Developer: Bongfish

Publisher: Destineer

Release Date: Feb. 24, 2009

System: Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 My long search for an SSX replacement continues.

0:01 Lots of company logos, including one for a company called "Bongfish." Anyway, the title screen features a snowboarder flying waaaay over a hazy mountain ridge. Like, miles up. He's gonna be SORE when he lands! Some funky hip-hop plays in the background.

0:02 I hit start and jump directly to a generic rider in a red jacket with a white stripe. I can customize everything, from his height to his gloves to his "tan," (not skin color ... "tan"). The customizer loses points for a distinct lack of wacky hairstyles, but gains them back with an awesome skull-shaped facemask.

0:04 The options menu has a "forecast" option, which brings up sunny or partly cloudy predictions on a small iPhone-like PDA. Well, that's nice.

0:05 I jump into "Ride Mountain" and get a shot of a helicopter flying noisily over a mountain range. "Hello and welcome to Chile! My name is Marcelo and I'll be your pilot for the ride in!" He sounds super-excited ... at least, in the parts I can hear through the ridiculously loud chopper noise. He says something about two summits, a high one to the west and a lower one east. Lots of snowboard brands pop up in the corner for no reason...

0:06 Marcelo has moved on to talking about rumors about the mountain's backstory. Someone baptized a pig at the summit? Did I hear that right? The chopper noise is ridiculous!

0:07 Might as well start with the Ollie tutorial. "Wolle Nyvelt, 2008 Rider of the Year," is going to show me how to Ollie. Wow, I must be incredibly rich to score a private lesson from such an accomplished boarder. Or he must be incredibly CHEAP!

0:08 Flick the right stick up for a quick ollie. Flick it down, then up, to go higher. Responsive controls, but very stiff animation, like it's a robot snowboarding.

0:10 Spins and flips now ... just tilt the left stick when you're in the air. You get more points for landing straight. Hold down the triggers and move the right stick to do grabs. L and R triggers plus the right stick for grabs. I end up doing a "Crail." Is that a real word? More grabs will be added to the "Grab Bible" as I go. Whoo.

0:11 "Hey, it's Wolle. Let's learn how to do rail tricks." He sounds really bored as he says this. Or maybe just really Austrian. It's hard to tell.

0:12 The grinding detection is kind of unforgiving -- if I miss the rail by a few millimeters I glance off harmlessly. Annoying...

0:15 I can "pre-wind" my spins before I jump using the shoulder triggers. Reminds me of ... SSX! Promising!



0:17 Mixing things together now ... the tutorial asks me to do a spin plus two grabs in the air. This involves, in order: holding down on right stick, holding down RT to pre-wind, slamming up on the right stick to jump while simultaneously slamming left on the left stick and releasing RT, then holding RT and moving the right stick to do the grab, moving the right stick again for the second grab, then letting go of everything with perfect timing for a perfect landing. It's only SLIGHTLY easier to do than to type.

0:19 Every time I mess up, Wolle jumps in: "Awesome job, you're better than me. NOOOOOT!" That last word is possibly the most annoying song on Earth.

0:21 Apparently, only "Huckers" do pre-winding. "Stylish" boarders do slooooow spins by holding the analog stick halfway in either direction, instead. I have to pick one style and stick with it, for bonus purposes. As Colbert might say: PICK A SIDE, WE'RE AT WAR!

0:23 "Butter" tricks are like manuals on the snow ... just lean back the right stick halfway and ride the rear of the board. I didn't even know boarders could do that! Seems great for slowing down AND getting easy points.

0:24 Tutorials are done. I get 10 Gamerscore points and some video of Wolle doing some awesome tricks that I'd never be able to come close to doing in real life. Also, now there are three mountains to explore!

0:25 "Hey, Marcelo here. It's wonderful to see you again. Welcome back to CHILE!" Is Marcelo on meth? No one is this excited about Chile in real life.

0:26 I can choose from eight different drop points at various points on the mountain, each with 10 challenges to complete. I go for the "Bigjump" drop point because I, uh, like big jumps.

0:27 A bit of light boarding, then I almost run into the guy running the "Stick a Trick" challenge. I have to match the other guy's moves.

0:28 OK, so the game's asking me to do a "Stalefish Tuckknee" and a "Switch Frontside 180" in the span of 10 seconds or so. Only one problem ... I don't know how to do those specific moves! I actually have to go into the pause menu's "Grab Bible" and scroll through the multiple menus of tricks to find out the button combination. You have GOT to be kidding.

0:29 OK, so I can do a Stalefish, but I have no idea how to add the "Tuckknee." Also, whenever I spin it's either Backside or Switch Backside or Frontside, but NEVER Switch Frontside. Sigh. Moving on, I guess.

0:35 Huh ... so I just retried the same challenge by accident. This time it's two tricks I know ... a Frontside 540 and a Backside Air. Every time I try the grab, though, it ends up as a simple Melon. Every time I try the flip, I land in the weeds. God forbid I try both at once ... the mix of sticks and buttons is way too much for me.

0:36 Unbelievable ... I actually did a Backside Air and a Frontside 720. That's 180 more degrees than they asked for. And IT STILL DIDN'T COUNT! ARGH!

0:38 OK, I finally pulled the tricks off, along with one extra trick of my choosing. I get one "Fame Point" for my trouble. The game doesn't stop at all afterwards; I just keep sliding down the mountain. Nice touch.

0:40 I get a small trick combo going as I go down the mountain. The spin controls keep tripping me up ... I can't seem to get the speed I'm looking for. The mountain is beautiful. The boarder really is not.

0:41 Another challenge ... this one involves grinding up a tree-branch ramp and scoring points with spins and grabs. I do a simple 540 Spin and Indy Grab and "Own" the spot on the first try. Quite a bit easier...

0:42 At the bottom of the mountain, I suddenly run out of forward momentum. I end the session and the game sends my score data into Xbox Live. My performance was 19th best in the world this week! Out of 23 total! Doesn't say much about this game's popularity, does it...

0:44 I go to the "Black and White" drop point this time, because I'm a closet Michael Jackson fan.

0:47 Another "stick the trick." Another 540 and a simple "Method Air" this time. I'm starting to get the timing for the spins, but getting the right stick direction for the grab tricks is tricky.

0:50 I'm building up a decent score by doing lame-o standing tricks and then a big spin and grab off a high ledge. Doesn't have the same high-octane feel of SSX ... a little too sterile.

0:51 Odd ... I just crashed headlong into a tree trunk and got shot about 30 feet into the air. As glitches go, it was pretty cool.

0:52 At the bottom of the hill, I still have no momentum, but I just continually do small jump and spin tricks to build up my session score. I get some decent scores as the multiplier ticks up. I break the 50,000 "high score," then hop in the chopper. I got 12th for the week, but I feel skeezy about it.

0:54 "Swingslide" sounds like fun. I like swings and I like slides. There's a blinding snowstorm. So much for that weather forecast from before...

0:55 I own another trick point by simply sliding on a log and doing a basic grab. Sigh.

0:57 Nothing is more frustrating than catching massive air, doing some great tricks, then messing the landing. Nothing.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? Control and animation problems get in the way, and everything feels a little too sterile, lonely and scripted. SSX is still the champ.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.



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