Developer: Banpresto

Publisher: Atlus

Release Date: April 28, 2009

System: Nintendo DS

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 I know nothing about this game except for the fact that it came with a soundtrack CD in the mail a few months ago, and has since been making me feel guilty from the bookcase.

0:01 An old-fashioned sword and a futuristic robo-sword (?) clash on the top screen against a blue sky. Some entertaining pop synth plays as the title appears.

0:02 "What made the world the way it is? Some say it has existed for tens of thousands of years. Others say it was always like this. But no one knows the truth..." Apparently, our universe encountered people from another world decades ago. The war and confusion this brought ended eventually, but now, 23 years later, a place called Endless Frontier has people of different races and time periods living together. That's right, TIME PERIODS! Don't ask me, I just work here.

0:03 "Well, here we are. Let's get goin', Aschen," says a cowboy-looking feller named Haken. "Roger," is the reply from a busty girl in a futuristic green jumpsuit. Uh...

0:04 Just like that I'm in control, walking the cowboy around a gray spaceship-looking corridor from an overhead, RPG-style viewpoint.

0:05 Rocks are in my way, but I destroy them with a quick sword strike. I find a healing pill, a mind pill and a Power Drink amidst the rubble. Awesome-sauce!

0:06 There's a big computer at the end of the hall? Oh, no, it's actually an entrance hatch to an airship ... the airship that brought us to this world, apparently. After 23 years, we have permission to search the airship to figure out what was here.

0:07 Aschen has to go into "Overdrive" to hack the password to the airship door, which turns her from cold, precise robot to super-party girl. Of course, in this mode she decides just to break the door down, instead.

0:09 A wall of text tries to explain the battle system to me. Cancels, Frontier Gauge, Overdrive Attack, COM points, Cancelling, Hit Counters, Switching Characters Mid-Attack. No way I'm gonna keep all this stuff straight ... guess I'll figure it out as I go.

0:11 Well, that was interesting. My first battle starts with my characters sliding in from the side and speaking Japanese. I choose to attack one of the droid enemies, but the game just waits for more input. I hit A and do an attack, knocking the enemy into the air. Instinctually, I hit A a few more times to juggle the hapless droid with a variety of flashy gun/sword attacks. I eventually KO with a big combo finish that knocks him against the back wall. Aschen does similar juggling with an arm cannon and a robotic extendo-arm. She also says "Lyet's Gyo!" In the worst Engrish I've ever heard.

0:13 I found a Joss Stick lying under a rock. Does that call in Joss Whedon to make the game more comprehensible?

0:14 A locked door means a search for a key card. Another random droid battle... One of the robots does two burning attacks to Haken in short succession, knocking him out already. WHAT? I'm not supposed to die to the second pushover enemy! This is not how RPGs work! Luckily, Aschen uses a smelling-salts item to bring him back. It doesn't even use up her attack turn! Nice!

0:16 Finished the battle. So far I don't have any strategy past jamming the A button to string combos together. Maybe that IS all the strategy. Who knows?

0:18 Exploring rooms, looking for the key, I find what Haken calls a "big girl" sleeping. She's only 170 cm tall, Aschen says, but "if you are talking about her bust, I'd estimate it to be 100 cm." Haken's response of "......!" seems about right.

0:19 Quote of the moment: "Hey, sleeping booty. Have a nice nap?" Sigh.

0:20 The girl is Kaguya Nanbu. She's wearing some sort of revealing, black-and-white kimono/mini-dress combo. She snuck into the airship and set off the security. Haken mentions that he's a bounty hunter, and Aschen adds that she's "serving him in all respects." That's what she said! Hey-ooo!

0:22 Aschen uses her robotic data banks to find out that Kaguya is a princess on her home world and that there's a bounty on her head! We're gonna take her home ... FOR MONIES! Also, she had the keycard we needed.

0:23 Another battle, this time with more powerful droids. Kaguya isn't very powerful, but has some nice animation as she knocks the droids about with a sword that releases ... flying mini-scythes? Whatever...

0:26 Playing around in the menu a bit, I figure out how to use magic to restore health. Also playing around with the chaining system, which lets me call in other characters to assist in the juggling once the initial attacker has tired out. Seems pretty simple, and can keep those high-damage combos going longer, but it's not always available.

0:28 Battle done. Haken and Aschen gained a level; Haken learned a new Spirit. Yay!

0:30 Another save point precedes a door that requires a Level 3 keycard. Then, another battle. Wish I had any idea what the characters were saying before and after the battles. They didn't even put in subtitles? I'm loving the music, though.

0:32 Random messages like "F.Gague +3" and "Shy" keep popping up during battles. Wish I knew what they meant.

0:34 Kaguya's "Heal All" ability is costly, but incredibly awesome.

0:35 I just found some Mochi Balls under a rock. Updates (such as whether I die when I eat them) as warranted.

0:36 I run into a robot that looks like the Ninja from Metal Gear Solid in a room full of coffins. "Is he a kakakuri like you, Aschen?" asks Kaguya. She answers yes, although I have no idea what the question even means. Of course it's a boss battle.

0:38 The boss is actually TWO kakakuris. I use some spirits to increase the TEC and CRT for various characters. Wish I knew what those were...

0:43 I'm getting pretty good at timing my chain attacks, I think. If I hit A at the right time instead of just jamming it, I seem to get more critical hits and fewer misses.

0:44 Some flashing gauge at the bottom of the top screen has filled up to "MAX," but I can't figure out what it represents or how to use whatever it is.

0:45 Finally finished the robots off. Aschen gained a level and learned a "Mentality," whatever that is.

0:46 Our search for another key leads to this quote of the moment from Aschen: "Why don't you check between her boobs, Captain Staresalot!? You're spending enough time ogling them." HA! BOOBS!

0:47 We can't get through the Level 2 door, so we walk off back to our ship. As we leave, someone walks through the door from the other side. It's a woman with a midriff-revealing pink battle outfit and a huge rack. Jeez, is this game nothing but fan service?

0:48 Back at "Zeit," which is our home ship, I guess. I talk to Lee, a tiger in a fez. No I am not kidding. He manages to resist eating Kaguya because it "could start an interdimensional incident." Haha, those tigers ... such jokesters. There's also a half-elf woman who seems to be running the place. Surprisingly she's dressed conservatively.

0:50 Lots of backstory chatter goes here. Our next bounty is a "Phantom" from a 10-year war on the elf world. A lot of jargon about Personal Trooper robots from that war, which are apparently similar to the "Nacht" and "Abend" robots. They just throw this stuff out there and expect us to give a fig? It's SO expositional!

0:52 I take this opportunity in the ship to rest up and save. I also read up a bit in the tutorials. I find out that TEC means TEChnical ability/accuracy and CRT means CRiTical hit rate. OK then!

0:54 Walking around a dusty overworld. Based on the look of the main characters and the world, I'd say this game wants to be "Cowboy Bebop." It's nowhere near as cool, though.

0:57 Ugh, another random battle, this time with two robots and a little blue rabbit with HUGE ears. Yawn.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? I'm sure there are people out there with the time and inclination to figure out all the intricacies of this game's story and battle system. I am not one of those people.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.



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