Crystal Ball
With E3 2008 mere hours away from kicking off, the seasoned CG staff is already making its annual pilgrimage to our crappy Los Angeles hotels. We've all attended so many previous E3s that before the wheels of our American Airlines jet even touch the tarmac at LAX, we've already got a pretty good idea of what to expect.

So without further adieu, here are the unofficial offical Crispy Gamer Predictions for E3 2008.

"Will microwaved pizza slices still sell for $10 on the show floor at this year's E3?"

pizza
Expect to pay more for the essentials.
CG Crystal Ball Says: No. They will actually increase in price to $12. Yet they will still taste like you're eating flavored napkins.

"The obvious game that everyone will obviously be celebrating to an annoying degree is...? "

CG Crystal Ball Says: Gears of War 2. Yawn. Pass us our blanky. Time to go night-night.

fat guy
Number of fat guys at this year's E3: 496
"Number of fat guys at the show this year?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: 496. Count them if you don't believe us.

"Dark horse of the show is...?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: Fable 2. Plenty of journos are down on it, but giving Molyneux a chance to right his wrongs? He's not going to blow it a second time, trust us.

"Price Drops: Should I wait till after E3 to buy my new console?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: You should, depending on which console you're shopping for. The Wii dropping in price? Unthinkable. Heck, Nintendo could add a $100 Reggie Tax to the price tag at this point and people would still buy it. Sony can't afford to lose any more money on the PlayStation 3. So if anyone is going to do anything on this front, it'll be Microsoft.

Dave
Dave will get lucky.
"Will any journalists hook up with any cute PR girls at the show this year?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: One will. His name is Dave. Congratulations, Dave.

"Is this the year that third-party developers stop crapping out crappy Wii games and start to create games that are actually worth playing?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: No. Not this year. That would be next year. WiiDuds will abound once again. EA Sports is already offering dumbed-down versions of their sports games. Activision, though not officially at the show, has launched their "Wee 1st" brand. What a cute name that is! As long as publishers continue to make big money by offering shallow, waggle-centric junk, we'll keep getting waggle-centric junk. Landfills: Brace yourselves.

"At the Sony press conference, will they make their annual knowing reference to an embarrassing moment from the previous year's press conference?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: It wouldn't be E3 without one, no? We get it, you're hip and totally self-aware. Now shut up and show us your damn games.

"Will we see more music/rhythm games?"

CG Crystal Ball Says: Um, duh. With the it-prints-money success of Rock Band and Guitar Hero III, music-rhythm games with attachable jigamabobs will be ubiquitous.

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Responses

  • CaptainHomeless
    CaptainHomeless

    Jul 13 2008 7:03PM

    "Plenty of journos are down on it, but giving Molyneux a chance to right his wrongs? He's not going to blow it a second time, trust us." ... err, Molyneux's blown it four or five times straight, now, by my count. Nice guy, but he doesn't know how to set a fixed feature list, stick to it, and polish the hell out of it, which is what you need to do to make a good game.

  • Foe_Monkey
    Foe_Monkey

    Jul 13 2008 6:16PM

    Hysterical!

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