Crispy Gamer

The Fryer, Vol. 13

Submitted by Kyle Orland on Thu, 05/28/2009 - 14:10
in

Exclusive: Kojima working on countdown clock-based game

The Fryer, Vol. 13
Kojima shows off a countdown timer in his office during a visit from the Fryer.

The Fryer has learned that Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima's next game will be based on watching and deciphering hidden messages in a series of slowly revealed countdown clocks.

In a speech to be delivered at Konami's E3 press conference next week -- an advance copy of which was obtained by the Fryer -- Kojima will announce that Konami's string of mysterious countdowns have not been promoting a new Metal Gear Solid game, as many expected, but a new piece of IP titled Countdown.

"For weeks the world has looked for hidden clues and meanings in these clocks," Kojima's remarks read, in part, "but the truth was staring them right in the face the whole time. Similarly, Countdown will change the way players view the world, using the power of the countdown clock to reveal what was hidden in plain sight all along."

Kojima's speech goes on to discuss the game's unique clock-based gameplay. Players around the world will download synchronized clock programs -- high-definition, full-screen displays that occasionally show seemingly unconnected videos, images, letters and numbers alongside a ticking timer. Those who purchase the game will gain access to a special Konami-run message board, where they can try to decipher the meaning of the clock before the time runs out and a new clock appears.

Boldly, Countdown will not keep track of the community's message-deciphering success in any way, or note player progress with any sort of score-keeping mechanism. "The search for the secret to the clocks is its own reward," Kojima plans to tell the E3 audience. "Like life itself, the clock marches ceaselessly on to a conclusion that is random, beautiful and, ultimately, meaningless."

A Konami spokesperson refused to comment on what he termed "speculation," but urged the Fryer to watch the current countdown site for "an exciting, revolutionary game announcement, coming soon!"


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The Rumor Monger presents: E3 predictions

Buenos dias, bro-meisters and chickitas. It is I, the lovable, furry old Rumor Monger, here with all the hottest rumblings and grumblings from the industry's soft, seamy underbelly. With gaming's huge exposition of electronic entertainments just days away, I'm hooking you up with all the freshest, juiciest, still-dripping-with-blood predictions about what's gonna happen at the show, straight from our secret, secret cadre of monger-moles. Remember, if anyone tells you that these rumors aren't true, they're dirty liars and you should spit in their faces.


  • In an effort to subvert Microsoft's expected 3-D-camera-based Xbox 360 controller, Sony will reveal a new system that uses a network of closed-circuit surveillance cameras to track your movements in the real world, letting you play games as you do your daily errands.


  • Nintendo jumps on the thought-control bandwagon with the Wii Cranium, a headband device that detects your innermost desires and projects them onto the screen. Your Rumor Monger has tried it out and can squelch any rumors that Nintendo is using the device for mind-control, because Nintendo is a good company and would never do anything so bad.


    • The Fryer, Vol. 13
    Is Sega working on a holographic cousin of the Dreamcast? The Rumor Monger thinks so.
  • Sega will reveal that it has been secretly working on a follow-up to the Dreamcast for the past eight years. The new system will have photorealistic 3-D graphics projected into your room via holography, a unique tactile interface allowing you to interact directly with in-game objects, and will launch at $99 with a lineup of 50 AAA games and finally prove to everyone that Sega is the best console maker in history, dammit!


  • Spooked by the specter of Brütal Legend, MTV Games will announce a new Rock Band adventure game, where players use their guitar and drum controllers to beat back fantastical monsters. Plans for a massively-multiplayer online version are also in the works.


  • Sources suggest that Ubisoft will use E3 to announce that it's leaving videogame development to focus on solving our energy crisis through green technology research and development.


  • Electronic Arts and Take-Two finally announce their merger negotiations are done. The major sticking point over the last six months, according to sources, was whether the new company would be called "Electronic Two" or "Take Arts."


  • "The brave eldest son of a king's daughter will drive the Celts back very far. He will use thunderbolts, so many in such an array, few and distant, then deep into the West." [Note -- this prediction comes from Rumor Monger commenter Nostradamus.]



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    Win a trip to E3 from the Fryer!

    Yes, that's right, the Fryer is sending a group of lucky readers to E3!

    There are five ways to enter, and everyone who enters is guaranteed to win a trip to E3! Here's how to do it:

    1. Study hard; get into a good college; major in computer science or art history or business management or PR; become a programmer or artist or executive or PR rep for a major gaming company; have your company approve the expense to send you to the show.

    The Fryer, Vol. 13
    This GameStop manager has qualified to enter the Fryer contest.

    2. Fail out of high school; get a job at GameStop; advance to the level of manager by suffering through year after year of boring retail drudgery, outlasting everyone else who moves on to get better jobs in the real world; convince your regional manager to send you to the show for "research purposes."


    3. Become some big movie star or flavor-of-the-month singer that no one in Los Angeles can seem to say no to, and charm your way into the show (also acceptable: Be related to someone who fits this category).


    4. Start your own company manufacturing crappy USB peripherals; purchase a booth license for E3's Kentia Hall; abandon your booth immediately and check out all the actual cool products at the show.


    5. Start up a gaming Web site a month before the show starts; print up some fake business cards; enjoy the show.

    Legal disclaimer: Readers are responsible for obtaining their own show badges, travel accomodations and food during the trip. The Fryer will provide free T-shirts to all winners who send a self-addressed, stamped envelope labeled "E3 Contest" to our offices.

    Editor's note: These stories are 100-percent satire. Yes, Kyle Orland made it all up.