DLC MC: Beware DSiWare

9/29/2009 2:21 PM | 6 Comments | Page 1 of 2

When Nintendo's DSi handheld was first released last April 5, the third iteration of the DS came with a $10 coupon for downloadable games. How cool, how hip, I thought. Cool as a Mario in Doc Martens. I immediately downloaded two games. Man, was I wrong.

Every time I tried to begin the picture-taking game, WarioWare: Snapped!, a message would say, "Recognition failed. Player's skin tone and background color are too similar." It said this when I was in front of a white background, an orange background and a black background. As frustration built, I got this weird feeling that I wasn't human anymore, that I was a ghost that couldn't be seen -- not just by the DSi, but by anyone. Screw you, Wario. I am human and alive and therefore fail to recognize your crappy DSi game.

I moved on to something called Aquia, Art Style Series. On the first screen, the name changed to Art Style: Aquia. Whatever; it's like Tetris. You clear blocks with the help of an underwater diver. But there is a lot of instruction. That's not like Tetris. Tetris is easy to understand. With Tetris, you don't really need language.

Aquia has all these inane, semi-inscrutable instructions. Some of them I could read by tapping the touch-screen. Some of them made me hit a button. Once, when I moved to a previous page, the instructions changed to Spanish. Screw you, Aquia and that 4-bit-looking diver. Screw you for making me feel dumb. Screw you for all of my problems.

I shut the DSi off. I didn't pick up the DSi to look at downloadable content for months. When I returned, I went to the Nintendo DSi Shop. You get that pseudo-'70s game show music when you go, similar to the music you get on the Wii. It's snappy, but somehow depressing, like elevator music at Macy's.

It wouldn't let me proceed. I had to install a system update. The DSi beeped a lot when it was downloading the new software. It sounded like that beeping sound down the hatch in "Lost"; you know, the one that had Desmond trapped and ever-vigilant at the computer screen because something bad would happen if he left his watch.

Beep. Beep. Beep. This is not good, I kept thinking. Something is going to blow up. Little green dots flickered as the three-minute download entered the DSi system. This all sounded and looked so menacing. Couldn't they have had Mario running from Bowser or Mr. Miyamoto doing a jig or something?

I restarted the thing. This time, I turned the volume down as I browsed. There was this red message that said, "Important." Whenever I see something in red like that, I think someone is out to get me for a bill I haven't paid. But I paid all my bills. Maybe Nintendo wanted to charge me for WarioWare and Aquia after all.

With trepidation, I tapped on the word "Important." Actually, it was a press release for DSiWare games for the week of 9/21/2009. For 500 points ($5), I could purchase a version of Clubhouse Games that included Backgammon. But I already have Clubhouse Games. And there was nothing new about these casual offerings. I could get versions for free on the Web.

The other title was MySims Camera for 200 points. "You can take photos and overlay 3D MySims characters to bring them into the real world." Bringing Sims into the real world scared me. It made me think I'd have to understand that Simlish language. Or Spanish. Or Spanish Simlish.

I started browsing again. There was this orange frog there on the page. I like frogs. I actually saw a real orange frog at the Museum of Natural History once. Maybe the frog would be my friend and turn into a beautiful princess. I tapped its amphibian cuteness and waited. Unlike Aquia, there was no description at all at the next screen, except the words "Flipnote Studio: Animation Tool: Free." If it's free, it's for me and I'll take three. So far, so good: It didn't want to make the Sims real or anything.