The 10 People We Hope Will Shut the F*** Up at This Year's E3
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Rule no. 1 of Fight Club is, never talk about Fight Club. Rule no. 1 for game devs is, never get into silly pissing matches with gamers in the forums. Too Human is starting to finally look solid, Denis. Take the high road, keep your head down, and in the future let your game do your talking for you.
Who He Is: Lead game designer for Epic Games, and proud father of the Gears of War franchise.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Saw this one coming, didn't you? Cliffy B recently announced that he no longer wants to be called "Cliffy B." "It's time to grow up a bit," he said. Or perhaps it's time to stop talking to the press for a bit. Henceforth, we shall refer to you as Clifford Octavius Bleszinki III. Happy now?
Who He Is: Game designer for Sony; proud father of God of War and Twisted Metal franchises.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Saw this one coming too, no? Jaffe isn't a bad guy. He's always good for an insightful or incendiary quote or two. He's even funny at times. The problem is, he keeps threatening that this positively, absolutely is his last interview for a very long time. And then he proceeds to give five more interviews. In the next 10 minutes. Go sit in the corner, David. Yes, face the wall. Now think about what you've done.
Who He Is: Game designer; proud father of Black & White and The Movies; semi-proud father of Fable.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Oh, Peter. How can we not respect you? With your awesome ties and natty sportcoats? Yet no one in the industry is more guilty of overpromising on his games than you are, sir. No one gets hopes up, and dashes them, quite like you do. It's almost as if you get some sort of sick pleasure out of it. Do you? Do you take pleasure in getting us to dream, only to later discover that your final product comes far short of what you promised us? Please be quiet for a minute. Stop talking about the dog in Fable 2. Just stop talking altogether. Go sit in the corner next to Jaffe.
Who He Is: An analyst for Wedbush Morgan Securities.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: My grandfather once said, "Opinions are likes assholes. Everyone has one." And then he threw up all over my shoes. Grandpa, you rotten old drunk! Anyway, I'm pretty sure grandpa was talking about Michael Pachter when he tried to take credit for this age-old saying. Pachter gasses on (and on), day in and day out, about nonsense. Sometimes he's right. Sometimes he's wrong. But if a tree falls in a forest, and Michael Pachter isn't around to guess about the future of the tree, does it really make a sound?
Who He Is: President of Nintendo North America.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: OK, we get it, Reggie. The Wii is a success. Nintendo is back on top, blah blah blah. But is it really necessary for you to showboat around the stage like the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Hell, even your Mii always looks like it's gloating. Instead of walking around and waiting for everyone to slap you on the back at this year's E3, we recommend you dig your GameCube out of the hall closet and spend one full hour staring at it.
Who He Is: Former General Manager of the now-shuttered EA Chicago, and proud father of the Fight Night series; now employed by Microsoft and working as a project lead on Gears of War 2.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Colleague Scott Alexander of Playboy fame recently said, "Kudo seems to have morphed into the downtown version of Cliffy B." Sorry, Scott, that's Clifford Octavius Bleszinki III, in case you didn't get the memo. With his chain-smoking ways, oddball fashion sense -- including eyeglass frames that he apparently stole from Elvis' corpse -- and overcaffeinated speech patterns, Kudo is a little too hell-bent on being outrageous. When we turn out the lights, Kudo, that means we put our heads down on our desks.
Mike Wilson, Harry Miller, Rick Stults
Who They Are: Founders of Gamecock "We Have Yet to Publish a Good Game" Media Group based in Austin, TX.
Why They Need to Shut Their Blowers: After their overproduced funeral for E3 at last year's convention and their rude interruption of Ken Levine's acceptance speech at the craptastic 2007 Spike Videogame Awards, Gamecock sure is good at making noise. But they're apparently not very good at finding quality games to publish. Have you played Hail to the Chimp? It's terrible. And the rest of their offerings -- Insecticide, Mushroom Men, Velvet Assassin, etc. -- don't look much better. Stop talking. Stop holding fake funerals. And come see us when you've published any games that are actually decent. Signed, Your Friends at CG.
Who He Is: Founder and VP of Epic Games, developers of the Unreal and Gears of War series.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Rein is a man who speaks his mind to a fault. Seriously, while chatting with him you half expect him to start giving you his shopping list. "Let's see? Eggs. Tuna. Bread. Milk. Eggs. Did I say eggs already? Silly me." He's said that he wants game prices to come down to the level of DVDs. He hates episodic content. His company will never, ever develop for the Wii. And he publicly called bullshit on Sony when they made their idiotic announcement that the next generation starts when they say so. And he said all this before breakfast. We took off a shoe and threw it into his mouth, but it only slowed him down for a couple of seconds before he was gassing on again.
Who He Is: President of the EA Sports division of Electronic Arts.
Why He Needs to Shut His Blower: Known for getting silly tattoos to prove his faith in the Microsoft brand -- he's displayed his Halo 2 and Grand Theft Auto IV tats at previous E3s -- Peter took his ink and left Microsoft behind like it was a used prophylactic only seconds after last year's E3 ended, taking the reins at EA Sports. During our recent roadtrip to EA's Vancouver studio, Peter was ubiquitous, appearing as a created character in each and every EA Sports game (Tiger Woods, FaceBreaker, etc.), entering the ring in the mo-cap studio wearing an EA Sports-branded robe while being flanked by Lennox Lewis and Ray Leonard, and then droning on for the press in a series of endless interviews. That's enough out of you, Spinach Chin. Sit in the backseat this year.
?and the Six People We Wish Would Say More at This Year's E3 are...
The Six People We Wish Would Say More at This Year's E3
Who He Is: The Man Who Did Not F*** Up God of War 2. He left Sony, and is currently rumored to be working on a game centered around the Mad Max franchise. Stand up, man, and be counted!
Who He Is: The quiet dude who quietly made the quietly successful Everyday Shooter. No sudden movements or else you?ll scare him away.
Who He Is: Really? You have to ask? Do Wing Commander, the Ultima Underworld series, System Shock, the Deux Ex series and the Thief series ring any bells? No? You'd best get your bells checked, sir. Dear Warren: Please adopt us. Thank you.
Mark Healy, Alex Evans, Dave Smith, Kareem Ettouney
Who They Are: The team behind Media Molecule, aka "The LittleBigPlanet guys." These guys hold Crispy Gamer's "Smallest Game to Generate Biggest Buzz Award" (which includes a buy-one-get-one-free P'Zone coupon, which is good at any Pizza Hut in the state of New Hampshire).
Who He Is: Game designer for Starfox and Ape Escape, he's more recently known for being a co-founder of Q-Games, the developers of the hellishly addictive (and hellishly difficult) PixelJunk games currently appearing on the PlayStation Network.
Who He Is: Founder of Double Fine Productions, makers of Psychonauts and the upcoming Brutal Legend, Schafer also had his hands in seminal projects like Full Throttle, The Secret of Monkey Island and Day of the Tentacle as a writer and a programmer. In other words, if you see this man, be sure to genuflect. A lot.
For more pre-E3 coverage, check out E3 2008 Predictions: The Crispy Crystal Ball Has the Answers and The 10 Commandments of E3.