Crispy Gamer

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 and the Sickness Unto Death

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My name is Mozadus. I'm a wizard in Majesty 2 and I'm destined for great things. I'll have a room in the Hall of Lords with all the other heroes carried over from scenario to scenario. I'll be called down to Earth to help out when the going gets tough. My name will be spoken in the same breath as Gandalf, Merlin, Dumbledore and Doug Henning.

Day 1: Check out my INT. 15. I bet I could rock Sudoku if we had it. I also have a pretty high STA and STR. For a wizard.

Day 3: This place stinks. There isn't even a marketplace to buy potions at. Normally, a kingdom starts with a marketplace, right? That's just common sense. But this is a scenario in which an evil wizard keeps slamming the castle with some sort of area-effect spell, instantly killing peasants, tax collectors and new heroes like me. The only way to stop the spell is with an upgraded wizard's guild, which pretty much costs all the starting money. So while I'm glad I can come into the kingdom so early, it sucks that there's nothing to do. I pretty much run around, grab chests, and kill wolves. When does the exciting stuff happen so I can prove myself to whoever's up there?

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 Diary
Here's me. Check out that INT.

Day 4: Every time I go home to rest up, I have to pay taxes. And the tax rate here is 50 percent. Can you believe that shit? Monarchy, my ass. This is socialism. Whoever's king here isn't getting my vote in the next election.

Day 8: I just got a new coworker. His name is Rendi. He thinks he's so smart because he has an INT of 19. Fat lot of good that's going to do him with his STA of 3. The little pantywaist only has 33 hit points. And he keeps stealing my kills. Hey, dude, I have this wolf under control! Because in case you haven't noticed, I have a magic attack of 40 and way more than 33 hit points. So f***ing get your own wolf.

Day 9: Another new hire. HR must be working overtime. This dude's name is Saramen. Can you believe it? I bet he thinks it makes him sound like Saruman or Sauron. Nice try, new guy. You wish. I hope these dudes don't think they're getting into the Hall of Lords. Because I got news for them. Only one of us gets to go, and it's not going to be some guy with 33 hit points. It's not going to be some guy who thinks his name makes him sound like a Dark Lord. When the end rolls around, one hero gets picked and only one. The rest of you will be forgotten forever.

Day 11: Ding. Level 5. I run around casting magic shield just because I can. It adds 50 points to my melee, ranged, and magic protection, but I don't even really need it. It looks good on me, though. The purple glowing rings. I'm like an Earth-bound Jupiter or Saturn or some shit. The peasant chicks check me out when I've got it on. I bet I could totally get with one of them. Also, Saramen is still only level 1. What a f***ing loser. Have fun passing into oblivion after this scenario is over.

Day 12: Shopping day! I roll up into the blacksmith with a wad of gold thick enough to choke a horse. I get some bitchin' improved cloth armor and an improved magic weapon for only 50 gold. Of course, that dumbass Rendi comes in right behind me and gets the exact same outfit! What a tool.

Day 13: Back at the guild, I get a fireball spell for only 5 gold pieces. If you think I was styling with the magic shield, you should totally check me out when I shoot a fireball out of my hands. I can one-shot a wolf. Sweet. Hall of Lords, here I come.

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 Diary
The new clerics are totally into me.

Day 15: There goes the neighborhood. This kingdom used to be a place just for wizards. Now we've got a warrior's guild. With it, we get some thickheaded dipshits named Sir Egon, Sir Keilan and Sir Voyt Ironhead. I'm totally not making that last one up. You might wonder what kind of name that is. It is Irish, German, Dwarvish, what? I'll tell you what kind of name it is. It's the kind of name a guy gets when his INT is 3. And you know what else we get besides a bunch of douchebags with plate mail and dumb names? A sewer entrance. But does it open up next to the warrior's guild that caused it to appear? Noooo It's just outside of town next to the wizard's guild. So not only do we have to deal with the stink, but we also have to deal with the rats attacking us first. They're hardly worth the effort, although that dumbass Saramen seems to enjoy it. Figures. He's still wearing basic cloth armor. What a retard. No one gets into the Hall of Lords with basic cloth armor. Hey, Saramen, do some of your cantrips for us!

Day 20: The latest round of hires is a bunch of hot cleric chicks. They're only level 1. I pop off a fireball, flash my magic shield, and pretend not to notice them. But they keep following me around. Yeah. They're totally into me. I bet I could get with one of them if I wanted to. Hey, ladies, guess who's the highest-level character in this kingdom? Moi. You can heal me if you want, but I'm maxed out on healing potions and have more money than I can spend.

Day 22: So I'm grabbing some loot chests near a wolves' den when a giant flag falls out of the sky and attaches itself to the den. It promises 500 gold to anyone who trashes the place. I could care less. I'm rich. Let these noobs scramble after this filthy lucre. I don't need it. F*** it. I go home.

Day 23: The wizards guild is selling weapon enchantments. For 100 gold, my weapon does five extra points of magic damage. I now do 61 damage with my magic attack. Six one, bitches. Now you might wonder how good that is. I'll tell you. Dumbass Sir Voyt Ironhead only does 16 melee damage. You don't get into the Hall of Lords if you only do 16 melee damage.

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 Diary
It sucks that I'm not a team leader, but at least we're rocking these fire elementals.

Day 28: Finally, a little excitement. Sir Egon the Worthy comes running back into town with only 50 hit points left and a werewolf nipping at his ass. A werewolf! The werewolf kills him. How's that for "Worthy"? Saramen freezes the werewolf with an ice arrow and probably thinks he's hot shit for doing it. Then I join in, opening with a bad-ass fireball. It turns into a big dogpile, mainly because there's a 500-gold bounty on the werewolf. Yeah, that brings everyone out of the woodwork. The werewolf is a tough fight, because the f***er heals up as we're beating on him. It takes a while, but we eventually put him down. I ding up to level 7.

