Crispy Gamer

The Fryer, Vol. 14

Submitted by Kyle Orland on Thu, 06/25/2009 - 11:18
in

Left 4 Dead 2 boycott group offers manifesto, new demands

Bolstered by a swelling membership of 35,000 Steam members, the Left 4 Dead 2 boycott group has offered an addendum to the modest initial list of requests it made to Valve in the wake of E3.

The Fryer, Vol. 14
The Left 4 Dead 2 boycott group has expanded its demands.

The bold new list of demands was part of a typewritten manifesto hand-delivered to the offices of many major gaming news outlets, including the Fryer. "Our numbers are too great to be ignored," reads the rambling, 10-page manifesto, in part. "Valve wish to silence us but they can sense our power like a Hunter lurking around a corner. They think they can ignore us but the tongue of the Smoker is slowly constricting their necks. And they don't even know it!"

A complete list of the new demands from the group follows:

  • That owners of the PC version of Left 4 Dead be given a free copy of the Xbox 360 version, so they can play with their friends on Xbox Live.

  • That owners of the PC version of Left 4 Dead who don't own an Xbox 360 be provided one, for the reason cited above.

  • That Left 4 Dead players be able to link their Xbox Live account to their Steam account, so they don't have to get the Achievements on both the Xbox 360 and PC versions.

  • That new and existing Left 4 Dead players be provided with a voucher for a year of broadband Internet access, so they can enjoy the online content Valve promised.

  • That Valve provide a coupon for microphone-equipped headsets to all Left 4 Dead players, so they can talk to their fellow players and enjoy the game the way Valve intended.

  • That Valve create and release at least one of the following every week: a new map; a new type of zombie; a new weapon; a new party member; a new multiplayer game type; an entirely new, free downloadable game.

  • That Valve create some sort of "anti-Boomer goggles" item because we're tired of having our in-game vision obscured by vomit.

  • That Valve provide every Left 4 Dead owner with a puppy, to make up for psychological scars incurred by killing so many zombies.

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    L.A. Convention Center Neighbors File Complaints Over E3

    While E3's 2009 overhaul was a big hit with both analysts and industry members, not everyone was happy with the return to the raucous E3 of old. The Los Angeles County Police Department recorded dozens of complaints, from neighbors living next door to the convention center, regarding loud noise, "lascivious behavior" and "general weirdness" from attendees.

    The Fryer, Vol. 14
    Efforts by Los Angeles police officers to establish order at E3 2009 were foiled by videogames.

    The Fryer has obtained official police reports from 33 Los Angeles residents who called in to complain about E3 and its attendees. Many residents complained of "deafening noise" coming from the hall, despite the fact that the games were separated from the streets surrounding the convention center by hundreds of yards. "It felt like there was a rock band inside my house," said one citizen who lives a few miles away from the convention center and complained the noise made her "miss my TV stories." Another L.A. resident complained the loud game demos were "spooking my fluffykins."

    Among the other E3-related complaints logged by the police during the show:

    • "I saw a man walking down the street in a hedgehog costume. Is there a law against that?"

    • "People keep staring at me like they've never seen a woman before."

    • "The smell of sweat and dried flatulence surrounding the convention center is even worse than usual."

      A police spokeman said officers who went to the show in an attempt to address the complaints invariably got distracted by the games on display, stumbling out into the Los Angeles sun hours later "in a daze."

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      Uwe Boll: I'd "like to ruin Fallout next."

      The Fryer, Vol. 14
      Director Uwe Boll has set his sights on another beloved gaming franchise.

      Infamous videogame film director/producer Uwe Boll may have moved on to non-game related movie releases in recent months, but he's not done screwing up storied gaming franchises yet. In fact, in an exclusive interview with the Fryer, Boll said that he'd "like to ruin Fallout next."

      "The rich, post-apocalyptic world and high brand-recognition of the Fallout universe is the perfect fit for my terrible brand of quick cash-in film-making." Boll said. "When I heard that Bethesda had filed a trademark for a Fallout movie, I immediately got in touch and told them I would love to make a mockery of this storied franchise on the silver screen."

      Boll, whose movie adapatations like "Alone in the Dark," "Postal" and "BloodRayne" have earned him scorn from many gamers, said he's already spent weeks brainstorming ways to screw up the carefully crafted world of Fallout 3, specifically. "OK, so losing the mom at the beginning, that's too depressing. We'll keep her and give her REALLY big knockers," Boll said. "And a short skirt. And she should be bending over to pick things up a lot. Oh man, my sound-effects guy is going to LOVE screwing with this character."

      During the interview, Boll also discussed messing with the film version of the game by adding lots of ridiculous accents, a heavy-handed political message and "of course, more flatulence."

      While Boll did indicate that Bethesda was lukewarm on his initial offer, he mentioned he had a pile of money in a German bank that he was "relatively sure could change [their] minds."

      Editor's note: These stories are 100-percent satire. Yes, Kyle Orland made it all up.