Developer: Phantom EFX

Publisher: Phantom EFX

Release Date: April 5, 2009

System: PC

ESRB Rating: T

0:00 I generally hate slot machines and all they represent as far as "gaming," but when I got a PR e-mail about an "Adventure" game based on the one-armed bandits, morbid curiosity forced me to find out what the hell was going on.

0:01 My pre-game research has revealed that this is currently the No. 1-selling PC casino game on Amazon. So it must be good, right?

0:07 The past seven minutes were spent installing copious amounts of data from this DVD onto my hard drive. I can't imagine the slot machine logic requires a lot of coding, so there must be a lot of flashy animations and sounds coming, huh?

0:08 "Welcome to Reel Deal Slot Adventure!" says an incredibly cheery voice. "Please fill out your VIP card to continue." In the background, sounds of chattering gamblers and ... birds? "Now that your VIP Card is ready, click on the PLAY button to start your adventure." This guy is so friendly and bubbly. I just want to stay with him forever!

0:09 A text note explains that I'm about to embark on "an exciting journey to discover the mystery of the Sister Queens." It also explains the difference between the Real World slots, with "realistic casino odds," and the Dream World slots, which give "much better odds and payouts." I was wondering how they were going to get around the debilitating house edge in an adventure-game setting...

0:13 "March 15, Egypt! I never thought this day would come," says a diary entry. The author is in Siva, searching for the "Sister Queens of Nubial" mentioned in a dusty library text he found. These queens declared themselves rulers of a small town, which then prospered for a while before disappearing overnight amidst "strange reports of magic, ice and death." Um ... ice? Anyway, our diary author evades pickpockets in the streets of Siva before retiring in an inn for the night. And now my "Challenge Goal" is to play the Oil Tycoon slot for 10 minutes. Boy, they're not even attempting to work the slots into the story, are they?

0:14 Twangy country music plays behind a video slot with five reels and three lines, filled with barrels of oil, diesel fuel pumps, Texas oilmen with pink Cadillacs, oil cans and more similarly themed images. I click "Bet Max" as my dear slot-loving grandmother always taught me to, and spin my way to 1,520 credits on my very first try! Whoo! I can't really understand WHY I won so much money, even though a bunch of random-looking lines appear showing which patterns are winners. Oh, well. I'm not arguing.

0:16 My next nine spins win me 80, 0, 45, 10, 20, 95, 20, 0 and 0 credits, respectively. This is after spending 45 credits per spin, of course. I guess that first spin wasn't exactly representative. I like the little stat box in the corner, which shows I'm up $67 so far and averaging nearly 400-percent payout! Vegas would be out of business with a few of these machines!

0:20 A few more big spins -- 300-plus credit wins -- are mixed in with a whole lot of zeroes. I'm trusting the game to tell me when I win or lose, of course, because I can't suss the patterns out of the cacophonous grid of images. I am digging the music and sound effects, at least.

0:24 My first 10 minutes of mindlessly clicking a single button is up. I'm kind of surprised there's no "auto-play" option to prevent me from even having to tap the button. I mean, the whole point is to just watch the pretty lights go by, right? Why make me move a finger? Anyway, my reward for beating this challenge is $100 in Dream World money. Do I get to keep my other winnings, though?

0:25 A new diary entry talks of meeting a guide and having trouble haggling for supplies like food and water with the local merchants. Then, a new Challenge Goal: "Win 27,000 credits on Bowl-A-Rama." So I guess the merchants are more troublesome than the local bowling alley owner? This makes NO sense...

0:26 Cheesy, '80s-era sax-heavy music plays amidst the sound of bowling pins being hit. Another 5 x 3 video slot, but this time I can play 25 lines instead of just 15. Of course, the oil derricks are replaced with bowling balls, cherries in the shapes of bowling balls, 7s in the shape of bowling pins, fries, beers and other alley-appropriate imagery.

0:28 Apparently my losses don't count here ... everything I win goes towards the 27,000 credit goal, while and everything I bet doesn't count against me. That's good, because so far I've been betting 125 to get wins of 50, 90, 80, 115, etc.

0:30 I'm fascinated by the "average winnings per hour" stat, which is updated in real time as I watch. It's at $250 right now ... now $249 ... now $248 ... oh god, I'd better spin again!

0:31 Pro-tip: You don't have to wait for your winnings to rack up before hitting the "spin" button." Don't wait for maximum efficiency!

0:32 My winnings have actually dropped into the negative now, to -$180/hour. Interestingly, this amount gets closer to zero if I stop spinning for a second. Seems like my best long-term move would be to stop spinning, wouldn't it?

0:33 The real insidious thing about these slot machines is how they make you think you're winning when you aren't. 93 percent of my spins are "winning spins," according to the stats, meaning at least one line has paid off and the machine has made "winning" sounds and lights. Despite this, though, I've lost 24 fake dollars in seven minutes because I'm not winning back as much as I bet. Diabolical!

0:36 Ten minutes into this slot and I'm only 6,500 credits towards my 27,000 goal. Plus I'm losing $357/hour. At this rate I'm going to spend the rest of my hour in '80s-saxophone hell, all while losing virtual money. I need a big jackpot soon.

0:38 I just activated my first bonus game. Finally, something besides just clicking the spin button! It's a bowling mini-game, of course. The ball goes back and forth at the bottom of the lane and I click a big "roll" button to throw it down the alley. The ball curves after I click roll, seemingly dependant on where in its back-and-forth motion it is. There are special doubling pins, too, that can increase my per-frame score, and a final "multiplier" frame. All told, I get 2,205 credits for my game. This seems like it might be fun for five minutes or so, which is about four minutes longer than the slot part has been fun.

0:42 Another bonus game! I score 2,560 credits this time. I can't seem to get any consistency to the ball's curve, making me think it's totally random. It wouldn't be shocking ... it is a slot machine, after all.

0:45 Fifteen minutes left and I've hit the halfway point on the bowling challenge -- 13,500 credits. Come on big money big money big money STOP!

0:55 I have to admit, I've mainly been chatting on IM and reading blogs for the last 10 minutes. Except for a brief moment when I played another bowling mini-game, I'm just casually clicking the Spin button and then ignoring the results. This doesn't seem to have affected my play, as I'm up to 24,000 credits. Part of me likes the idea of a game you can play while doing something else, but this is a bit ridiculous.

0:59 I find it hard to imagine the kind of person who would finds this game compelling. At least with real slots, there's the psychological effect of money on the line. This is just sound and fury, literally signifying nothing. Plus, this sax-heavy bowling slot song is going to be in my head ALL DAY.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? I barely "played" it for the first hour!

This column is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.



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