Developer: Panic Button

Publisher: Majesco

Release Date: June 9, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

0:00 I know that these games are designed for groups of two or more tweens, and I am one 26-year-old man. Still, it's been sitting on my shelf for weeks now, so away we go.

0:01 The box art intriguingly features a scoreboard with the names Jack, Jill, Bart and Nozawa. Nozawa? Really? That ... doesn't seem to fit with the others.

0:02 The preview screen features a burly man in flannel hitting a tree and shouting "TIIIIMBERRRR!" After quite a bit of loading, the title screen comes up with the same lumberjack in the foreground. Behind him, a slight girl holding a chainsaw that's almost bigger than her. Also there's a pirate, for some reason. The calliope synth music is truly awful, as you might imagine.

0:04 Plain ol' Easy, Medium or Hard for difficulty. Since this is designed for tots, I go with Hard. "HAAAARD!" says an unseen voice, creepily.

0:05 Sawing is first up in Free Play, with the Solo Cross Cut.

0:06 Look at that, my choices for characters are Jack, Jill, Bart and Nozawa. The latter is a ninja, and the second-to-last is a pirate. What is this, Pirates vs. Ninjas Lumbersports? "Velly Good!" says the extremely stereotypical ninja as I choose him.

0:07 There's a Wii Balance Board control option? No way! Let me get it out of the closet. One sec.

0:09 OK, so apparently I have to saw three pieces off a log by leaning left and right on the Balance Board. I'm pretty sure that's not how the real lumberjacks do it ... wouldn't the Wii Remote be a better sawing analogue? Were they just throwing in these Balance Board controls? Anyway, I end up doing a kind of shuffle step to shift my weight incredibly quickly. Three logs cut in 23 seconds win the day. "I win, haha," says Nozawa in stereotypical Japanese. "Aw shucks," says Jill. "I walk the plank," says Bart. "I can't believe it!" says Jack. Man, those sayings are gonna get tired REALLY quickly!

0:11 As if the exclamations weren't enough, there's a quick, over-the-top trophy presentation too. Ninjas always win!" says Nozawa. I've unlocked the Limb Cut game, which I'll take on next.

0:15 This one is much more interesting than I expected. It's like a rhythm game, with yellow and red pegs falling down the sides of a tall log in time with some pleasantly twangy music. I have to lean in the right direction to hit the yellow pegs and avoid the red ones. The Balance Board is just a little wonky, though, making it hard to put together combos or change sides quickly. I get better at the end but still end up in fourth place. One more try, this time just using the Remote.

0:19 I fall behind early when the controls don't work the way I expect. Apparently I have to tap A, 1 and 2 in time with the pegs, depending on their location. This is MUCH easier than with the Balance Board, but still requires some good thumb reflexes. I catch up at the very end with a perfect run that gets me first place. I am way too psyched about this.

0:20 I switch to Bart the pirate for Hot Saw because, in the last event, he snapped a chainsaw in where his hook used to be and that is AWESOME!

0:22 I have to lean to keep an arrow in a constantly moving green section of a thin bar. Not sure what this has to do with real sawing, but whatever. My leaning is insufficient, though, as I lose by a mere 2.1 seconds. This will not stand! Retry.

0:24 I focus a bit and figure out the patterns of the swaying green section this time around, winning by just 0.3 seconds. I wish I could have seen the exciting animations that I'm sure were going on in the background, but I was too focused on the little green bar.

0:25 Chop and Kick involves leaning left and right to cut, then swinging Wii Remote to kick out pieces. Do they think people are playing this upside down?

0:26 Axe Throwing is up next, in "First to 1000" mode. Uh, is this gonna take long ... I have somewhere to be.

0:27 It's just another point-and-shoot gallery, with a bunch of targets popping up in a field. Targets that are farther away and moving are worth more points, but you can only throw one axe at a time, so no spamming the fire button. The three opponents playing at the same time add a little intensity, since they steal all my targets just as I'm about to hit them. Jill gets to 1000 points while I'm only at 540. Wha? Rematch!

0:31 I didn't change my strategy at all this time, but I did get first place easily. I was just faster and more accurate on the draw, I guess. This could be a fun enough little mini-game for four people -- for about four minutes!

0:32 Other axe-throwing games are "Time Limit" and "Color Chaos." I'll save those for the end, if I have time.

0:34 Oh look, another game based around stutter-stepping left and right, this time to climb up a huge log. They also added dropping water balloons to dodge with the Wii Remote (but who's dropping them? There's no one at the top of the log!). I finish behind by a second the first time, but ahead by 0.3 seconds the second time. I'm working up a little sweat here, actually.

0:37 This next game, Underhand Chopping, is the worst one yet ... I have to hit buttons on the Wii Remote or lean as indicated, then swing the Remote to swing the axe. Isn't the whole point of the Balance Board and Wii Remote to simulate real-world motions? So why am I tapping buttons and leaning in response to prompts and not in response to realistic stimuli?

0:40 I got fourth place on my first try, but I focus a bit and win by a good two seconds on the rematch. It's a hollow victory, as the Balance Board routinely acknowledged leaning that I wasn't even trying to do.

0:41 Quote of the moment, from Bart, upon his selection: "I'm a pirate." Well thanks for clearing that up!

0:42 Block Chopping is EXACTLY the same as Underhand Chopping, except this time you swing the Remote to the SIDE! I'd save it for the end, but I need it to unlock the interesting-sounding water events. Sigh.

0:43 Feeling lazy and bored, I do the Wii Remote version, leaving the Balance Board to rot. This one just involves hitting A and B like the game says, then swinging. I end up in a tie for first, which is good enough for me!

0:45 Log Splitting is a timing game. I have to hold a button and swing when the moving arrow is in a green section. The only problem is the short delay between my swing and the on-screen chop. I can't figure it out, and lose by 21 points. OK, trying again.

0:47 Ah ... my problem was I wasn't swinging fast enough. Now that I've got the quick wrist snap down, I get first place easily, missing only three swings total.

0:50 Oh goody, another log-chopping game just like the first two. This time, though, I have to use the Wii pointer to place climbable planks in the sections I cut out of the long log. I lose by a massive 15 seconds the first time through, because I'm standing too close to the screen and I can't find the pointer. I scoot back the second time and do much better, winning by six whole seconds. I feel no joy at this achievement.

0:54 All right, on to Log Rolling. I have to lean left and right on the Balance Board to keep a yellow arrow in a gently swaying, shrinking green section or an arc. At least it involves balance, like real log-rolling, but it still doesn't seem like a great analogue. Nor does it seem very interesting. I get first place on my first try and struggle to stay awake.

0:59 This last game of the hour is all about running on a constantly flowing bed of logs on a river, while avoiding obstacles with a jump. It plays like one of the worse Mario Party mini-games. I fail twice, but I can't say I'm too broken up about it.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? It's boring and repetitive and boring and repetitive.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.



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