Day 32: I thought it was bad when these dumbass warriors joined us. Turns out that was nothing. Now we've got a bunch of lazy, smelly dwarf immigrants from the north. They're down here stealing our jobs. They're probably not even paying taxes. At least we don't have a bunch of goddamn elves here. I don't trust those flighty guys. They try to indoctrinate others into their lifestyle.

Day 40: I single handedly f*** up a minotaur attacking a peasant house at the north end of town. A fireball, an ice arrow, and he's dead. Suck it, bitch. Say my name. Mozadus.

Day 42: I solo another minotaur no problem. I'd like to see Rendi do that.

Day 54: Okay, this place is lousy with minotaurs. I bet it's the dwarves that brought them. I knew those dwarves were going to be trouble. We didn't use to have minotaurs before they arrived.

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Day 60: These stupid warriors keep crossing the map to whack on minotaur dens. They seem to think we should be fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here. But I'm doing just fine on the homeland security front. That's another reason I know I'm going to be asked to stay. Because I look after the kingdom.

Day 67: So here's what pisses me off. When I started, I had to bust my ass to level up. I killed wolves and rats. I defended the town and explored the map. It wasn't easy. In my day, we had to work for our levels. But these goddamn Johnny-come-lately rangers get to level 7 in no time by riding our f***ing coattails. They earn 1,000 gold by just strolling out to an exploration flag. Then they come back here and spend it on bling as if they actually earned it. It's a handout is what it is. Goddamn welfare state. Socialism.

Day 72: Okay, this isn't good. I died fighting a fire elemental. At which point, that jackass Saramen finished off the fire elemental that I had weakened. I resurrect without a gold piece to my name. But then 500 gold pieces fall out the sky right in front of me, attached to an exploration flag. Someone up there likes me. I'm guessing he's going to be calling me into the Hall of Lords once we take care of this Dark Mage situation.

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 Diary
A stupid dwarf soloing the Dark Tower.

Day 76: So we get called to a meeting at the inn. I figure it's going to be some sort of announcement about me being the guy who's going to be picked. But it's not that. Instead, I get put on a team with a ranger, a cleric and a warrior. Since I have seniority, you'd think I'd be put in charge. But no. The ranger is the team leader. Do you know how much it sucks to work for someone with less experience than you? Is it because I let that fire elemental kill me? Because I promise it won't happen again.

Day 79: This teamwork stuff is pretty nice, I guess. We're picking off fire elementals right and left, without breaking a sweat. But it's mostly because of me. I'd like to see how long these losers last without me nuking everything for them. I just hope whoever up there notices what a good job I'm doing. See, I told you these fire elementals wouldn't be a problem anymore.

Day 81: Voyt Ironhead and Sarumen stumble upon the Dark Tower, surrounded by defensive Mage's Statues. They both die. Losers.

Day 83: At first it was pretty cool seeing the Hall of Lords go up. 'That's where I'm going to live,' I thought. But then out comes Argoth, a wizard who thinks he's a big shot because he's level 18. Who the hell does he think he is? He's put into a party with a dwarf, a warrior, and a cleric. They proceed to clear out all the Mage's Statues. I should be doing that. I've been here since I was first level, when this place was just a castle, a bunch of peasant houses, and a wizard's guild. I was here before we even had a marketplace. But they bring in some guy from outside the kingdom to be the hero? How the f*** is that fair? I bust my ass and this guy gets to come in and mop up after I've done all the hard work?

Day 88: After clearing out the Mage's Statues, Argoth and his buddies have to go home to rest up. But now a dwarf named Bivvar Calluspaw is trashing the Dark Tower all by himself. And here I am fighting rats and ratmen coming from the sewer entrance, waiting on my stupid team to move out.

Rush, Boom, Turtle: Majesty 2 Diary
Here's me and my coworkers beating up the Dark Mage and saving the world.

Day 92: Calluspaw has been banging on the Dark Tower with two fire elementals pounding on him the entire time. He takes it down from 6,000 hit points to 24 hit points before finally giving up and going home. You can bet someone who doesn't finish what he starts isn't going to get invited into the Hall of Lords. Then a lightning bolt comes out of the clear blue sky and trashes the last of the tower's hit points. I should have been there. I could have done 24 points of damage without even using any mana. That xp should be mine. Now the Dark Mage himself emerges from the rubble and starts heading for town.

Day 94: With a 5,000-gold bounty on the Dark Mage, everyone sits up and notices. Everyone in the kingdom heads for him, but my team gets to him first. I do my fireball-and-ice-arrow combo. Then up comes the other party with that jackass Argoth and that stinky dwarf, Pillur Geargrinder, leading the way. The dwarf stuns him. Everyone whales away on this wizard, but by god, I'm getting my licks in. This is my last chance to show that I'm the one who should go to the Hall of Lords. Please let it be me. Please don't let me just disappear when this is over. Look at how hard I'm casting these spells. Look at my magic shield. Look at me being level 14 and kicking serious Dark Mage ass. I was here from the very beginning. I'm here in this strategy game where most of us only get one go-round before vanishing forever. I'm here instead of in an RPG or an MMO. I'm here and I deserve more than one scenario.

Day 96: The Dark Mage is dead and now he's going to pick which one of us goes to the Hall of Lords. He's moving his cursor. Oh god, he's not going to pick me, is he? It's going to be that stupid-ass dwarf Biwar Calluspaw, or one of those clerics, or those f***ing upstart rangers who barely had to work for their levels. It's just not fair. It's not. Please click on me, please click on me, please click on me, not him, not that one, he didn't do anything, he's not--