Developer: Team 17

Publisher: Codemasters

Release Date: March 27, 2009

System: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3, PC, mobile phone

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

0:00 One of my fondest childhood memories is teaming up with my friends to try to fool the trivia age-confirmation engine for the original Leisure Suit Larry into thinking we were over 18. I'm not expecting nearly as much fun from this remake... I put it on my GameFly queue pretty much just to see how painful it can be.

0:01 A rigger, or a gaffer or whatever, cranks up a title sign from the overhead walkway. Cut to a movie theater where some cheesy sci-fi is playing on a black-and-white screen. Timpani and horns soar like it's the Oscars or something.

0:03 "That posture can't be good for your back," says the loading screen. Whoa! Fourth wall = BROKEN! Pan back from a pair of breasts covered by the poster model's hands. A bikini magazine is open on the bed. "Honk my Ass" is open on the computer. "Who you callin' afraid to f*** himself ... I mean, uh, Lovage residence," says our hero, confusingly, as he groggily answers the phone. It's a call from his Uncle, who is not buying his script for a celebrity sex tape (they "just happen.") "Larry, I need your help ... someone I can trust, someone inexpensive ... one out of two ain't bad." "Heh. Heads up, stinky, we're going to Tinselwood." Hey, who you calling stinky?

0:06 Uncle comes along to stop the security guard from slapping me around at the gate. "Be glad they didn't get to the cavity search," he says. HA! Because cavity searches are FUNNY! He takes me on a tiny golf cart around the studio lot. We pass Denise, his "right-hand man," and Merv at the mailroom. A bunch of people are acting out movie scenes: a "Thriller"-style music-video dance, cowboys being run down by a boudler, a stuntman jumping from a roof, etc. Anyway, my uncle tells me that his rival, Big Anus, has a mole in the studio. He wants me to act as a spy to figure out who the mole is. Gripping...

0:10 "Call Me Al" is the first level, apparently. "Who's the newbie, he doesn't look union," says Al, who's now my boss. "Show him the apron strings, the whole nine inches." HA! That could be interpreted in MORE THAN ONE WAY!

0:12 My first mission is to scrape graffiti off a soundstage wall. Really. I walk up the wall and hit the B button to spray it away. Even for a first mission, that's depressingly easy. "Not too shabby, Lovage. Shabby, but not too." Heh.

0:14 Quote of the moment: "You call this graffiti? I've seen bigger dicks in the mirror."

0:15 Usually I'm not one to downgrade a game for having a double jump, but ... come on ... a double jump? In a Leisure Suit Larry game? What is the world coming to?

0:16 Thanks to some shoddy hit-detection, I fall from a roof and lose a quarter of my health. Not to worry ... I gain it back almost immediately. As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate this game alreayd, they had to add automatic health recovery...

0:19 With all the graffiti cleaned, the camera pans to a ringing cell phone that's inexplicably sitting on the roof above me. I have to wall jump to get it, because all the kiddies love them some wall jumping. On the phone is the sound of heavy breathing. "Dad...?" HA! Because his dad is ALSO A PERVERT!

0:20 My next glamorous Hollywood mission ... returning a cell phone to a "total asshole agent" named Kip. Kill me now.

0:23 After walking across miles of mostly empty studio lot, I make it to a glowing green circle and activate a cut-scene conversation with Kip. Quote of the moment: "My cock ring costs more than your car." HA! Because COCK RINGS are FUNNY!

0:24 As soon as I leave Kip's office, he unmutes the other end of the phone call. The mystery caller says my "bone structure" looks familiar. I have no idea how he could see me. Anyway, they're planning a hostile takeover and blah blah blah. "You succeeded," says the game. I did? Really? That was easy! I get 10 Gamerscore points as a "Rookie Award." Man, that's gonna be a blemish on my profile...

0:26 Now I'm running toward a YELLOW dot on the mini-map. The scenery is kind of nice, but pretty empty. When I do run into an ugly character model, all I can do is kind of bump into them or just walk by. Where's my "beat with a baseball bat" button. Have they learned nothing from Grand Theft Auto?

0:30 After walking seemingly FOREVER I make it to the vehicle warehouse, where Al is standing in his office looking at a porno site. "Gone on the Wind" is the next "episode" I guess.

0:31 Quote of the moment: "Were you playing the skin flute?" HA! Because that's a FUNNY way to describe MASTURBATION!

0:33 Literally two minutes of pointless walking later, I'm at the street set for my next objective. "I'm Damone LeCoque. THE Demone Lecoque." "The guy with a giant foot for a dick?" "No, the other one, the director." The "emergency" that called me here? It's stuffy. So I turn on the fan, but it blows the pages of the script all over the place. Oh goodie, a fetch quest. Snore.

0:36 Quote of the moment: "Mission, bend over, spread 'em, and get ready to be accomplished long and hard." HA! Because ... the mission is ... like a woman... OK, I have no idea.

0:40 As if this game weren't clich?d enough, I just had to push a crate to reach a page of the script. That's right... Crate-pushing! Be still my beating heart...

0:42 Most of the pages seem up on the roof, which I have no idea how to get on top of. I find a "Larry statute" while I'm looking for a way up, though. The game says I'm not a real man unless I get all of them. Subtle insults will get you EVERYWHERE, game.

0:43 Hmmm ... the map has a mustachioed man with Groucho glasses a few clicks to the west. Whatever it is, it seems much more interesting than what I'm currently doing. Really.

0:45 On the way to the Groucho glasses, I climb a water tower. Why? Because it's there! There's nothing at the top except a door I can't open. On the plus side, falling from the top of the water tower does manage to kill me.

0:48 After getting a bit lost (stupid pause menu map doesn't even tell me which way I'm facing!) I bump into the world's slowest-moving golf cart. This causes me to go completely limp and collapse in a ragdoll heap on the ground. It's so ridiculous-looking it's actually kind of funny.

0:51 So it seems like the Groucho glasses were just marking the costume warehouse. All I have is my current mailman costume and "Casual Larry." Swarthy!

0:52 Quote of the moment, from a sign on a wall: "Absolutely do not use this large, bare-brick wall for dodgeball or any other ball game, no matter how ideally suited it might seem." Heh.

0:53 I haven't mentioned it yet, but the super-annoying music repeats roughly every 15 seconds. What is this, an NES game?

0:54 When I hit the B button next to his golf cart, the security guard just shimmies over and lets me drive. What the hell kind of an excuse for secuirty is THAT?

0:58 OK, I'm getting bored exploring; it's back to the script-collecting to finish things out. I realize now that there are some conveniently placed platforms right above where I caught the first page of the script. Of course, I fall trying to jump to another section of the roof and die. Man. Screw. This. Game.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? My one hour of play felt more like 12. Maybe if I were 10 years old the juvenile humor would be more interesting. But, then, why would I be playing an M-rated game?

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.



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