Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 and the Sickness Unto Death
96 days in the life of a wizard
10/21/2009 10:36 AM | 3 Comments | Page 1 of 2
My name is Mozadus. I'm a wizard in
Majesty 2 and I'm destined for great things. I'll have a room in the Hall of Lords with all the other heroes carried over from scenario to scenario. I'll be called down to Earth to help out when the going gets tough. My name will be spoken in the same breath as Gandalf, Merlin, Dumbledore and Doug Henning.
Day 1: Check out my INT. 15. I bet I could rock Sudoku if we had it. I also have a pretty high STA and STR. For a wizard.
Day 3: This place stinks. There isn't even a marketplace to buy potions at. Normally, a kingdom starts with a marketplace, right? That's just common sense. But this is a scenario in which an evil wizard keeps slamming the castle with some sort of area-effect spell, instantly killing peasants, tax collectors and new heroes like me. The only way to stop the spell is with an upgraded wizard's guild, which pretty much costs all the starting money. So while I'm glad I can come into the kingdom so early, it sucks that there's nothing to do. I pretty much run around, grab chests, and kill wolves. When does the exciting stuff happen so I can prove myself to whoever's up there?
Here's me. Check out that INT.
Every time I go home to rest up, I have to pay taxes. And the tax rate here is 50 percent. Can you believe that shit? Monarchy, my ass. This is socialism. Whoever's king here isn't getting my vote in the next election.
Day 8: I just got a new coworker. His name is Rendi. He thinks he's so smart because he has an INT of 19. Fat lot of good that's going to do him with his STA of 3. The little pantywaist only has 33 hit points. And he keeps stealing my kills. Hey, dude, I have this wolf under control! Because in case you haven't noticed, I have a magic attack of 40 and way more than 33 hit points. So f***ing get your own wolf.
Day 9: Another new hire. HR must be working overtime. This dude's name is Saramen. Can you believe it? I bet he thinks it makes him sound like Saruman or Sauron. Nice try, new guy. You wish. I hope these dudes don't think they're getting into the Hall of Lords. Because I got news for them. Only one of us gets to go, and it's not going to be some guy with 33 hit points. It's not going to be some guy who thinks his name makes him sound like a Dark Lord. When the end rolls around, one hero gets picked and only one. The rest of you will be forgotten forever.
Day 11: Ding. Level 5. I run around casting magic shield just because I can. It adds 50 points to my melee, ranged, and magic protection, but I don't even really need it. It looks good on me, though. The purple glowing rings. I'm like an Earth-bound Jupiter or Saturn or some shit. The peasant chicks check me out when I've got it on. I bet I could totally get with one of them. Also, Saramen is still only level 1. What a f***ing loser. Have fun passing into oblivion after this scenario is over.
Day 12: Shopping day! I roll up into the blacksmith with a wad of gold thick enough to choke a horse. I get some bitchin' improved cloth armor and an improved magic weapon for only 50 gold. Of course, that dumbass Rendi comes in right behind me and gets the exact same outfit! What a tool.
Day 13: Back at the guild, I get a fireball spell for only 5 gold pieces. If you think I was styling with the magic shield, you should totally check me out when I shoot a fireball out of my hands. I can one-shot a wolf. Sweet. Hall of Lords, here I come.
The new clerics are totally into me.
There goes the neighborhood. This kingdom used to be a place just for wizards. Now we've got a warrior's guild. With it, we get some thickheaded dipshits named Sir Egon, Sir Keilan and Sir Voyt Ironhead. I'm totally not making that last one up. You might wonder what kind of name that is. It is Irish, German, Dwarvish, what? I'll tell you what kind of name it is. It's the kind of name a guy gets when his INT is 3. And you know what else we get besides a bunch of douchebags with plate mail and dumb names? A sewer entrance. But does it open up next to the warrior's guild that caused it to appear? Noooo It's just outside of town next to the wizard's guild. So not only do we have to deal with the stink, but we also have to deal with the rats attacking us first. They're hardly worth the effort, although that dumbass Saramen seems to enjoy it. Figures. He's still wearing basic cloth armor. What a retard. No one gets into the Hall of Lords with basic cloth armor. Hey, Saramen, do some of your cantrips for us!
Day 20: The latest round of hires is a bunch of hot cleric chicks. They're only level 1. I pop off a fireball, flash my magic shield, and pretend not to notice them. But they keep following me around. Yeah. They're totally into me. I bet I could get with one of them if I wanted to. Hey, ladies, guess who's the highest-level character in this kingdom?
Moi. You can heal me if you want, but I'm maxed out on healing potions and have more money than I can spend.
Day 22: So I'm grabbing some loot chests near a wolves' den when a giant flag falls out of the sky and attaches itself to the den. It promises 500 gold to anyone who trashes the place. I could care less. I'm rich. Let these noobs scramble after this filthy lucre. I don't need it. F*** it. I go home.
Day 23: The wizards guild is selling weapon enchantments. For 100 gold, my weapon does five extra points of magic damage. I now do 61 damage with my magic attack. Six one, bitches. Now you might wonder how good that is. I'll tell you. Dumbass Sir Voyt Ironhead only does 16 melee damage. You don't get into the Hall of Lords if you only do 16 melee damage.
It sucks that I'm not a team leader, but at least we're rocking these fire elementals.
Finally, a little excitement. Sir Egon the Worthy comes running back into town with only 50 hit points left and a werewolf nipping at his ass. A werewolf! The werewolf kills him. How's that for "Worthy"? Saramen freezes the werewolf with an ice arrow and probably thinks he's hot shit for doing it. Then I join in, opening with a bad-ass fireball. It turns into a big dogpile, mainly because there's a 500-gold bounty on the werewolf. Yeah, that brings everyone out of the woodwork. The werewolf is a tough fight, because the f***er heals up as we're beating on him. It takes a while, but we eventually put him down. I ding up to level 7.
Day 32: I thought it was bad when these dumbass warriors joined us. Turns out that was nothing. Now we've got a bunch of lazy, smelly dwarf immigrants from the north. They're down here stealing our jobs. They're probably not even paying taxes. At least we don't have a bunch of goddamn elves here. I don't trust those flighty guys. They try to indoctrinate others into their lifestyle.
Day 40: I single handedly f*** up a minotaur attacking a peasant house at the north end of town. A fireball, an ice arrow, and he's dead. Suck it, bitch. Say my name. Mozadus.
Day 42: I solo another minotaur no problem. I'd like to see Rendi do that.
Day 54: Okay, this place is lousy with minotaurs. I bet it's the dwarves that brought them. I knew those dwarves were going to be trouble. We didn't use to have minotaurs before they arrived.
