Crispy Gamer

The 10 Commandments of E3

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E3 has become a hellhole! Yes, you heard me, brothers and sisters. The gaming gods brought their wrath down on the booth babes and flashing lights of this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah two years ago. Last year, the gods were somewhat pleased with the redefined effort of the faithful, but there were still those who were confused on how to handle themselves.


Have you lost your way? Fear not, brothers and sisters, for we bring the Crispy congregation the dos and don'ts of E3. We hand down to you the 10 Commandments of E3 as seen by our staff in a vision in a burning weed.


Say Hallelujah and be enlightened. Go, and sin no more at E3.

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Thou shalt not talk about how awesome the old E3 was. Ever.



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IX


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Thou shalt not adorn thyself with any blinking or shiny piece of swag of any kind, especially anything that says the words "EA Sports" or "Naruto" on it. Also: Thou shalt stand tall and firm, even in the midst of a G4 camera man's declaration that "you're blocking his shot."



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VIII


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Thou shalt not complaineth about how hungover thou art. Thou shall sucketh it up, taketh some Advil, and dealeth. (photo: staglicious.com)



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VII


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Thou shalt never discuss how swanky thine hotel is with thy neighbor. Remember, many of thine neighbors are staying at the Best Western on Sunset.



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VI


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If thou insist on wearing thine hair in a man-ponytail, thou shalt 1. wash said ponytail on a daily basis, and 2. take care not to let said ponytail brush up against thine fellow attendees and creepeth them out.



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V


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Thou shalt not try to appear cooler than thou really art by telling everyone within earshot how much thou despiseth Los Angeles. No one wants to hear it.



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IV


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If thou sayest anything that remotely soundeth like, "David Jaffe is the Hitchcock of videogames," thou deserveth a great many mighty blows about the face and head.



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III


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Thou shalt keep thine pockets filled with a great many Certs, to prevent breathing your Satan's breath on unsuspecting developers, booth babes or PR girls. Altoids willeth also work. Also: Thou shalt not fall for the wicked charms of any booth babes in hot pants. Just because she smileth at thou does not mean that she liketh thou. You dope.



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II


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Thou shalt doeth no squealing during the Nintendo press conference. Even if a new Zelda game is announced.



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I


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Finally, and lo, thou shalt not decide that the show sucketh before the show even begins. Thou shall wait till at least Wednesday to decide it sucketh.




For more pre-E3 coverage, check out E3 2008 Predictions: The Crispy Crystal Ball Has the Answers and The 10 People We Hope Will Shut the F*** Up at This Year's E3.