Crispy Gamer

The Five Things You Need to Know About Golden Axe: Beast Rider

The 10-Cent Tour: The late '80s arcade game -- and Sega Genesis classic -- gets reinvented as a God of War clone ? but with big, crazy-ass beasts that you can drive around. Um, woot? Maybe?

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1. And Now for a Crispy Public Service Announcement: The first thing that all of you who are making God of War clones should never do is invoke God of War. (Side note: In the past week alone, I've heard two different developers invoke Kratos' superb games in demos.) Honestly, all this does is make us realize how awesome God of War was, and how lame your game is. So don't do it, folks. Do not do it.

2. The game stars the ample-boobed Tyris, a woman who apparently cannot afford clothes, even cheap ones. (Not even from Marshall's.) She wields a big-assed sword; she lops the heads off brain-dead enemies (they weren't really using those brains anyway, so no great loss); blood sprays everywhere; and then Tyris comes across some very big creatures?

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3. ?and this is the point where things get eight-percent more interesting. These big creatures are akin to the cars in the GTA games. See a beast you like? Hop aboard and drive it around for awhile. Some of the beasts breathe fire. Some have nasty tail-whip attacks. And some just roll up their prehistoric sleeves and tear the ass out of every damn thing on the battlefield.

4. Those little hideous gnomes from the original game put in an appearance in Beast Rider. And yes, you still have to follow the ugly little bastards around and whack them to get them to cough up loot and magic, etc. And yes, it's still fun to beat the Stove Top Stuffing out of gnomes.

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5. Remember the Twins from the original? They're back. (You'll fight them separately, and then fight them together. We suggest keeping a spare pair of Hanes nearby while attempting this. You know, in case.) And of course, the one, the only, Death Adder will be present and accounted for to make your life hell ? again.

The Crispy Forecast: Low clouds, high humidity, with a slight chance of a guilty pleasure or two overnight. Personally, I'm fond of God of War clones -- even the crappier ones -- so while more discerning gamers might scoff, this game will no doubt get some play around the Crispy G. offices.

This game is scheduled to be released in September 2008. This feature was based on a publisher-driven demo of the game.