Wii Fit Challenge: Man vs. 12-Pack

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"What the hell were you doing?" he asks.

"It's kind of hard to explain," I say.

Twelver, on the other hand, is down to a trim 13.2 pounds today. The fact that I should now be calling him Elevener (after a moment of sweet indulgence last night) may have something to do with this.

Once again, I toss Twelver (minus one) on the board.

"Hello, Twelver! I'm glad you're here! Let's start training," the pirouetting Wii Fit balance board says.

I decide to see how Twelver might fare at Wii Fit's bevy of mini-games. I click on "Soccer Heading." Balls are sailing at him. Naturally, since Twelver doesn't move, he only hits the balls that come straight on. Anything to the left or right, he loses points on. He winds up with a total of four points. Which is not bad, considering he really didn't do anything except sit there and be 11 beers.

Next, I sign him up for "Ski Slalom." In this mini-game, you careen down the side of a virtual mountain, leaning left and right as you guide your little Mii through pairs of flags (aka "gates").

Again, Twelver does surprisingly well, simply by barreling down the mountain in a straight line. He winds up missing nine gates total ... which really isn't all that much worse that my first try at the event.

DAY FOUR

I've let Twelver/Elevener "cool down" in the fridge overnight. Once he's as cold as my carrots, I decide to reduce him to a Tener. Then a Niner.

Then an Eighter, a Sevener and a Sixer.

Yes, Twelver is fading fast. Buzzville. Population: 1.

Mostly what I feel is disappointment in Wii Fit. If a $13.99 12-pack of beer can score at least a few points in most of the exercises (who knew that inside the 12-pack beat the heart of a yoga master?) then really, what's the point of this damn thing?

In the days after Wii Fit came into my life, as advertised, I did find myself becoming more aware of my posture. No more slouching, no more leaning against walls down in the subway looking like I'm auditioning for the role of "Tough Guy #4" on "Happy Days." And I was indeed more aware of what I ate, when I ate it, and how much of an impact it had on my weight.

While I do have a history of consuming more than my share of beer over the years, I visit the gym a few times a week, I eat salads all the time, and my cholesterol is ridiculously low.

Diva Alert: If I'm obese, lord help the people I saw shopping in Wal-Mart the last time I visited the Midwest.

Oh, and one more thing: The game features that almost nun-like "Where-have-you-been-for-the-past-three-days-young-man" tone that annoyed the hell out of me in Brain Age. (My answer, occasionally spoken aloud: "I HAVE BEEN OUT LIVING MY LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.") There are also some design woes -- example: What the hell am I supposed to do with the Wii remote during exercises? -- that Steve Steinberg will no doubt address in more depth in his review.

As I finish Three-er, Two-er, then One-er -- so long, old Twelver, old pal -- I realize that for all the good karma and good press that Wii Fit generates, for all the right things it does for the medium, sadly, in the end it's still destined for the Hall Closet Hall of Fame, the place where all damned peripherals go to spend eternity.