Developer: GAMEINVEST

Publisher: O Games

Release Date: June 16, 2009

System: PC (reviewed), Wii

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

0:00 Usually I'd stay far, far away from what looks like a simple Diner Dash clone, but I got a preview copy in my e-mail box and I'm in the mood for something mindless this morning.

0:01 Funky muzak-style '70s synth plays on the menu screen, with a male and female nurse standing at the ready and staring at me with creepy eyes.

0:02 I enter my name and choose the male nurse character. The female looks so dejected that I didn't choose her. We're talking "slit your wrists" levels of dejected here.

0:03 "Congratulations to all the graduate nurses from the University of California," says a bullhorn addressing a bunch of robed graduates. They throw their hats in the air. Dissolve to a montage of want ads and response letters: "Need experience," "No vacancies," "We apologize." But wait! Maryville Hospital needs nurses urgently! He calls them up. "We've been looking for someone to take my place for ages," says the fat nurse at the counter. I'm hired sight unseen! I fly off to North Carolina and before I know it it's "Day 1, Level 1."

0:04 "First days on the job are always nerve racking [sic]. But if you pay attention to your patients' needs, then you'll do great!" I need to treat five patients and get 600 "Funds." "We're happy to have you on board, let's get started," says the nurse.

0:06 Patients come in and sit and wait on some plastic chairs. I drag them to the diagnostic counter first, then over to the single, "quick treatment" bed. Once I make the nurse get the chart and bring it over, the bandaging up can start. Once it's done, I clean up and take the sheets to the laundry bin. Repeat as necessary. Seems a lot like Diner Dash to me!

0:08 "To the owner of two glass eyes ... please see Janice in reception. Or get someone to point you in the right direction." HA! It's funny because it's a blind person with no eyes.

0:10 I love the stereotypical, offended reactions the patients make when my disembodied hand picks them up and drags them to the diagnostic desk/bed. "What are you doing?!" "Careful!" "Whatchoo doin', fool."

0:12 Done with Day 1. I treated seven people, not including the seven I sent off to another hospital in an ambulance because our hospital doesn't even have a proper bed! Got 900 in "Funds" and earned an extra star ranking for the hospital. Overall, it's way too simple and easy to be interesting so far, but I'm sure it'll get harder. I do like the late-'90s-style pre-rendered 3-D characters and the nutty, Tazmanian Devil-style animation when people get bandaged up.

0:15 I like the way the game lets you queue up actions to be automatically performed later. So while the nurse is cleaning up the bed and dropping off the laundry, I can worry about using my godlike disembodied hand to drag a patient to the diagnostic desk. Multitasking FTW!

0:17 I used my funds from Day 1 to buy a proper bed for Day 2. Now I don't have to ship my patients off by ambulance. Of course, a line for the bed develops quickly because no one needs the Quick Care station, for some reason. I have two people waiting by the end of the day, but none of them bleed out or anything. A second bed would be nice, though.

0:21 Quote of the moment: "See you again soon: NOT!" Boy, just because the graphics remind me of the '90s doesn't mean the voice acting should, too.

0:22 I purchase two more beds to help avoid the bottlenecks. I never really need all three of them, though. I'm beginning to prioritize my actions a bit ... focusing on transporting charts before cleaning up beds, for instance, in order to get people out of there faster. It's still just mindless clicking, but at least there's a lot of it!

0:24 Before Day 4 starts, I buy some food, water and plants to help those in the waiting room stay healthy longer. Wow, these are some miraculous inanimate objects! I like the description of the food machine: "These pre-packaged meals almost taste like real food."

0:27 So the rollaway beds "cure" people primarily by folding in half, crushing them. The announcer responds to this hilarious frequent occurrence with quips like "That'll cure your back ... or break it." He's said that line FOUR TIMES so far. Yes, I am counting.

0:28 I treated 10 patients this time, one more than the nine I needed to achieve "expert" status. I wish there were more patients coming in ... I feel like I'm spending a lot of time looking at empty beds and waiting for things to do.

0:30 For some reason, I'm sent back to the title screen after Day 4. When I try to load up the game again, it freezes on the loading screen. Ah, the joys of preview builds.

0:31 A quick restart and we're back for Day 5.

0:33 Quote of the moment: "Hey, at this rate there won't be any sick people left ... but I'll be sick because we'll be out of business!" Is this a cutting commentary on the medical-industrial complex that keeps our current, costly crisis care system in place over more effective and cheaper preventative care alternatives, or just a lame joke? I report, you decide! No wait, I decide. It's a lame joke.

0:35 I treated a record 11 sick people today! The addition of the second Quick Care station really helped fix some bottlenecks. I like the way doing well in early days earns more funds, which gets more stuff, which helps you do better later and builds its own self-sustaining momentum.

0:37 Another freeze and bump back to the menu screen. What's going on here? At least it seems to save my progress. I'm at "Day 6, Level 4" now.

0:40 Quote of the moment: "No wonder the patients have bed sores!" Maybe you should spend less time wisecracking and more time FIXING THE BEDS THAT ARE CRUSHING OUR PATIENTS, hmm?

0:41 Another 11-patient day, much like the last one. I've bought everything I can buy, not that I seem to need it. My simple strategy of prioritizing charts and maximizing the multitasking potential of my disembodied hand seems all I need. I wish I could just jump to one of the higher levels, but I can't seem to find an option to do so, and the main game is perpetually stuck at Level 4.

0:43 There's an "expense" tab where I can spend up to 100 "Funds" on Pharmacy and 200 on Salaries. I have no idea what these do, but I'm swimming in cash, so why not?

0:46 It seems the salaries and pharmacy money speed up the procurement of charts and the healing of the sick patients. Amazing how money is a motivator for these people. I still only heal 11 patients in the day, but things are moving so fast now that I never have more than one patient on a bed at a time. Why didn't they tell me about this awesome feature earlier?

0:48 I feel kind of bad for the patients that are checked in but not quite cured at end of day. Do the doctors just leave them and go home?

0:51 Day 8 goes a lot like Day 7. And by "a lot like," I mean "exactly identically to." I feel like I've refined my clicking patterns to the point where I can't do any better unless more patients start coming in, but the game seems stuck at the current difficulty level. And yes, I know it's a bit morbid to wish for more sick people, but hey, I needs me my entertainment!

0:54 Quote of the moment: "Wow, you must have healing hands. As well as healing shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!" This last part is said in a sing-songy voice. Shoot me now.

0:57 I come oh so close to curing a 12th person on Day 9, but it ends up being another repetitive 11-person day in the end.

0:59 I just noticed that I start every new day back at a three-star ranking, even though I earned a fourth star the previous day. The game is definitely saving my progress in every other way, though, because the days keep advancing and there's more money in my account. I'll chalk this glitch up to the preview build, I suppose.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Doubtful.


Why? The current difficulty was interesting, if mindless, for roughly a half-hour before it plateaued. If the hard/endless modes turn up the difficulty, I may be snared for a bit longer, but not indefinitely.

This column is based on a preview build of the game provided by the publisher.

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